Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset friend I am gutted.

124 replies

Highfivemum · 17/09/2026 19:57

A bit of advice please as beginning to doubt myself. I have no relationship with any family except my DB. complicated and very hard childhood but me and DB are happy now and both in a good place. However we were contacted by a family member a few years ago. ( who we didn’t known but had done an online DNA test ). We both choose to ignore this person. Too much has happened and too many awful memories to even think about. We are both happy with our choice. However my friend who I would consider my best friend has started discussing our choices with her new partner. No idea why but he is very vocal and Opinionated in my mind and he has convinced her that we are wrong to dismiss a new family member. This has escalated to it becoming our only conversation and this morning I told her if she didn’t drop it she can’t forget our friendship. She has taken it hard. I feel awful. We have been friends for 15 years and it hurts so much. But my childhood was truly traumatic and she is just bringing it all up again. My DB agreed with me as she also was going on at him to. But was I being unreasonable

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
SpryCat · 20/09/2026 17:48

That woman is out for herself, the friendship was always one sided and she has no empathy or consideration for others. I know you are feeling like you have lost a friend but she is a viper. She was never someone you could confide in or would be there for you if you needed her.

MargoisanA1arsehole · 20/09/2026 17:34

No, I’M sorry for thinking that true friends actually respect another’s wishes, and stop harping on about something they’ve been asked to let drop (on more than one occasion, by more than one person) regardless of whatever’s in their heart.
MY bad.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 20/09/2026 16:40

You were not in the wrong. Actually her disclosure to her DP is a wee bit of a betrayal. It is not her buisness what you decide and even less of his.

MammaJ14 · 20/09/2026 11:06

Oh, I am sorry, I didn’t realise you’d been appointed the official spokesperson for what is and isn’t in someone else’s heart who you don't even know. 😂
My Bad.

MargoisanA1arsehole · 20/09/2026 10:39

If it was coming from a place of care, she’d have respected OPs wish to drop it, but she didn’t - even when she had the OP in tears about it.
Thats not what real friends do. Her heart is NOT in the right place - read all of OPs posts.

MammaJ14 · 20/09/2026 10:21

Highfivemum · 17/09/2026 19:57

A bit of advice please as beginning to doubt myself. I have no relationship with any family except my DB. complicated and very hard childhood but me and DB are happy now and both in a good place. However we were contacted by a family member a few years ago. ( who we didn’t known but had done an online DNA test ). We both choose to ignore this person. Too much has happened and too many awful memories to even think about. We are both happy with our choice. However my friend who I would consider my best friend has started discussing our choices with her new partner. No idea why but he is very vocal and Opinionated in my mind and he has convinced her that we are wrong to dismiss a new family member. This has escalated to it becoming our only conversation and this morning I told her if she didn’t drop it she can’t forget our friendship. She has taken it hard. I feel awful. We have been friends for 15 years and it hurts so much. But my childhood was truly traumatic and she is just bringing it all up again. My DB agreed with me as she also was going on at him to. But was I being unreasonable

maybe the delivery could have been softer but she is coming from a place of care and you are coming from a place of abuse. you need to just send her a message and say i am sorry i upset you and i know your heart is in the right place but my family situation is exactly that my family. there are lots of traumatic things that i do not want to revist or open up the past and by letting this person in it would be doing that. you may not understand my reasons but i am asking you to respect them and never bring this matter up again

Original poster
Highfivemum · 20/09/2026 10:14

SpryCat · 19/09/2026 22:30

Did you do the bulk of the friendship for her? Help her when she fell apart and her relationships ended? Some people expect all the help and sympathy but never give it when you need a helping hand or sympathetic ear.

Looking back I probably did. Her relationships are not usually successful and she is always in debt. So yes I have.

OP posts:
Anendlessseriesofunfortunateevents · 20/09/2026 07:33

Im sorry op for all the feelings this has brought up, and that your friendship has come to an end.

Friend seems really bizarre and unreasonable in pushing this issue so much! Why is it even on her mind so much?! Really odd behaviour from her, and very rude and obtuse considering she'd been told already to leave it be.

You sound lovely. Just focus on self care for a wee while, block her on everything and chalk it up to a chapter closing. Not all friends are for life and that's okay.

Sxwer · 20/09/2026 07:24

OP, if you have been a support for her, she will be back at sometime in the future.
Users always try to return.
This is the real her, pure nasty.
Mind yourself.

SpryCat · 19/09/2026 22:30

Did you do the bulk of the friendship for her? Help her when she fell apart and her relationships ended? Some people expect all the help and sympathy but never give it when you need a helping hand or sympathetic ear.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 19/09/2026 22:09

I did write and email saying. That is totally fine and wished her all the best. But then I deleted it as I don’t want her to respond again. I am shocked with her behaviour but have to try and put it behind me. DB is not and wants to email here with a piece of his mind. He is naturally very protective of me considering i became his legal guardian at 18. But I have told him to leave it. Drop the subject and move on. Upset but grateful for the hand hold and opinions

OP posts:
Mugsey62 · 19/09/2026 21:30

Highfivemum · 19/09/2026 18:22

Quick update for anyone who is interested. Had a message this morning from friend saying due to the fact I had not even attempted to apologise our friendship is over. She said a few awful things too which really upset me. How I am cruel and unkind and selfish. How I never respected our friendship and she has wasted 15 years of her life trying so hard and to top it all I am not happy that she is finally happy. No mention of everything I have done for her. Picked her up after falling relationships etc.
I know the friendship is over and I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach
I will just move on

Fuck her. Her problem not yours. Move on.

Ohnobackagain · 19/09/2026 20:45

I’m sorry to hear this @Highfivemum I still wonder if her new chap hasn’t been instrumental in this somewhere and she later might regret her actions …

ReadingSoManyThreads · 19/09/2026 18:39

I'm sorry she's behaved so atrociously. She's making herself out to be the victim - she's not. Whatever influence this new boyfriend has had on her, has changed her. She's not the friend she once was.

Just remember that you've done nothing wrong.

Either don't reply & block her, or reply something simple like "fuck you", or if you want to get things off your chest, something more like "I hadn't apologised to you because I'd done nothing wrong. You were the one pushing a subject that you were repeatedly told to drop. You behaved inappropriately and disrespectfully. You are not the friend you once were sadly. I agree, our friendship is over as I cannot forgive you for how you've treated me and my brother in the last few weeks/months."

Bellyblueboy · 19/09/2026 18:28

I am so sorry this is upsetting you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, she was a very bad friend.

have you replied?

I agree the friendship is over. You couldn’t respect a very clear boundary and showed me no compassion or understanding. It is clear from how you have behaved that you don’t value our friendship, or even particularly like me. So best not to waste our time anymore. I am sorry our friendship ended this way, but clean break seems best.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 19/09/2026 18:22

Quick update for anyone who is interested. Had a message this morning from friend saying due to the fact I had not even attempted to apologise our friendship is over. She said a few awful things too which really upset me. How I am cruel and unkind and selfish. How I never respected our friendship and she has wasted 15 years of her life trying so hard and to top it all I am not happy that she is finally happy. No mention of everything I have done for her. Picked her up after falling relationships etc.
I know the friendship is over and I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach
I will just move on

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · 18/09/2026 22:07

It’s a completely private matter between you and your brother.

She should have never discussed it with anyone else and she certainly should not have brought the subject up. You don’t need a supposedly friend like that in your life.

it’s great you have your brother to support you though all of this OP, that’s the positive from this.

Maray1967 · 18/09/2026 16:24

Highfivemum · 17/09/2026 20:24

She knows the minimum. Obviously not the full details.

Show quote history

Then she is seriously out of order.

I would say nothing, to be honest, because she should be apologising profusely to you.

OnlyUsername · 18/09/2026 16:14

SpryCat · 18/09/2026 10:37

I think she’s been hounding you and your DB on the subject to try to make you crack and tell her all about your traumatic past so she can go and gossip about you to her bf. She is no loss

Agreed. Pure morbid nosiness.

Sxwer · 18/09/2026 16:08

Even if she comes back and backtracks, please do not allow her into life again.

She is toxic and unfortunately you are only now only seeing the real her.

GrantMyWishes · 18/09/2026 15:03

So even though your DB warned her off, she still went ahead and brought it up again, what a BITCH!! Sorry OP, but a person like that is not worth a single tear! She knew what she was doing, and probably enjoyed it, until it backfired on her and you told her where to go, at which point she tried to turn the tables, and instead of her feeling bad, she tried to make out like it was all your fault. Grrrr! Words desert me for a person like that. Move on as quickly as you possibly can, she is NO LOSS to you OP!

Original poster
Highfivemum · 18/09/2026 14:41

Thanks.
long chat with my DB and keeps assuring me that it is her who has caused this not me. He has now told me that he had a word with her after I was in tears. Not bad just to say please leave it as it caused a huge amount of upset at the time. ( she should already be aware as she was around ) he assured her that it was the best for us. She apparently said she wouldn’t. So why she did I have no idea.
He took the day off work today as he knew I was upset and DH was working away. I am not going to reply at all. It is her choice

OP posts:
aterriblefish · 18/09/2026 12:23

Same point - maybe the partner has some personal experience that is driving his interest.

BeUmberMember · 18/09/2026 12:01

aterriblefish · 18/09/2026 11:26

I hate falling out with friends but sometimes they do something (or a pattern of things) and there's just no way back. I have been both the lost relative and your friend in this situation. This makes me wonder if your friend's brother has some other experience of this situation - otherwise it's curious to be so strongly opinionated about this when it's not their business.

In my case I had been the lost sibling who was actively found, then my friend was contacted by a lost sib and decided to have no contact (no other trauma or family difficulties). I was taken aback due to my own experience but would never dream of pushing my friend to do differently. We discussed it a couple of times - after that, we neither of us have mentioned it.

I don't have my DNA on any site for this reason - my family is very complicated and I can't deal with any more of them.

It was OP's friend's partner not brother who was suggesting she should contact the person whose DNA matched hers. OP's own brother supported her choice not to.

ilovesooty · 18/09/2026 11:58

Highfivemum · 17/09/2026 20:33

No not the first time. The last time I had to leave as I was so upset. I am not being dramatic but our childhood was unimaginable and yet she brought it up again.

Show quote history

In which case she is totally at fault. She needed telling. If the friendship dies it's down to her not you.