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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is her problem?!

152 replies

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:15

I (F) have a male colleague who I’ve worked with for over 10 years, we’re close friends at this point. His wife HATES me, she’s so insecure she feels the need to talk about me to other colleagues about me being nosey and in everyone’s business. I’ve actually only met her a handful of times in person and she’s always so fake to my face. It’s at the point where we no longer work together and she still brings me up in conversations with others. I find it so strange that someone can be that insecure about their marriage that any woman close to him becomes a threat. Just leave him if it’s that bad?! Interestingly she’s looking at the wrong woman, he’s been having an affair with another colleague for quite a while now. She even stopped me getting a promotion at one point by slating me to our employer and tarnishing my reputation. I feel no empathy for her when it comes to her being cheated on, women need to stop blaming other women for their husbands behaviours.

AIBU to be encouraging his affairs at this point? I almost feel like it’s revenge for how she’s behaved towards me, as childish as that is.

I’ll add I’ve only ever been nice to her like I am with all my colleagues partners. I ask questions about their lives and their kids etc because I’m interested in getting to know people at a deeper level. Sue me if I hate small talk about the bloody weather!!

OP posts:
Somethinggg · 20/09/2026 07:33

AllOldPeopleAreWizards · 19/09/2026 21:24

You might be good mates, but seems like he’s probably slagging you off to his wife so she’s Judging you off what he says. How else would she know or care what you’re like. He’ll be doing this to misdirect his affair, moan about the women he’s worked with so his wife doesn’t get suspicious. Just leave them both to it rather than playing silly games.

Reads like that to me as well.

I wouldn't continue in this friendship either. Far, far too toxic. Some people are much more trouble than their company is worth.

HiEarthlings · 20/09/2026 07:26

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:37

@IronEverythingAnd how have you come to that conclusion?

Have you forgotten what you've written here???

MrsS424 · 19/09/2026 23:56

Yuck, what a toxic environment. Stay out of other peoples business and "affairs" and get yourself a life 🙄🤦🏽‍♀️

Sassylovesbooks · 19/09/2026 22:03

The wife of your friend either thinks her husband is having an affair with you or she thinks that you're interested in him. Both options are plausible. You've known this man for 10 years, and I'm presuming that your friendship pre-dates his marriage to his wife? Yes, your friend's wife, is way off the mark, but clearly her senses aren't completely 'off', because he is indeed having an affair... it's just not you!!

You only know what your friend has told you regarding the promotion. You have no proof that his wife has been bad mouthing you to your boss at all. You've moved roles, but apparently this woman is still talking about you - again this is hearsay, you haven't personally heard anything yourself. You don't know if any of it is true.

I do agree that you aren't responsible for the wife's feelings or emotions. If she's insecure in her relationship, then that isn't your problem to manage, it's hers. Your friend's marriage is between him and his wife, and has nothing to do with you.

Personally, I'd be stepping back from the friendship with this man. Do you really want to embroil yourself with such drama? I know I wouldn't.

BettyBoh · 19/09/2026 21:56

I’m calling BS on this post. You say hes a colleague but also that you’ve left the company.
it cant be both.

AllOldPeopleAreWizards · 19/09/2026 21:24

You might be good mates, but seems like he’s probably slagging you off to his wife so she’s Judging you off what he says. How else would she know or care what you’re like. He’ll be doing this to misdirect his affair, moan about the women he’s worked with so his wife doesn’t get suspicious. Just leave them both to it rather than playing silly games.

Stelladid · 19/09/2026 20:13

Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2026 18:28

I am not shocked that the wife of the close friend you're covering up an affair for doesn't like you.

I think this is an issue with your integrity. You choose to continue to be close friends with a man who treats his wife terribly. She's allowed to judge you negatively for that choice.

This 👆 and you want to know if YABU to encourage him to have affairs. What a horror you are 😮

ForCalmScroller · 19/09/2026 19:16

Sounds fake to me

KilkennyCats · 19/09/2026 19:08

ExtraOnions · 18/09/2026 18:39

Why does someone’s spouse have such an influence at your workplace? Does she work there?

I wondered that too. There’s no way some random woman stopped you being promoted, op. Look for the reason a little closer to home.

Buffs · 19/09/2026 19:02

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:41

Why is it always a topic on Mumsnet that women apparently can’t be friends with married men? You can isolate yourselves as much as you want, but if a man is married and his wife can’t trust him, that’s an issue within their relationship. I’m not going to stop being friends with someone because of their marital status.

We worked closely together and built up a friendship over many years. Why would I suddenly change how I behave or stop being myself because someone else might feel insecure about that friendship? The idea that a man getting married should automatically mean his female friendships have to change or disappear is absolutely bonkers to me.

Well you’ve made your choice and now you take the consequences.

Bunny65 · 19/09/2026 18:57

Regardless of the situation, you shouldn't be getting involved in any way with his affair, either encouraging or discouraging. In fact I would ask him not to talk to you about it. His wife obviously has good reason to mistrust him even if she is wrong about you. He has probably had other affairs over the years that you don't know about. You might not think so but really you have no idea.

BassBug · 19/09/2026 18:31

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:23

Potentially over the years I probably have been more standoffish but nonetheless I’ve still always enquired about her and her life, work etc. She’s also one of these people that doesn’t ask questions in conversations so unless I’m asking something the conversation dies very quickly. I’m just fed up of being spoken about negatively when I barely know the woman!

Just do everyone a favor and tell her who the other woman is ffs. She has brought it on herself for being a dick

MsPrufrockk · 19/09/2026 12:23

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:50

At this point I’ve been so thoroughly rage baited by these comments that I’m about three more away from messaging her directly and detonating the entire situation myself.

I'm confused - YOU'RE the one trying to rage bait with your obviously goady comments 😂

user86757488388 · 19/09/2026 10:35

Goodness, OP, if all (or any) of this is true, it seems you have grounds for an employment tribunal. Even in a 'creative' industry, being denied opportunity due to gossip from a colleague's wife becoming pals with a supervisor at networking events is really quite something.

LeonardoDiCaprisun · 19/09/2026 10:04

I don’t think your work friend is as friendly as you think. All the suspicion from his wife directed towards you may be a perfect cover for his actual AP and he’s happy for you to take the heat while you are biting back at his wife at his misdirection.

Girlwithavibe · 19/09/2026 09:04

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:38

You all seem far more concerned about defending a woman who is deliberately tearing down another innocent woman because she thinks it might save her failing marriage. Yet somehow I’m the one who lacks empathy? Being cheated on doesn’t give her a free pass to be cruel. Why do you automatically assume she’s the innocent victim who can do no wrong? None of you know what their marriage is actually like or why he’s looking elsewhere. Maybe her behaviour is part of why he wants to escape it. That doesn’t make cheating right, but neither does being cheated on make everything she does acceptable.

But why are u airing this on a public forum your not really asking for help on what to do ?
We don't know who u are or who this woman or man is your just stating your opinion and from the tone of your posts I don't think you are innocent 😇
If it was that serious take it up with your HR department

SevenYellowHammers · 19/09/2026 08:53

He’s probably using you as some kind of decoy OP. Distance yourself from him. Find something better to do. I don’t need to tell you what, I’ve never met a woman who couldn’t fill her time.

Original poster
Bupsy17 · 19/09/2026 08:40

blythet · 19/09/2026 08:38

How exactly do you ‘encourage an affair’?

id presume she’s like that with you as a she has a gut feel he’s cheating and is wrongly suspecting you. If that’s the case I’d have sympathy for her for the way he’s treating her

Not so much encourage it but to not openly show my disdain towards him doing it.

OP posts:
blythet · 19/09/2026 08:38

How exactly do you ‘encourage an affair’?

id presume she’s like that with you as a she has a gut feel he’s cheating and is wrongly suspecting you. If that’s the case I’d have sympathy for her for the way he’s treating her

SevenYellowHammers · 19/09/2026 08:28

You’re friends with this rotter?

SaltyandSweet · 19/09/2026 06:38

You sound very self-absorbed and just plain nasty. Where are your morals? Don't you know right from wrong?

Differentforgirls · 19/09/2026 06:12

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:03

I have actually called him out over his affair in the past, so I’m certainly not someone who condones cheating. But I’ll admit that the way she has behaved towards me has changed how sympathetic I feel towards her.
From what I’ve seen, her behaviour towards him is very controlling and seems to have pushed him further away. More importantly, her issues with me haven’t just stayed within their marriage. He was the one who sheepishly told me that she had been discussing me with our boss and that he thought she’d said enough to potentially ruin my chances of getting a job I’d hoped was on the cards.
I work in an industry where jobs are heavily based on reputation and word of mouth, so that could have had a genuine impact on my career. That’s the point where I stopped feeling particularly charitable towards her.

So not only a cheat but a gossip. Sounds like a prize.

Sartre · 19/09/2026 06:08

Of course married men and women can be friends and it works well across lots of contexts with nothing untoward happening. I mostly work with men so I’d have no friendly collegial relationships if I avoided them which wouldn’t make sense. Many are old enough to be my dad and I have zero interest in them!

This tale is sad because she has every reason to be insecure, she likely knows about the affair but hasn’t pinned down who OW is and thinks it’s you.

CeciliaMars · 19/09/2026 05:58

So her husband is cheating on her, you know about it and are supporting him, and you’re asking what her problem is? 🤔

Error404FucksNotFound · 19/09/2026 05:47

Go to your employer and tell them you have heard X has been slandering you to them and youd like to discuss it. Tell them what she is saying is not true and you are concerned about the impact on your career.