AIBU to let my adult nephew move in after rent rise from my sister?

There are times you have to stand up and say I will support my nephew, you can’t see him homeless or ripped off because your sister is offering only these choices . Your sister is making money off him, that’s not contributing towards living costs . Your sister isn’t being reasonable. I’d understand if she was a single mum struggling because her child is in work and step can no longer get benefits, but there’s no mention of this , two adults working should fund their lives and their adult child trying to get out into the big world needs encouragement and as much support as possible. Your sister is in danger of losing her son

@YearsOfLife you sound like a lovely mum and aunt and your nephew sounds like a hardworking, decent young man. Your sister, on the other hand, sounds horribly mean. She is asking for a rent increase higher than a slum landlord and higher than the increase in his salary when she is on a six figure salary herself and living with a partner who earns too. That's either very tight or she or her partner have some other agenda. Is she able to express it to you?

I agree with your comments and don't understand the attitude that some posters have that your nephew needs to move out to learn 'adulting' and that he should stop 'sponging off family'. I suspect that some of these posters are projecting their own experiences here rather than understanding that times have changed and things are much harder for young people to manage now. Your nephew is, of course, extremely fortunate to have the advantage of being able to live with family and save (many do not) but it doesn't mean that he should be vilified for it.

He may get more than he bargained for. If my child the same age moved out for a cheaper deal, reality would soon hit home. I'm not allowed to have him on our medical insurance if he moves out, and he needs it, so that would become his. He'd also have to get his own insurances for other things, get his own car because the family one won't be at his disposal at times (which he doesn't pay fuel or insurance for, or do without a car), he'd have to start paying for his own phone as it would no longer be on the family plan, and that's just for starters. It would equate to at least what he thinks he's going to save. That might not be a bad lesson for some to get with the real world.

Wow projecting much. Maybe your nephew ran a drug business out of his bedroom but the op seems really confident she knows her nephew.

Why is it 'time he became independent'? How is he 'sponging' off anyone. He is and would continue to pay his expenses and contribute to all household tasks. Are you able to articulate why you feel this way and why it makes you angry that this young man is living with his family? The cost of housing has risen so much in the last 30 years that it makes complete sense to do this now.

Do not get involved and do not let him move in, there is a reason she is charging this amount of money!!! At £800 pcm he can stand on his own two feet and get his own place. And trust me that will be better for everyone involved. Do not take on responsibility for your nephew. You will regret it!!

Good on you OP. £800 a month is high. Your sister likely being influenced by her own partner but looking after your nephew is admirable. Your sister is out of order and agree with your DH.

Yanbu.
£ 800 month when he's earning £35k a year and they are on over £142k is insane. He's saving for a house deposit and to secure his future.
Why is that not the priority for his parent too?
Honestly, your sister sounds awful and if mine had done something like this I'd have told her what a horrible shit she was being. Upsetting the family dynamic wouldn't concern me because I wouldn't actually want to spend time with my sister or her partner after something like this.

They are unlikely to be renting and very unlikely she us renting a larger house just so the son can live with them.

Almost certainly she will be a homeowner. A middle aged woman earning 100k with a partner on 40k is unlikely to be renting and may not even have a mortgage.

You sound a lovibg Aunt and want to help your neohew. Your sister is at fault here. Not yiu. She wants to make money out of her son. Not a loving Mum. You let him stay if you are ok with it. Nit her business.

He’s lucky to have you.

But not including bills and food. I think everyone is ignoring that house shares aren't all inclusive care homes/ fully catered student halls.

I honestly don't care, my daughter only paid towards food and put all kinds of expensive stuff on the list every week, but we helped her (financially and logistically) move into her own rental after a year of working because her commute from ours was just too long (not a work from home career) and she was getting so exhausted.

We had agreed we'd split everything equally if she was still at home at 25 though, partly as a joke because BIL was still living with FIL rent free and eating everything in the freezer despite a good job (and owning several cars), in his 40s.

I'm really playing devil's advocate, as I said, I don't necessarily think the man's mother is in the right, though I'd quite like to hear her side!

@Wechsel i disagree re £35k meaning theyre in london.
I have two dcs in a similar position.
One is earning £31k in year placement. The other is earning £35k as his first job. Both in the north of England.

£30k is the national average for graduates just coming out of school - not fur those who have already worked 1 year and progressed within the company.

£800 per month is about what my dc is spending with a house share + food when working.

So no I disagree tge nephew is getting a bargain with the mum’s proposal.

No it wouldn't be as it includes food - £40 a week for food is about £175 a month, plus £100 a month for 1/3 of council tax if they're in a three bed detached house (a graduate training scheme paying 35k will be London or another expensive city) and another £100 for a 1/3 share of bills would be £425 a month in actual rent.

In any event the contribution to food isn't taxable and would bring the annual amount down to the tax free maximum even if the share of bills is taxable.

Again I'm not actually saying the man's mother is morally right, just surprised at all the white knights outraged by a really quite comfortable set up which still leaves him better off than most people his age.

I've seen far less sympathetic threads in response to blameless year 12 kids sleeping on the sofa due to too many half and step siblings and the other parent gone AWOL.

He's 24 and he might have to choose between saving more than 1k a month and taking a packed lunch and only going out drinking once a week, or going out three nights a week, buying lunch and coffee and only saving £500 a month.

Yes, his mother isn't subbing him by as much as most who can afford to would, but it is veering slightly into tight diamond shoes territory objectively.

I still think there are some pale peach cheeky fucker flags flying about him even asking his aunt to take him in for £400, which may well be barely his share of food and bills given the likelihood of his girlfriend joining him, given that the OP has mentioned that this might be a five year tenancy to allow him to save a "huge" (her word) deposit, not a six month emergency stop gap ... I mean if he's already done as well as the OP says with savings he could buy his own one bed flat needing a bit of work in some easily commutable parts of it Essex in six months, if he absolutely has to get on the housing ladder...

Up to them obviously!

Fair enough on the figures but if you're charging a child an equal third that's more like being in a house share but without the benefits, for the son. It feels like they're trying to make money out of him, have their costs really gone up that much? I just fundamentally think a child should be charged a nominal rent while living at home, allowing them to save and live a bit. Presumably they survived before he was working so why the massive leap now.

When I graduated (eons ago), my mum told me I had two weeks to find a job and start paying rent. When the two weeks were up, I hadn’t been able to find a job - even if I’d had an offer, I wouldn’t have been paid by then.

I phoned her sister, who lived in a different (more expensive) city, and asked if I could stay with her for a bit while I looked for a job. She said yes. I asked how much rent she’d want, and she just laughed and said she’d never charge me rent. I moved in that weekend.

It took me a month to find a job and I paid her in babysitting (took the kids to school, picked them up, did bath times, looked after them in the evening so my aunt and uncle could go out). As soon as I had a deposit for a room, I moved out.

I’ve always been really grateful. I ended up living in that city for five years and stayed close to that aunt.

I think you sound lovely. I wish I’d have had somebody helping me & being so proud.
what a shame his mum is on a different page. & how shitty that must be making him feel.
its not like she’s on a shoddy salary herself!
it seems like she doesn’t want to loose the £800 but doesn’t want you to take him in ..how would that appear to others!
If it were me I’d give her one last chance & if still nothing I’d do what was right for my nephew.
on a side note , after his mum & her partner are being quite so greedy/pig headed, does he actually even want to stay there?

Your sister is a hypocrit, by acusing you of what she is guilty of.

Infact, you would be saving your nephew £400, compared to living with his mum and her partner.

He is family and it may mean that your nephew is being exploited by his own mum, which looks pretty bad to be honest, but if you let him move in, then no matter how she tries to guilt you, you are offering him refuge when she was exploiting him.

So you are in a morally stronger position and she is is in a weak one.

You’re a lovely Aunty. Do it. Your nephew will always be grateful x

I'd let him move him. And you do not need your sister's permission. If you want to help him, help him. Your sister is probably pissed off as she'll be down £6k a year, and may have mentally calculated receiving £9.6k a year going forward.

Charging someone £800 to live in their family is a joke no matter how much they are earning. And people always bring up that moving into a rented flat or house share would be more expensive, whilst ignoring that part of that payment goes towards freedom, rights and protection from eviction.

I think you sound great, he's a lucky boy to have such an aunt determined to support him.
Lots of young people work hard and save. But of course they should enjoy their 20's.
I never understand people who want their children to have it as hard as they did.
I certainly don't.
I actually think they have it very hard.
Graduate internships are like hens teeth in reputable companys.

@YearsOfLife seeing that the mum’s partner is earning about £45k, I’m Wondering if the problem isn’t that her partner was putting much more than the nephew in the pot re ‘utilities + mortgage’ and kicked up a fuss about it. Esp as the nephew is now earning nearly as much as him iyswim

@YearsOfLife seeing that the mum’s partner is earning about £45k, I’m Wondering if the problem isn’t that her partner was putting much more than the nephew in the pot re ‘utilities + mortgage’ and kicked up a fuss about it. Esp as the nephew is now earning nearly as much as him iyswim

That’s not how things work. If you want to compare it, you need to compare it to the cost of house share in that area as this is what the nephew would pay.

£700 per month I would get you a nice place.