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Original poster

AIBU to refuse SIL's family holiday?

28 replies

Goawayorthrowaway · 18/09/2026 02:31

Giving lots of background info so there's not a big drip feed, sorry it's long and thanks for reading!

I have a great relationship with my PIL, they were v supportive when I lost my mom just after uni and have always been really kind and welcoming. I especially adore my MIL, we are extremely similar in lots of ways - DH is very close to his mom so she's an important part of our lives. SIL1 is lovely too, we don't have as much in common and she is 15 years older than me but we've always gotten on well and she and DH are close.

The years DH and I were together in uni SIL2 was living abroad, so she was never around when we visited PILs or for parties etc. I didn't think anything of it, DH didn't mention her in any particular way except to (jokingly) say she talked non-stop which is why he ignored her phone calls. After about 2 years she sort of demanded that I be introduced to her in a very 'I'll see what I make of this young one' way. When I met her it was just a bizarre - she referred to me in the third person repeatedly, made weirdly personal comments about my body, was intensely possessive over her parents, her home, her brother... so much so that both DH and MIL told her over the few days to calm down/lay off me.

Since then we've had a sort of surface level polite relationship but it's always been pretty clear she resents me being so comfortable in her family - loads of petty nonsense and drama over the 10 years we've been together but I've tried v v hard to keep it friendly. More recently DH has pulled away and they've had a few rows over her behaviour in general.

Today she rang me to give out that (1) we haven't seen them all summer and (2) she wants to organise a family holiday for MILs birthday in December but no one wants to go (because it will be too much drama). Apparently this is my fault - she "knows" I have told DH we're not going (completely untrue) and that is why SIL1 won't go (?????) It got quite heated, I tried to just laugh it off and say she should talk to DH, this has nothing to do with me etc etc but she was shouting a lot so I just hung up eventually. ANYWAY, apparently my lovely MIL has now been dragged into it all, is very upset and think we should all just go along with it to keep SIL2 happy.

AIBU to say no fucking way!?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 18/09/2026 02:40

Don’t go. It will be playing her deranged behaviour. It’s cause and effect. If someone has bad behaviour, others don’t want to be around them. This is usually learnt by most people as kids from toddler years onwards, but seemingly some folk miss the memo.

NiftyKoala · 18/09/2026 02:44

HoppingPavlova · 18/09/2026 02:40

Don’t go. It will be playing her deranged behaviour. It’s cause and effect. If someone has bad behaviour, others don’t want to be around them. This is usually learnt by most people as kids from toddler years onwards, but seemingly some folk miss the memo.

This. She wants you to go to habe you to pick on and goad. Don't give her what she wants.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2026 02:51

She thinks if you cave and your dh goes, others will too. She may be projecting all the shitty stuff about herself that she doesn’t like onto you.

Shedmistress · 18/09/2026 03:35

She is incapable of making one phone call, there is no way a whole holiday will sort this out. She sounds utterly deranged.

Yello24 · 18/09/2026 05:23

What is that saying about not trying to reason with unreasonable people? That.
You won’t be able to please her so don’t try. She sounds jealous and insecure and volatile. Stay out of the decisions and leave to MIL and DH.
Does SIL2 have family of her own? Might be some anxiety on her part about her family moving on without her if she hasn’t managed to achieve what she wants in life.

helloworld88 · 18/09/2026 05:51

Are your DH and SIL2 twins?

HettySunshine · 18/09/2026 06:00

OP and her DH went to uni together and sil is 15 years older so I don’t believe they are twins.

Absolutely do not go. It will give sil2 a chance to be at her very worst and to drag you into it and may well have a negative effect on your relationship with your in laws. Which I would imagine is what sil2 wants.

blondeboobshell · 18/09/2026 06:06

I wouldn’t go. It’s upto your dh/mil/sil if they go. She sounds like she has main character energy. Can you block her? I wouldn’t want to be dealing with that stuff.

Ohthedaffodils · 18/09/2026 06:12

@HettySunshine its sil 1 who is 15 years older not deranged sil 2.

Roselilly36 · 18/09/2026 06:30

Sounds like she is v jealous of you OP, jealous of her mums affection for you and her brothers love for you. I was in a very similar situation. It won’t ever change.

BigBrownBoogyingBear · 18/09/2026 06:46

Is the solution for DH to go on the holiday and you stay at home? I would be fine with this, but I know all relationships are different

ManyATrueWord · 18/09/2026 07:19

Time for the phrase "If someone is going to be miserable, make sure it isn't you."

Phoenix1Arisen · 18/09/2026 07:53

Her 'giving out' to you just proves that you are 100% justified in wanting to keep your distance.

Justmadesourkraut · 18/09/2026 08:32

The holiday doesn't really matter. The relationships do, particularly yours with your mil.

Can you meet up with mil and reassure her that you love her. Explain that you want her birthday weekend to be special for her, and after this phone call, you are sure that it will be unhappy if you go. Mil will need to reassure her dd2 that the weekend will still be special without you.

Then can dh put his big boy pants on and meet with his little sister? She clearly needs therapy, but until she sees that, can he pour oil on troubled waters and listen to her? I suspect he won't be able to reason with her yet. She's in an emotional vortex and feels out of control. But before this becomes a permanent rift, can he thank her for trying to do something special for their mum, and distract her from thinking about you? Make her feel she is still part of the family and chat about organizing something without you?

Sil2 is clearly very insecure. She moved abroad and came back to find herself apparently replaced in the family. It's so sad that she doesn't understand that families can grow and that there's enough love for everyone - it's not a finite resource being stretched by someone new arriving. She isn't going to change overnight, but hopefully you can find a way of coexisting in the long term.

Original poster
Goawayorthrowaway · 18/09/2026 10:46

Thank you all for the replies, appreciate the perspective. Having slept on it I was feeling calmer this morning, but DH is very annoyed and has tried to call SIL2 twice already this morning - no answer yet.

To clear up some confusion; no SIL2 and DH are not twins, she is 4 years older than him. DH is older than me, hence the biggish age gap between me and his sisters.

SIL has a son, she is divorced from his dad unfortunately though so I do think she is jealous of people who are still married. Her DS is a lovely child, he's the same age as my DD1 and they get on very well, so I've often babysat him, had him for sleepovers etc. Our girls don't stay at her house though, which is another point of contention.

Will call MIL later, they are on holiday at the moment though so don't really want to be part of spoiling her time away.

OP posts:
PangolinFriend · 18/09/2026 14:50

She sounds very insecure, probably feeling as if she's been replaced in the family unit while abroad. It may be a good idea for PIL to spend some time alone with her anyway - presumably they love her and want to reassure her of that fact. It may go down well if MIL says she doesn't want a big family do, just a bit of time alone with her younger daughter, blah de blah, and you get a free pass. ;-)

DozyCrow · 18/09/2026 15:01

I wouldn't go. I'd let DH deal with it all otherwise you'll be the one shot down as the messenger. Either let DH go on his own, if he wants to, or get him to decline the offer. He'd be reasonable to say you all won't attend due to her rudeness and aggression towards you on the phone.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 18/09/2026 15:26

Goawayorthrowaway · 18/09/2026 10:46

Thank you all for the replies, appreciate the perspective. Having slept on it I was feeling calmer this morning, but DH is very annoyed and has tried to call SIL2 twice already this morning - no answer yet.

To clear up some confusion; no SIL2 and DH are not twins, she is 4 years older than him. DH is older than me, hence the biggish age gap between me and his sisters.

SIL has a son, she is divorced from his dad unfortunately though so I do think she is jealous of people who are still married. Her DS is a lovely child, he's the same age as my DD1 and they get on very well, so I've often babysat him, had him for sleepovers etc. Our girls don't stay at her house though, which is another point of contention.

Will call MIL later, they are on holiday at the moment though so don't really want to be part of spoiling her time away.

Make it clear to MIL that you will not be going but she should definitely go ahead if that's what she wants, I don't like how they are trying to make you the decision maker here and I especially don't like when parents don't want to stand up to their difficult children so they put pressure on others to go along with it "for peace".

This is a one and done conversation and you should not pick up SIL's calls or respond to her texts going forward aside the one and done "this has nothing to do with me, speak to your brother" and that's it and don't engage.

She sounds like a lot of work and drama that you want to avoid. Goodluck.

Somethinggg · 18/09/2026 15:48

Would DH want to go? Obviously you shouldn't.

BluebellBeth · 18/09/2026 16:34

yanbu. I have a similar sil. She likes to control everyone, gets unhinged if she can't. Send your dh and you stay home.

TheBlueKoala · 18/09/2026 18:19

@Goawayorthrowaway Def don't go! Let your dh go alone if he wants it (doubt it) but stay firm with Mil as well. If she wants to enable her daughter being horrible that's her problem.

Original poster
Goawayorthrowaway · 18/09/2026 19:17

No, DH has zero interest in going, which has nothing to do with me and SIL2s relationship. We tried one big family holiday a few years ago and it was awful - 7 kids there wrecking everyone's heads and bickering, SIL2 drama and her weird boyfriend (now ex thankfully), lots of forced "fun" activities that were completely unsuited to PILs interests... honestly, all of us happily agreed never again!

To be honest I didn't think it was happening, there was minimal response in the family group chat when SIL2 suggested it, and FIL even said something like "oh yeah, my idea of fun NOT!" as she has suggested going somewhere very kid-focused rather than what MIL would choose. Of course, she expects PILs to pay 🙄

I sent MIL a text to apologise that she was upset and just explained the bare bones of the phone call with SIL2. She rang me back and is just feeling very defeated by the drama and nonsense, I think she was a bit embarrassed by it all, which is silly.

To those saying that SIL2 is insecure/feels rejected or replaced - I'm sure you are right BUT she spends loads of time with her family - far more than we do! She works near SIL1's house and sees her most days, visits PIL's house several times a week, MIL regularly minds her DS and SIL1's kids as they all live within 20 minutes of each other. We live an hour away so see PIL a couple of times a month when we visit, and we spent a week at their house in August. DH talks to his mom maybe twice a week on the phone as well, so they're close but not the same as MIL is with her own daughters if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goawayorthrowaway · 18/09/2026 19:22

Anyway SIL2 has not answered or returned DH's call - he rang his other sister just to ask if he had missed something/was there a holiday being organised. SIL1 said no, she thinks it's a rubbish idea and thinks we should all just pay for PIL to have a fancy weekend away by themselves.

She also mentioned that SIL2 has been grumbling a lot about how I never come to see her and often say no to days out - we don't live nearby, I work full time and DH works shifts!

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 18/09/2026 20:58

Goawayorthrowaway · 18/09/2026 19:22

Anyway SIL2 has not answered or returned DH's call - he rang his other sister just to ask if he had missed something/was there a holiday being organised. SIL1 said no, she thinks it's a rubbish idea and thinks we should all just pay for PIL to have a fancy weekend away by themselves.

She also mentioned that SIL2 has been grumbling a lot about how I never come to see her and often say no to days out - we don't live nearby, I work full time and DH works shifts!

Well based on your updates I don't see any se what you need to be concerned or bothered with SIL2, she sounds like a maniac and more importantly all her family members know it so just ignore her and don't engage with her at all.

If you meet at dnsily events say hello and be polite but aside that frankly I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

And I definitely wouldn't be agreeing to day ours with such an idiot.

QueenietheGreat · 18/09/2026 22:01

@Goawayorthrowaway
Don't go
She will have you where she wants you and will just constantly peck at you till the cows come home with MIL (who I think is frightened of her) not having the best of times
Honestly,
I think she's very ill mind-wise
Really just avoid as best you can
Even your husband sees it and
Most rarely notice anything odd/off in the family dynamic usually