AIBU to not understand why he didn't tell me about her?

I’m very sorry OP, this suggests that you don’t know him as well as you thought.

And certainly not well enough to marry him.

You are being unreasonable to not understand why he would keep it a secret. But not unreasonable to be upset by it.

To clarify - the reason he kept it secret was because when you first got together it didn’t seem a good idea to bring up that he was close with his ex, as it could have been a dealbreaker for a new partner with no invested time. As the relationship went on, bringing it up became more and more awkward because it looks like he’s been hiding it. So he just chose to not mention it.

I agree. Surely you share more intimate thoughts with a partner than you do with your wider social group. If you don’t what’s the difference between a partner and a more casual friend?

Absolutely!

If this scenario has been posted about a woman who was still alive the majority of the site would be screaming “emotional affair” and telling OP to LTB.

Then if OP disclosed the woman was also her partner’s Ex-girlfriend it would cause even more uproar!

But because he woman has now died the situation doesn’t matter and OP is insecure and in the wrong 🙄

If an ex of mine died I would of course be sad but I wouldn’t be “devastated” or dealing with the amount of grief that OP describes unless I was still extremely emotionally invested in them.

The ex’s family wouldn’t even think to contact me unless I was still a regular presence in theirs, and my ex’s life either.

What a strange way to think.

It’s really mean to have kept you in the dark all this time and now you’re in the position where you ll be treated like you’re an arsehole if you bring up that it’s a bit strange he’s been supporting his ‘best friend’ through cancer and you had no idea.

Really feel for you @Shardonneigghhh
idk what I’d do , maybe keep a lid on it for a bit and then when the dust settles, perhaps after the funeral just part ways.

you only need to say you want different things, you don’t have to make yourself the perceived villain by being honest about this bullshit situation and nobody wants to be fighting about a dead person.

leave him in the dark the way he has done to you.

His thoughts on her are private and his business you dont own them so he is entitled to feel or speak or not about this, it is nothing to do with you

@Shardonneigghhh you’ve been together 3 years and he hadn’t talked about or introduced you to his ‘supposedly’ best friend. That’s quite something.

Sounds like she was more than just a friend. And what else is he keeping from you?

Don’t marry him. You don’t even know him.

I think it is very strange that he has kept this part of his life so separate from you.
I certainly wouldn't be thinking this is someone I could trust going forward.
Lying by omission is lying to me.

Or still in a relationship of a more intimate nature.

Op you have one side of a story that basically makes no sense. You're together for 3 years and he doesn't even mention he's still friends and in touch with an ex?

He may not have gone to her town, but she may well have come to his.

I'd be asking the questions

When someone dies everyone puts on rose tinted spectacles so I would take the “best friend” remark with a pinch of salt on its own. It’s odd that the family called him so soon though. Were they together a long time, was he close to her family? I understand why you are unsettled.

This is an odd view. Why would you expect him to tell her about terminal illness of a person who has absolutely nothing to do with her. My partner is not privy to my friend's and ex's private medical information and if he told me he "expected" me to share every detail of other people's lives with him just because we are together, I would take a rather dim view of it.
OP hasn't met her because the woman lives in another town and it appears that her partner hasn't seen her in person since they met. Plus, the woman was terminally ill. I doubt she would be up for a chinwag with her old flame's new girlfriend.

I am so pleased I'm not insecure.

The OP doesn't even live with him.

There are many things I dont discuss with my DH as he isn't interested. I often message my ex. It didn't work out between us but that doesn't mean I dont care.

All these people who have gone off a tiny bit of information and are now assuming he is having an emotional affair... insecurity isn't attractive.

If I were the OP I'd be supporting my partner in their grief.

You knew of this ex's existence, as in your partner was once in a long-term relationship with her. What you weren't aware is that your partner has been in regular contact with her and also that she's been terminally ill.

It's extremely odd that your partner hasn't told you that his ex is terminally ill. I would have expected him to have told you this. To now turn to you and say his ex was his 'best friend' is even more odd. If this is correct, then why has he hidden the contact he's had with her, over the last 3 years? Why haven't you met her, if he considers her such a close friend?

At this moment in time, you need to park your questions and support your partner through his grief. It's not the right time to start quizzing him. At some point you do need to ask your partner to explain himself.

I would not be happy about this at all!

He has been deceitful

I’m trying to work out how I would honestly feel in this situation. I’m on good terms with all of my exes, and in sporadic contact with them, one in particular. I don’t think I’ve ever discussed that with DH, possibly because it would seem to make more of it than it is actually is - in my mind this ex now falls into the same category as other friends from uni I never dated, and there are certainly no residual romantic feelings there at all. DH wouldn’t be able to name any of my uni friends bar the few I still actually see on a regular basis; he came into my life a few years later so wasn’t part of that group. If I was texting one of them on any given day it wouldn’t cross my mind to mention it.

If this ex died I would be very sad, although it’s not something that would impact me in a practical way, as we haven’t had face-to-face contact in years. I could see myself describing him as my best friend at one point in my life, although obviously not now. On reflection, OP, I’m not sure this is the huge revelation you’re treating it as. And it’s very possible the ‘best friend’ talk is the sort of hyperbole that sometimes comes out when we’re upset and grieving someone who was an important part of our past.

This is exactly how I'd be thinking - what else hasn't he told me about?

Grieving or not, he's been an absolute arsehole to you for three years. I couldn't get past it, personally - I'd never trust a man like that again.

And if you've been on MN for a while you'll know that where a woman is having the "emotional affair" it's acceptable, so why not a man?

The OPer's DP should have taken a leaf out of a posters book on here recently that was having a full blown affair, her lover fucked off with his wife when she got relocated with work, she wondered if she should take her "secret" that shed been shagging him to the grave or tell her DH.
That was recommended she should keep it from him. Double standards much.

No she isn’t.

He has been caught out in a years long deliberate omission/misrepresentation.

So at some point the nature of this friendship and why his partner is secondary to it is going to have to be discussed.

Rather than assuming OP acted strange his choice to keep those two parts of his life out of view (i.e. secret) from each other needs to be discussed.

I would assume he likes have a roster of exes he’s getting attention from, OP, until I was satisfied otherwise.

I'm really not sure why you've got some of the responses you have

Presumably some of it is because this lady has sadly passed away but that doesn't excuse your partners' sneaky behaviour. I would really not want to consider a future with a man who can compartmentalise like this - even if it turns out they were only friends.

Is she the mother of any of his children?