AIBU to treat an indefinite friendship break as the end?

I do have an update. T wrote to me after I responded to her message, and I think it gives some important context to the situation. Her message made me realise that I had understood her request for a “break” differently from what she actually meant. For her, it seems to mean taking some time and space because she is currently overwhelmed, not ending our friendship or asking me to wait around for her (maybe that way my trauma triggered)

I still think she s giving my ex village an orbit a bit too much importance but… here s what she wrote.

Hi,
I think you understood my message on a level that I didn’t mean it at all. I wasn’t lumping you in with anyone else. That’s exactly why I explicitly said that you hadn’t done anything wrong and that I care about you all.
My withdrawal isn’t directed at you as a person, nor is it directed at our friendship. The place I’m currently associated with and everything connected to it is triggering a lot in me. My mind and body are completely overwhelmed at the moment. I’m struggling with severe anxiety and panic, and I therefore need to distance myself from anything that currently triggers those thoughts and feelings in me.
This also has nothing to do with talking about someone or receiving information about them through you. The fact that you’re from there and, understandably, still have your own connections and life there is not a blame or accusation against you. It’s simply something I’m currently not able to cope with from a health perspective because it reminds me of other things, and because recent events and things other people have done have made it worse.
I can understand that my withdrawal hurts you and that you miss me. But I find it difficult that my request for some time has now turned into a fundamental question about my reliability and that even my role as a godmother has been brought into it. I’m not disappearing from her life, and I haven’t ended our friendship. I said that I currently can’t breathe anymore and need some distance — not that you or she don’t matter to me or that I don’t want you in my life. 😘
You obviously don’t have to “stand still” while I take this time. I would never ask or expect that of you. I simply wanted some space so that my mind and body can calm down again, without that immediately being given a final meaning for our friendship.
You are important to me, and that’s precisely why I don’t want there to be an interpretation between us that has nothing to do with what I actually meant. I hope you can see my boundary not as a rejection of you as a person, but for what it is: an attempt to stabilise myself health-wise right now.
I’ve been in hospital since Thursday. After what happened with someone close to this situation, despite everything they know, and because of a few other things that happened, I vomited blood during the night and ended up in hospital. I’ve even forbidden anyone other than my parents from visiting me or being given any information about me, because I need some peace and quiet.
Normally I wouldn’t even be replying to these messages right now, but I want this to show you that I’m not saying goodbye to you. I’m asking for time.
That’s also why I didn’t go to the wedding (R cousin) today, so cancelling it ended up being unnecessary. On the one hand, I’m glad about that because it made things easier for me. On the other hand, I’m sure people will turn it into something like, “See? Karma works,” or some other disgusting bullshit.
Writing this long message is genuinely exhausting for me right now, and I’m asking you to simply trust me and give me some time.
I’ll bring the birthday present over in the next few days when I’m feeling a bit stronger. 😘

Reading this, I can see that I may have reacted from a place of hurt and fear of losing her rather than from what she was actually trying to communicate. I still find the idea of a “break” difficult because it’s not something I really understand or believe in when it comes to friendships. But I also don’t want to punish her for needing space, especially knowing what she is currently dealing with.

Yeah, exactly. I think that’s what I’m struggling with. She can take the break she wants, but that doesn’t mean I’ll still be standing in the exact same place whenever she decides she’s ready to come back. I’m allowed to move on too.

I think you might be right. The distance itself may actually be good for me. I’ve been so caught up in trying to understand and fix the friendship that I haven’t really stopped to ask whether I actually want this dynamic in my life anymore.

Yeah. That’s in my head too. I just hope I am not getting soft as that is me typically. Always give second chances. Always care too much for others…

Yeah, that’s a big point for me. I don’t really believe in “friendship breaks” either. To me, if someone wants to step away from a friendship, that means the friendship is over — not that I’m supposed to wait around until they decide they’re ready to come back. That’s why I’ve been thinking about treating this as permanent on my side too.

Thinking about doing that when she wants to come back but I always care too much. Am I being too hard? And stuff like that….

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the “tick the box” part. 😂 I think I do need the clarity of knowing that this is actually the end rather than sitting in some weird limbo where she might come back whenever she feels ready.
I’ve been exhausted by the dynamic for quite a while, especially the constant R/H drama. So perhaps this is just the point where we both acknowledge that the friendship has run its course.
I don’t need a dramatic ending. I think I’d rather just quietly step back and move on. Eventhough I ll miss her a lot.

I think you’re right. I don’t want to make the godmother role into another point of conflict or use it to pressure her in any way. My daughter actually has two other wonderful godmothers who are very present in her life, so I’m not worried about her lacking that kind of relationship.
I think what makes this so difficult for me is that T was such an important person to me when I was pregnant, and she helped me through something that changed my entire life. I can be grateful for that forever without owing her a place in my life indefinitely.
So I think I’m going to take her request for a break at face value and step back too. I don’t want to sit around waiting for her to decide whether she wants me back.

I think you’re right. I probably have been putting too much weight on the godmother aspect because of how significant T was to me when I was pregnant. It’s not that I think my daughter needs her specifically — she has two other wonderful godmothers who are very present in her life.
I think what hurts is more the contrast between how important T was to me and how easily she can now put our relationship on hold. But you’re right that I shouldn’t let the godmother role keep me waiting for her.
I think I’m going to treat this as the natural end of the friendship rather than waiting around for her to decide whether she wants me back. I can still be grateful for what she once meant to me without keeping myself on the long finger.

I think you’re right about the “running out of juice” part. I’m honestly exhausted from being the person who listens to all the drama surrounding R and H, while my own needs in the friendship have gradually disappeared.
And I think you’re also right that I shouldn’t get pulled further into her drama now. I don’t want to justify myself to everyone or keep analysing her reasons. She asked for distance, and I’m going to respect that — but I’m also going to use that distance for myself.
I’m not angry that she needs space. I just don’t want to be on standby until she decides she wants me back. If she contacts me again, I can be kind without pretending that nothing has changed.
And honestly, the thought that I might finally get some peace from the constant R/H drama is probably a good thing for me too

I think you’re right about the “running out of juice” part. I’m honestly exhausted from being the person who listens to all the drama surrounding R and H, while my own needs in the friendship have gradually disappeared.
And I think you’re also right that I shouldn’t get pulled further into her drama now. I don’t want to justify myself to everyone or keep analysing her reasons. She asked for distance, and I’m going to respect that — but I’m also going to use that distance for myself.
I’m not angry that she needs space. I just don’t want to be on standby until she decides she wants me back. If she contacts me again, I can be kind without pretending that nothing has changed.
And honestly, the thought that I might finally get some peace from the constant R/H drama is probably a good thing for me too. 😂

He is connected to my uncle yes, but he isn’t part of my social circle. He’s my uncle’s best friend, not mine. I don’t choose to spend time with him and I have repeatedly asked T to keep him out of our friendship. The Christmas situation was actually one of the reasons I needed that boundary so strongly. If it was for me alone he‘d never be there. Cause he’s not just a narcissist person but also misogynistic, supports violence against women, and has said that “even a child doesn’t come to any harm from a smack.”

I do agree with you that friends should step up when someone is struggling. I did that for a very long time (over two years now daily.) The problem is that this hasn’t been a short-term issue. R has been a huge part of our friendship for years, and I’ve repeatedly tried to set boundaries around that. So I’m not considering stepping back because she’s having a difficult time now. Especially when she was the one wanting the break. I’m considering it because the friendship itself has become unhealthy for me. If we can call it friendship bc when I needed her for a psychological problem (being harassed at work) she wasn’t there or she was but we endet up discussing R.