AIBU to let my adult nephew move in after rent rise from my sister?

Our nephew stayed here last night and is moving in with us properly today. I tried to talk to my sister yesterday but she didn’t want to discuss it, then when my nephew got home from work yesterday, she said he could pay £750 per month but he no. She told him if he is leaving then she wants him out by the end of the weekend and she wants everything gone. He came with a car full of stuff last night and my husband is going to help him to get the rest this morning as she wants him to take everything. I think she is doing it all wrong but I’m staying quiet as it’s his mum. I feel so sad for him, this isn’t right.

Because it's a commercial rate for a lodger, even in an expensive part of the country, and he has zero rights for that money. As evidenced by the fact that she kicked him out with two days notice. She can choose to charge that, he can choose not to pay it and go elsewhere.

I’m busy trying to do other things and haven’t read all the posts!

His salary has just increased to £35k, he was on £30k until recently. She is increasing what she charges him by more than his net salary increase, which I think is awful.

Her partner apparently earns £42k. I’m not sure what my sister earns now but I know 5 years ago she was on the £100k boundary as she was looking to put extra in her pension to keep under that.

Your sister is being greedy and you absolutely should let your nephew stay with you. What sort of mother fleeces their own child?

Charging £800 a month isn’t the issue at all, why shouldn’t she be charging him that? Although personally we ask for a fraction of that from our adult DC, but that should be our choice. Falling out with your son and sister just because he’s found a better deal is what makes her sound not very nice

It’s great that you like your nephew and want to have him live with you and everyone will enjoy it.

However, you ARE being disrespectful to your sister. You believe that her approach is wrong and you are going to swoop in and rectify it.

I also don’t think you’ve really talked it through with her fully and properly. You “don’t think” that her motivation is to encourage her son into full adulting. If you’re this involved in her business, you should KNOW. You should have listened to her. For the record, even though that may not be her actual motivation, it would be a very valid one in my opinion. You characterise it as sour grapes - parents trying to make sure their child doesn’t have a better life than them. I disagree. Every problem you solve for your child, you deprive them of the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to learn how to solve that problem themselves. If this is done repeatedly, it undermines their confidence and capability. Nobody develops all the skills of adulthood until they are separate from their parents and fully responsible for their own life - there are lots of things you don’t have to deal with until that actually happens. Yes, of course young people would like to have more disposable income and less responsibility. And it sounds lovely for him at your house. But what’s fun and what’s good for you aren’t always the same thing.

But anyway, as you say, that may well not be her motivation. Nevertheless, you have set yourself above her. You obviously consider yourself superior. You think your way of doing things is better. Yet you haven’t really drilled down into her reasons.

It’s not your call to say whose way is better. By all means invite him to stay with you, if you think you’d all enjoy it, but don’t set yourself up on the moral high ground. And talk to your sister properly.

It’s great that you like your nephew and want to have him live with you and everyone will enjoy it.

However, you ARE being disrespectful to your sister. You believe that her approach is wrong and you are going to swoop in and rectify it.

I also don’t think you’ve really talked it through with her fully and properly. You “don’t think” that her motivation is to encourage her son into full adulting. If you’re this involved in her business, you should KNOW. You should have listened to her. For the record, even though that may not be her actual motivation, it would be a very valid one in my opinion. You characterise it as sour grapes - parents trying to make sure their child doesn’t have a better life than them. I disagree. Every problem you solve for your child, you deprive them of the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to learn how to solve that problem themselves. If this is done repeatedly, it undermines their confidence and capability. Nobody develops all the skills of adulthood until they are separate from their parents and fully responsible for their own life - there are lots of things you don’t have to deal with until that actually happens. Yes, of course young people would like to have more disposable income and less responsibility. And it sounds lovely for him at your house. But what’s fun and what’s good for you aren’t always the same thing.

But anyway, as you say, that may well not be her motivation. Nevertheless, you have set yourself above her. You obviously consider yourself superior. You think your way of doing things is better. Yet you haven’t really drilled down into her reasons.

It’s not your call to say whose way is better. By all means invite him to stay with you, if you think you’d all enjoy it, but don’t set yourself up on the moral high ground. And talk to your sister properly.

Ripping your son off to the tune of £800 per month is not launching your son as an adult, it’s gouging him for every penny you can get from
him.

It’s great that you like your nephew and want to have him live with you and everyone will enjoy it.

However, you ARE being disrespectful to your sister. You believe that her approach is wrong and you are going to swoop in and rectify it.

I also don’t think you’ve really talked it through with her fully and properly. You “don’t think” that her motivation is to encourage her son into full adulting. If you’re this involved in her business, you should KNOW. You should have listened to her. For the record, even though that may not be her actual motivation, it would be a very valid one in my opinion. You characterise it as sour grapes - parents trying to make sure their child doesn’t have a better life than them. I disagree. Every problem you solve for your child, you deprive them of the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to learn how to solve that problem themselves. If this is done repeatedly, it undermines their confidence and capability. Nobody develops all the skills of adulthood until they are separate from their parents and fully responsible for their own life - there are lots of things you don’t have to deal with until that actually happens. Yes, of course young people would like to have more disposable income and less responsibility. And it sounds lovely for him at your house. But what’s fun and what’s good for you aren’t always the same thing.

But anyway, as you say, that may well not be her motivation. Nevertheless, you have set yourself above her. You obviously consider yourself superior. You think your way of doing things is better. Yet you haven’t really drilled down into her reasons.

It’s not your call to say whose way is better. By all means invite him to stay with you, if you think you’d all enjoy it, but don’t set yourself up on the moral high ground. And talk to your sister properly.

Ignoring the goady posters, those with weird issues about helping family and those with chips on their shoulders…..

My nephew has all his stuff here now. His mum even made him go through the loft and garages and said anything left by tomorrow will be binned. Who does that with 2 days notice? Anyway, he’s got everything. My husband told him to just bring everything he might want, we can store it and he can go through it whenever he has time. He’s been setting up his room, computer, putting artwork up etc with my kids helping. We are all going to sit and relax with a well deserved takeaway and a film. It’s been a horrible time but hopefully he’ll feel settled and happy now.

Sounds like your sister is trying to make money from him, rather than you! Also sounds like she’s annoyed you’re potentially taking away her income stream.

Ignoring the goady posters, those with weird issues about helping family and those with chips on their shoulders…..

My nephew has all his stuff here now. His mum even made him go through the loft and garages and said anything left by tomorrow will be binned. Who does that with 2 days notice? Anyway, he’s got everything. My husband told him to just bring everything he might want, we can store it and he can go through it whenever he has time. He’s been setting up his room, computer, putting artwork up etc with my kids helping. We are all going to sit and relax with a well deserved takeaway and a film. It’s been a horrible time but hopefully he’ll feel settled and happy now.

I didn’t need to keep suggesting that my nephew speak properly to his mum about why she put his rent up because he was already having those conversation with her. I have encouraged both my nephew and sister to keep open communication throughout all of this.

I have talked to my nephew about how much he is saving and how much he would like have in savings before buying a property. I know these figures but you don’t need to.

I have not gone straight to offering him a cheaper option. We had many conversations about the best course of action for everyone over a number of weeks.

There is a timeframe. I have said he wants to buy a house with his girlfriend when his wage increases significantly in the next few years. If that doesn’t go to plan, he can buy without her but I am happy for him to stay longer. You don’t need to know every detail.

He has acted and been treated like an adult, at least by us, throughout. It’s ok for even adults to ask for advice and help from people who they love and trust.

He is not entitled in the slightest. He is a genuinely lovely person who I am proud of. He has dealt with losing his dad and has had many setbacks in life but has come through them all to be resilient, kind and hardworking.

You are making things up. I’m not sure what your problem is.

His mum is not throwing him out. She is still setting his “keep” well below what it would cost him to live independently, and at a level he could easily save £1k a month, if he can keep his social spending to around £100-120 a week.

This young man has an inheritance and already had a pot of savings and the OP hasn’t suggested her nephew talk properly to his mum about why she’s moved the rent level, or talk about how much he’s saving a month or what his target amount is. She’s just gone straight to offering him a cheaper option and decided her sister’s motivation must be evil.

There is no timeframe on any of this, no idea of saving targets or what he is managing to save a month now. After he pays his mum now (which includes food) he has around £1500 a month, what he actually saves of that, the OP doesn’t know and doesn’t think she needs to know before offering to have him stay indefinitely and blowing up her relationship with her sister.

No one seems to think this above average earning man should be treated like an adult, this isn’t about saying “we had it tough so you should too”, but “he’s an adult with a professional job who went running to his aunt, not having a proper conversation with his mum.”

His mum is still offering to have him live with her, subsidising his lifestyle so he can save. He just thinks he should get an even better deal with his aunt. That he even asked is incredibly entitled.

Ignoring the goady posters, those with weird issues about helping family and those with chips on their shoulders…..

My nephew has all his stuff here now. His mum even made him go through the loft and garages and said anything left by tomorrow will be binned. Who does that with 2 days notice? Anyway, he’s got everything. My husband told him to just bring everything he might want, we can store it and he can go through it whenever he has time. He’s been setting up his room, computer, putting artwork up etc with my kids helping. We are all going to sit and relax with a well deserved takeaway and a film. It’s been a horrible time but hopefully he’ll feel settled and happy now.