Funny jokes needed

I only have the one joke which I trot out all the time…

How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene

A man has fainted on the ferris wheel at the funfair this morning. Paramedics say he's just coming round.

Why did little Mary fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Not Mary 🤣

I lost my job at the factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmos, after a lot of angry customer complaints.
It turns out that I'd misheard when the supervisor had actually told me to "Give each toy two test tickles before sending it for dispatch".

I've got 12 children, which surprises a lot of people when they see me out with them at the park. Every time somebody asks if they're all mine, I tell them "No, I work for a condom manufacturer - these are customer complaints!"

The word 'arachnophobia' means a fear of anything with 8 legs - such as spiders, scorpions or ABBA.

Two oranges walk into a bar. One says to the other, “you’re round.”

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony (ToeKnee)

I put my hoover on eBay, it was only gathering dust

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the swimming pool?

They couldn't keep their trunks up.

How much did Santa's sleigh cost?
Nothing, it's on the house.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws

Why can't Christmas Trees knit?
They keep dropping their needles.

What happened to the man arrested for stealing a calendar?
He got 12 months.

Two scousers going on a date and the guy is considering taking her to a vegan restaurant.
"Do you like avocado?" he asks her.
"No," she says, "I don't drive."

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pump-kin

What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

My new girlfriend told me a small willy isn't a big problem in a loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.

Man went into a builder's merchant and asked for some pieces of 4 by 2. The merchant asked him how long he wanted them and he said " Oh ages, I'm building a shed."

What do you call Postman Pat once he retires?

Pat

How many right wing politicians will it take to change a light bulb? None, the free market forces will handle it?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish!

How many premenstrual women does it take to change a light bulb? DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING??? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

A man wearing an expensive suit is crying in a forest when he mets an old hag. When she asks why he is crying he explains that he has embezled his company and is about to be arrested and when his wife finds out she will divorce him. The old hag declares that it is his lucky day as she is a witch and can make everything go away. She says some magic words and declare that his problem is now over.
He expresses his gratitude and asks if he can do anything for her in return to which she replies that she hasn't had sex for years. So they do the deed. After that he asks for reassurance: 'So when I go home everything will be fine?". She raises herself up on one elbow to look at him and says: "Aren't you a bit too old to believe in witches?"

How do you know that your elephant is hiding under your bed? Your nose is touching the ceiling.

How does the elephants get up in the trees? They hide inside a nut and wait for a squirrel?

How does an elephant get down from a tree? They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

Why do beavers have flat tails? They are in the forests in the autumn.

Why are pygmies small? They hunt beavers in the autumn.

Why is it dangerous to be in the forest in the afternoon? That is when the elephants practice parachuting.

And finally ( and I do apologize for this one): How do you know that your elephant has its period? Your madras is gone.

😅

Ok. (Settles down because it’s a long un!)

A man is in the desert. He’s getting hotter and hotter and soon realises he’s out of water and there’s nobody else around. He stumbles on and comes across a man in a suit.
’sir, I’m sorry but I was wondering if I could have a single glass of water?’
The man looks on him, seemingly pityingy (is this a word?!) and says ‘sorry, I have no water left, but would you like a tie?’ He holds up an assortment of business ties.
The man says no and crawls on. He gones across another man.
’oh god, thank god!’ he says. ‘Please help me, a drop of water, even, anything! I’m afraid I’m going to die’
The man pulled out ties again. The desert walker couldn’t believe it. ‘What? Why? Why all the times? I’m dying, please?’
but there was nothing until some time later when the man was so sore and parched he was sure it was better to give up. And then he saw it- a giant hotel with swimming pool, palm trees, people drinking cocktails. A man waited by the gate.
’oh please, please, please let me in, I just want any drink, and to feel the cool water.’
The man looked him up and down. ‘ of course sir, of course I’ll let you in. Just before you come in, we have something of a dress code. Have you got a tie?!’

What do you call a fly with no legs?
A walk.

How do you make an octopus laugh?
Give it ten tickles

Why should you never play hide-and-seek in a hospital? Because they always find you in the ICU

A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition has been described as stable.

Person: "Sorry to bother you, but what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?" Stranger: "Oh, just go stand in the middle of the road."

What’s ET short for?

cos he’s got little legs

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you call a fish with no eyes
Fsh

What do you call a dog with no ears
Anything you like, he can't hear you.

What do you call a gorilla with a machete
Sir

What do you call a blind dinosaur
Doyouthinkhesaurus

What do you call a woman with no arms?

Sally.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Not Sally.