AIBU to decide that an indefinite “break” means the friendship is over?
I’m struggling with a friendship that has meant an enormous amount to me for years, and I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable here.
My friend “T” and I used to be extremely close. She is also my daughter’s godmother, and there’s a very specific reason I chose her.
When I was pregnant, I was in a very vulnerable place and seriously questioned whether I should continue the pregnancy. T came with me to my appointment with my gynaecologist and supported me through that period. She helped me work through my doubts and ultimately helped me find the strength to continue the pregnancy.
My daughter is now the best thing that has ever happened to me. So whatever happens between T and me, I will always be grateful for what she did for me then.
But our friendship has changed considerably.
For years, I’ve increasingly felt like T’s emotional dumping ground. Most of our conversations revolve around her ex, “R”, his mother, “H”, and their family drama. Something happens with R, H says something, another argument happens – and I listen.
Eventually I realised that our conversations were rarely about me, or even about our friendship anymore.
There have also been people who warned me about getting this close to T. I ignored them because I wanted to make my own judgement about her.
T has a pattern of cutting people off when she is upset – blocking people, taking distance, and sometimes later coming back or unblocking them while still wanting to know what is happening in their lives.
And now she has asked me for a break.
The reason is what really hurts.
I live in the same village as R. I absolutely dislike R and have nothing to do with him. But T says that because I live there, she considers me part of his “circle” or “orbit” and therefore needs distance from me.
I understand that she is entitled to whatever boundaries she needs regarding R. But being told that I am somehow part of his circle simply because of where I live feels incredibly hurtful, especially after everything we have been through.
And now I’m wondering whether I even want to accept this “break”.
Because what does that actually mean? Do I just wait indefinitely until she decides she wants me back in her life?
Part of me already misses her. I still love her, and I am genuinely grateful for everything she did for me.
But another part of me doesn’t want to be someone’s “maybe later”.
And then there is my daughter.
T is her godmother. If she is going to have a relationship with my daughter, I want that relationship to be stable and reliable. I don’t want my daughter to have someone who is there, disappears, comes back and disappears again depending on what is happening.
So I’m considering making the “break” permanent myself.
Not as punishment. I don’t think everything about T is bad, and I don’t want to erase what she did for me or pretend our friendship meant nothing.
She was incredibly important to me. She was there during one of the most significant moments of my life, and I will always carry that gratitude.
But I also have to look at what our friendship is now, rather than what it used to be.
AIBU to decide that I don’t want to wait around indefinitely and that, if she wants a break, I’m allowed to treat that as the end of the friendship rather than waiting for her to decide whether she wants me back?