AIBU in wanting to move daughter for second time in primary school

This is a massive over-generalisation.

My child has been at both state and private and there are pluses and minuses for both, obviously. But saying people are "more welcoming and open minded" at state schools is just two dimensional stereotyping.

There are lovely, friendly and welcoming state schools (my daughter's primary was one) and horrible, intimidating ones filled with aggressive kids who pick on anyone who seems different. Similarly there are private schools which are warm and friendly and ones filled with stuck up arseholes.

It's much more complex than that and you need to choose the school according to what it provides rather than how it's funded.

You want to move your happy and settled child to a different school because YOU don’t feel you fit in with the school mums? Stop being so ridiculous, you’re not the one at school ffs!

So many people i know have these issues at private school

stick her in the local state school

pwople are more welcoming, more open minded and the classes are bigger so she’s more likely to find friends she gels with

You are really over thinking things. She is only 6, she is a newbie. If you want the best for your daughter stop shuffling her around when you feel uneasy and work on your anxiety

Have you identified a different school that you think would suit your family better?
so is this a case of feeling like you will fit better at a different setting or just exiting the current one because of discomfort?

Exactly. It’s the OP’s social anxiety. Moving her again will only compound the issue.

This is all about you being unhappy not her,

At 6+ parties start to shrink and children invite a smaller group of close friends, instead of the evoke class. As she joined the school late, she will have missed out on some of the friendship forming time. If you live her again, this will only compound. Having chosen the school, you need to allow her to integrate into its culture, rather then imposing your anxiety about differences she and her friends won’t have noticed.

It's very understandable that people try to befriend other parents but you can't socially engineer your way into friendships and trying too hard will drive you mad and will possibly push people away. The chances are that most of the people who appear to be really close are friendships of expediency anyway.

I can sympathise as I also have a child at private school and I'm significantly less well off than the families of most of her peers, so a lot of the things they do in school holidays etc are out of the question for me.

You can't win that and you can't force people to accept you: you just have to get on with being you and let your child be her. If it's a real problem you reassess, but it sounds like you need to let go a bit.

State primary schools can be really good so I would move her (once you have moved house) and save the money for potential secondary schools, or to allow you to reduce the asking price of your house.

Don't move your DC's school because of party invites. Get some perspective. Your child is happy, safe and learning. That's what she goes to school for. It's good that you've pulled back on your own social obligations/expectations there, but the fact you're still thinking of moving her shows you need to keep a watch on your feelings and not be trying to manage her experience to this extent.

Oh and sorry an extra thing- as you were forced to move schools due to your old one closing, is there an element you didn’t have the time to research as well as you did first time round and this school isn’t the fit you’d have picked if it wasn’t a problem of needing to find a new school?

id complete the school year unless you are worried about the quality of education your dd is getting, look at KS2 options and just be polite at the school gate, stop looking for friends.

OP, I’ve assumed your dd is Y2, but obviously could be one of the eldest of year 1.

if she’s year 2, end of KS1 is a common time to move, many schools have a year 3 intake for the start of KS2.

If the money is an issue and you are more concerned about the social side and finding your own group, you might be better with the bigger group of a state school.

remember your child is there to make friends, you are not.

Honestly I think you need to decouple how you feel about your place within the school social environment from how your child feels. Ultimately this is about what suits her, not you and kindly it sounds like you may be overinvesting in your position in the school social environment.

A lot of parents seem to be unable to separate their experience of school from their child's experience. The two things are very different and you should never use school as a launchpad for a social life: its very unlikely it will live up to your expectations: most parents won't have time to make friends as part of the school ecosystem. If your child is actively unhappy and feels she is being excluded or bullied then this is a different matter, but it sounds as if its more about your anxieties than hers.

Also I wouldn't move her again unless you feel you really have to. It takes time to settle into a school and moving all the time will make the process of building friendships harder.

She’s only just started the term. Is your dd happy in her class? If she isn’t and you think she’d be happier / have more party invites if she were with her friends in the other class, you should ask her to be moved. You point out she’s from a minority culture and has been left out of things.

As she’s in private school, you do have clout as at the end of the day, you can change her. However, they should listen to you if you say you feel she’s being excluded. And not being treated the same as everyone else. And therefore not getting the same opportunities as everyone else.

Use these words, because schools are supposed to ensure everyone is treated fairly and has the same opportunities. So hopefully they will address the like unfairness and exclusion. And they need to be aware there is an issue that you believe your daughter is perhaps being othered even if she isn’t aware at this stage.

Sounds like your anxiety which would be a factor wherever she went. She’s happy and you do have friends there - which isn’t even really the point, as her school isn’t for you to fit into or not really. It’d be better if you were less involved and not micromanaging things she’s not even aware of or bothered about. Try to be glad she’s perfectly fine there and get on with your job and other things in your life. Moving schools again is needlessly disruptive and everywhere will have some issue to get anxious about. You need to work on managing that not reacting to it.

Whatmakes your daughter happy? She may have a happy, carefree childhood with just a few close friends. Maybe she's not interested in going to parties. Maybe she's doesn't suffer from FOMO or the sense of being "left out". It's very easy for us mothers to imagine what a perfect childhood should look like and then, with the best of intentions, try to fit our unique child into that mould, when it isn't what they want.

The other things is this. We can't protect our children forever. If you try to smooth her path too much, she'll never develop the strength and resilience she'll need to walk uphill.

You do seem to be focussing on this unnecessarily. You mention you have anxiety, this may be causing your to hyper focus on a worry that shouldn’t be so big.

You mention you’re trying to sell a house and have changed jobs. This is a lot of change. Could you be inadvertently focusing on this as it feels like something you can fix? That’s more in control?

Can you gain some peace and distance by saying “I don’t have to fix this now” and putting it in the back burner. Your daughter is happy. This isn’t a now problem or problem at all of her. You can look at it again if you move or if she becomes less happy.

Your friends sound solid, good friends tell you the truth.

Keep moving schools is certainly a great way to ensure she doesn’t make any friends, doesn’t fit into the community, and doesn’t get invited to parties!

But also, why make it about you? You feel uncomfortable but she doesn’t appear to. And that’s great, because she is the one who is actually attending the school.

This very much sounds like your anxiety talking.

Your child’s schooling about you feeling like you fit in, it’s about your child’s happiness. If she has friends there it doesn’t really matter whether you do or not.

Her happiness is really the only thing you should care about and her mental health will be the bigger contributor to her future success. If you can afford it, stay. If you honestly simply cannot afford it, move now not any later through primary. I was moved schools age 8 due to moving to another part of the country and it took me 4 years to recover socially

So she is happy, you do have friends amongst the parents, and you think people aren’t inviting dd to parties because of religious/cultural differences or wealth? Have any of her special friends not invited you? Have you been excluded from whole class parties?

Unless it’s an extremely prestigious school I would be surprised that snobbery is coming into it.

Have you identified another school where there are significantly more people from your own religious community and income bracket where you may feel more at ease ? What are the disadvantages of that school (since no school is perfect) and is it a trade-off you’re happy to make?

If it’s just a general feeling of “hmmm I’m not the typical parent here” I probably would nothing.

Moving her earlier is better, if you are going to do it. You will need to contact school admissions at your council to find out where has places, as your local catchment school might not have a place.

Having said that, there is not a problem free school experience. If you move her to a state school some things will be better, something’s will be worse and there is no way of knowing if social exclusion (real, imagined, somewhere in between) will happen at the new school, as well.

It’s kind of a ‘choose your problems’ and get on with it.