AIBU in wanting to move daughter for second time in primary school

I kinda get where you are coming from but I’d not move her if she is happy. I put my son in a really good state primary but often feel looked down upon by the professional parents (I’m a single mum with a customer service job) I imagine it’s even more marked in a private school. He’s 9 now so I thankfully don’t have to go to many all class parties and he’s found his own little tribe there. And I think all schools come with their own set of issues. It seems his particular class has a larger number of snobby parents too and I’ve made friends with parents from other year groups who we met at swimming. We also spend lots of time with friends and family outside school so it’s not the “be all and end all” - he goes to Cubs which is very inclusive and I’ve become a helper and made friends there too and we also made friends at church. So I’d say it’s about finding your people. I’ve taught him “those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” think that’s a good philosophy for life. It does get easier as they get older and once at high school you won’t have to see any parents if you don’t want!

I have truly never thought about whether I liked a school as being decided by whether I fit in with other parents. I have my own friends. I don’t need more friends and I don’t need to be friends with the parents of my children’s friends. I am not rude to people but I have never sought out friendships with other parents. My eldest is in secondary and youngest is late primary age. They have lots of lovely friends. I have had no hand in facilitating that at all. I do coordinate with other parents for play dates and sharing lifts, but that is the extent of it. I have my own busy life outside of school. You need to ride this out and let her settle. She needs stability to grow in confidence socially.

YABU I think .She is happy there and doing well.I think we can go mad thinking of the "perfect " childhood when there is no such thing! She may be moved and not be happy .I would leave well alone and there are problems you have imagined I think ,

Looking at it from a child’s perspective, all they need is one friend who fully accepts them as their friend. If your child has found such a friend I’d say focus on growing that friendship and the rest will evolve. As she grows up and gets to y3 and the endless extra curricular activities take over your lives - she will branch out and click with new people.
Not being invited to parties is a horrible feeling but joining a school late can sometimes cause this issue. When my DC joined in reception I made a huge effort for her and myself to get stuck in. After that year I felt ‘settled’ and never really made a similar effort with the new kids & parents who joined the school later. I never stayed away, but I got busy with work, older kids etc. and it never quite felt the same as Reception.
I know it pinches harder when it’s private school and you feel like that gives you the ticket to being included. Sadly that’s not always the case.
If your daughter is happy then leave it. If not, look for a logical stage to change schools like Y3 into a school which has new intake (either few seats or all) and makes an effort to integrate new people.

Why are you comparing high school with your 6yo's school experience? If you can't recall your own school experience at that age well enough to compare it, then you have your answer. She's doing fine. She's not aware of these phantom parties now and she never will be. But she will remember if you keep moving her because that's the kind of repeat disruption that causes deep insecurity, when nothing feels stable. Your non-existent bank balance was the choice you made. The time to do the maths was before choosing this school. Nothing's changed except your mood, and that's not something to navigate your DD's education by.

That’s right and you know, if it feels like work…people can sense that. I realised looking back I’d been over intense and poor at choosing - you need to find the people you like that are trying to build a bigger network. I realised when I moved into a new area some people aren’t looking, they’re closed shops with a network sufficient for them and no desire to expand it. That matters too.

you're perhaps trying too hard, I’ve been there, volunteering to do the social organising, more than one whole class party. You need to relax about it, scale back the volunteering and let it evolve gradually. Also, perhaps you need to broaden your search for community outside of school settings, as well as accepting that friendships are like any other relationship, sometimes people we like the look of don’t like us, etc.

the happiest families I know have a pool of community - friends and family, school friends, church friends, friends from other hobbies, neighbour friends. It’s a matrix. You’re looking for school to do too much heavy lifting.

Have you ever held a party for the whole class?

How YOU feel doesn’t matter one iota. She is the one at school all day. You have your day job to keep you busy.

Gently, you are overthinking this too much

i worked FT since my two were in primary, your social standing with parents honestly doesn’t affect their friendships. I felt very out of the loop with all the SAHMs, but my two were social butterflies and always had friendship groups to switch between

It’s not really about you, though.

I am guessing your own school days weren’t particularly happy. Please be careful not to project your own experience or anxiety onto her.
Also, moving usually just transfers the issue.

Your daughter is happy. Leave her be. You don't go to the school so it doesn't really matter whether you fit in or not.

So you’re debating moving her because of ‘your’ issues with the parents potentially not liking you not hers with the children. Please stop, her education is not linked to whether they do or don’t like you.

You need to model some resilience for your daughter. Unfortunately she is likely to inherit a tough world, as all our kids are. You don't want to teach her that running away solves problems.

(My advice would be different if she was really miserable and unhappy but that doesn't appear to be the case).

Don’t move your child to her third school in 2 years because you don’t feel you have made any friends! Is she year 2? She can’t have been there more than 12 months!
If she is unhappy, you can’t afford it, she’s not progressing then you move her. She doesn’t need to be invited to all the parties. Just any that her actual friends have! Keep
fostering her relationships, with the children she chooses. The others don’t matter.

Your post is all about you which I hope is just your anxiety talking. Too many people on here fret about the parental social side of primary school when all that really matters is that your child is happy and settled.

This is all about you and not her. Leave her be.

I’ve some good friends at school, I mean I question this as they say I’m over invested and that she’s happy and stop worrying.

I found this sentence concerning.

It sounds like you are processing a lot of your worries around this with other parents.

If this is the case, stop.

Its too much for people who are not longstanding friends but are parents of your daughters classmates.

The thing is many children have friends from outside as well as from inside school, and it sounds as though your daughter does have friends in school.

So does your daughter also have friends from within your own social group, your religious group, your cultural group, your wider family? Does she take part in any social activities outside school, dance, gymnastics, brownies? If you answered yes to any of these then she is fine. She doesn’t have to be Miss Congeniality to be a happy, socially well functioning little girl.

I think you are letting your own social anxieties block your perception a bit. It really doesn’t matter if there are some parents at the school who aren’t your bff, who you don’t WhatsApp, or have as your Facebook friends. School is school, it’s not your life. What does matter is that your daughter is happy there and that she is learning. Looking over an imaginary fence at another imaginary school and thinking the imaginary grass on their imaginary playing field is greener is honestly a waste of your energy. Focus on the friends you have made, the friends she has made and enjoy watching your happy, healthy and loved six year old grow and develop.