DH health anxiety and depression, crying wolf or not

Why do you have to do so much running around after him and listening to all of it?

I have incurable cancer, something that may genuinely kill me in the next few years. It isn’t the main topic of conversation for Dh and I. Dh doesn’t accompany me to appointments, the exceptions being the few times when I’ve needed to be dropped off for surgery or when I’ve been in the hospital for a few days and he’s come to visit.

My Dh is lovely and very supportive, but I am an adult. My health does not need to be the centre of everyone else’s universe.

Well you can’t tell whether he is crying wolf or not.
However it definitely sounds like you are at the end of your tether and need a break.

Speaking as someone who has had a constant stream of mysterious health problems over the last 10 years - it is very difficult. I have had endless tests over the course of years and seen doctor after doctor before eventually coming across
some specialist who knew what was
going on and was able to diagnose (this has happened several times). One of the diagnoses is ADHD and that has several comorbid conditions, many of which are poorly understood and have no objective test and a fairly variable set of symptoms. This is why so many doctors were so confused for so long.

However it definitely sonsns

Living for years with a hypochondriac is so wearing.
No doubt he is thrilled to have something.
He has sucked the life out of you and unfortunately you have allowed.
Sadly I would rather be divorced than face this.
Have you considered ending your marriage or do you actually want to remain with him?
This is your life if you stay, sadly.

As for insisting you go to all his appointments for years.
THAT is not normal, highly controlling and needy.
That sounds so red flagish.

Do you feel controlled by him?

It's quite normal for one adult to accompany another to a medical appointment and very useful if you're having difficulty advocating for yourself, are finding it difficult to get taken seriously or are expecting distressing news. Or possibly he was just a drama llama- hard to know from the OP. He might have been imagining stuff for years then finally gotten sick, or he may have been suffering from an undiagnosed complaint for years that's finally been diagnosed.

Why do you go with him to the doctors? I'd suggest you stop, he is an adult.

What do you mean about 'crying wolf or not?'? You say he has been diagnosed with a condition?

I do really feel for you OP. My dad has health anxiety and is really quite unwell. My mother goes and cries in the kitchen quite often. Not because he's unwell but because he's very difficult to put up with. He talks a lot about his health, is incredibly persistent about medication and generally a bit of a bore. She does a lot of activities now and leaves him to it a couple of mornings or afternoons each week. Maybe think of, as pp have said, carving out time away from him. My dad suffers absolutely no ill effects from my mother popping out for the morning.

Facebook groups for the particular ill health issue can be amazing and understanding support..
An alternate place for him to vent?

Has he asked about social prescribing and things like peer support? They can be immensely valuable for people whose ill health and their (understandable) preoccupation with it puts an onerous burden on their families and friends to be their emotional support and to listen to them. It’s incredibly tough being in a relationship with somebody who is unwell and he needs to recognise that, as well as getting the support he needs outside of you, so that your world doesn’t shrink entirely into his.

As he’s had genuine medical problems and now has a serious health condition, I’d wonder if he’s spent many years being pushed from pillar to post with a variety of unspecified symptoms and has had doctors giving the impression that they think he’s just anxious or being a hypochondriac, hence wanting you at his appointments to “bear witness”? Again, peer support and advocacy might really benefit him here, whilst taking that weight off you.

I have to accompany him to doctor’s appointments to bear witness to his treatment

What do you mean by this?

In sickness and in health isn’t supposed to be a license to turn your spouse into an emotional punch bag though. Its a two way street and OP has health needs too.

On an aside, I never pronounced those words.
But I imagine you have no idea how the eternal health issues of a partner can weigh you down. Its endless & indeed depressing

I’m betting he also feels worn down, exhausted and depressed at how his like has shrunk.
It’s hard to tell from your post as you don’t give a huge amount of detailed history but you sound fed up and not particularly supportive. Clearly he’s not making it up - I’d be negative if my other half was this dismissive of my health conditions.

Is he receiving any treatment for his anxiety? It’s incredibly common in older people and can be improved.

Can you carve out time away from him to decompress? And a conversation about empathy burnout could be helpful.

Ive had a lot of health issues and surgery and last year had a hip replacement as well as a load of other joint issues. A few months later I fell over and sprained my ankle really quite badly and my DH simply couldn’t handle yet another injury and I understood that and tried to minimise any mention of it. He’s usually really good at the practical stuff but enough is enough.

Good luck.

I guess in sickness and in health means only sticking around when it’s easier.

Take a 2 week holiday and see how you feel at the end of it?

It doesn't sound like you love him, it sounds like you are depressed about the rest of your life with him, I think you might need some time to consider whether or not staying with him is what you want to do.

You don’t have to stay with him.

Another vote for you carving out time for yourself, ideally regular social events, which might recharge you so easier to cope with your partner

I'm sorry, but it does sound like there's a lot of health anxiety and mental health issues (notwithstanding that he does have a serious issue now).

I have some sympathy but I think people owe it to their families not to drag them down by making them spectators in a parade of never-ending health woes. It sounds like he treats you as an unpaid therapist and expects to be able to offload onto you constantly, which isn't fair on you.

Has he spoken to someone about his health anxieties and mental health?

Agree would he see a therapist?

I had a lot of surgery and it was horrible. I then had 9 months of therapy and it really helped to get out all my frustrations I felt about being abandoned by the consultant when I really needed some advice and he wasn't available (private).

I talked about the pain and how it was affecting me - such as for months I realised I had been walking around the house gripping my hands into fists, shrugged shoulders, braced jaw etc.

The talking really really helped. I didn't do psychotherapy, just a counsellor who BUPA paid for.

Sounds as though you need a break. I can see it would be very difficult for him to feel unwell for years and not be believed (or for the underlying cause not to be found) but its also been really tough on you.

How do you think things will play out now? Is his condition curable, or manageable so he starts to feel better in himself? Is this likely to result in a change in mood?

You can be sympathetic and supportive without being a dumping ground for every anxiety or complaint he has. Perhaps you need to remind him of this, and refer him to a therapist to work through if he constantly needs to unload.

It's hard to manage constant negativity and I think having his mindset can have a negative effect on physical health also. Sounds really hard to live with. Not unwise to have some boundaries, distance yourself sometimes and carve out some time for yourself doing what you enjoy to balance this, at the very least.