AIBU to find my friend's behaviour rude and increasingly irritating?

i find weird

1. what he said
2. that you made enough for 4 but (it sounds like) you didnt either portion up for eacg of you or give him a plate and cutlery and place out a serving bowl with the remaining 3 portions.
3. you expected him - having made a big deal to us about how he was your guest - to clear away his plate.

does he seem to have food issues generally?
ever been tested for ADHD?.

Honestly none of this makes much sense.

Did you just invite him over, or did he come over before a larger gathering? And did you invite him over specifically for dinner in advance? Was he under the impression he was just coming over for drinks?

But of course his behaviour was extremely strange regardless and the first thing I thought was eating disorder.

The other thing that leaps out is that you've known him for 13 years. I presume he hasn't always been like this - the weird food behaviour and the noises are new. (I've met people who are prone to doing that sort of noises in conversation... feels like talking to a toddler but some people just are that loud and noisy.) If someone I'd known for ages and was close enough to invite to my house for a one-to-one birthday dinner started acting out of character I wouldn't jump to "rude and irritating", I'd be worried for them and ask if everything was OK.

OP, it’s fucking weird.

Withdraw from the friendship.

His behaviour certainly sounds strange, but there's a couple of things I'm not getting.

He must be a good, close friend for you to invite him over for a birthday meal at yours, just the two of you. Close enough, surely, for you to be able to say something like, "Rob, why are you behaving so weirdly?"

Also, given that you asked him what he wanted to eat, had you not even started any prepping? If I'd been invited to a birthday meal at a close friend's house, I think I'd assume that the meal prep would be well underway at the time of my arrival - then we'd have a catch up over a glass of wine (or whatever), then she'd dish up?
I'd probably be a bit surprised to find that nothing had been started, and she hadn't even decided what she was cooking.

So maybe he'd found your behaviour strange to begin with?

What? Just because you’d approach it differently doesn’t mean there was anything wrong with OP asking him what he’d like her to make 🤷‍♀️ in your situation the end up would be the same anyway, ie him scoffing the leftovers.

If someone said they'd eat what I left behind I'd laugh and say 'don't be silly I'm not giving you my leftovers. Do you want a sandwich/plate of stew/pheasant carpaccio or not?'
It's a weird thing for him to say but weirder that you actually did it.

Does he have ADHD?

I wouldn't have given him my plate, gross

This is definitely not normal behaviour and I'd echo other PP's observations that he may be having a MH crisis of some sort. But, were I in your situation with the meal, no matter how insistent/assertive/aggressive he was about not wanting a plate, I would have been equally insistent that I could not possibly eat while someone else was just watching and not joining me. I would also say that I was very uncomfortable about allowing someone to eat from my plate. So if I had done as you did, I either would not leave anything for him to eat, or jump up when I'd finished and throw my leftovers in the bin before he could eat them. I could not continue fostering such a friendship with someone who is clearly not behaving in a socially acceptable way.

He'd have gone hungry at ours. I'm not in the habit of cooking more than we'll eat. He's trying to be endearing or funny or something and he's missing the mark. Any chance he may fancy you? He's a massive attention seeker with little respect for your other friend and some very odd ways.

Has another friend told him off saying “I often give you a meal but you never reciprocate” or similar?

So he wants food but is determined that afterwards he will be able say “You didn’t give me a meal, I just had your leftovers”?

I have a family member with a communication disorder and that would be their logic. They always grab anything that’s on offer but aren’t capable/willing to reciprocate so sometime get tangled up when they are called out.

A woman i know does the noise thing. She has ASD(does your friend?), I think for her it is almost a form of echolilia? Singularly, if someone's 'phone makes a noise or a microwave pings etc she'll make a similar noise.
Regarding the food as a pp said, it can be quite a difficult position to be put in when asked the open question 'what do you want?'. Once he'd said he'd have the leftovers I'd have said 'okay I'm making X, will make you some too, is that okay?' I am sure if it was something he despised he'd speak up. Sounds like a misplaced attempt to be polite.

He sounds like he has special needs tbh. Is this the case?

I would say "I'm only going to serve myself the amount that I'll eat, so there won't be anything left". I don't understand why there was so much left on your plate, haha.

I’d have given him my plate after a few bites/when he asked and then 2 mins later got myself another plate. And felt I won!

Has he always been like this ?? It all sounds a bit off mentally......if this is a sudden change ge in behavior then it might be worth asking his friends and any family if they've noticed any changes too.

Yeah and do you know what - some of them choose not to fit in with the social rules we follow. He sounds like an incredibly selfish weirdo.

Surely you must have noticed his weirdness before now?? This can’t be all-new?

When I was flat-sharing in London in my mid-twenties I had a friend from school over for dinner as she was living in London, too. She was so strange that evening that I never saw her again. She had always been slightly odd, but in an endearing way. Last I heard, she’d disappeared and was a missing person. Turned out that she was fine, she’d just dumped her parents without bothering to inform them.

In terms of how she was strange that evening, it’s difficult to describe and was 25 years ago. Just odd inflections, weird speech patterns, pressured speech. Now I recognise it as mental health issues, I guess they were, but I didn’t realise back then.

All this is to say, a friend who was once endearingly eccentric can cross the line into being mentally ill. And that’s hard to cope with as a friend. At least with a family member or spouse you can get them into treatment.

No i coukdnt cope with that. He sounds about 16 or very socially inept and/or on the ASD spectrum , yeah, i know...

I think I’d bring up the food thing before there’s a next time. Say to him ‘I want to be a good host, but you also have to be a good guest. If I invite you for dinner and you accept, don’t be a bad guest.’

The noise thing, just say ‘why the sound effects, you big weirdo?!?’ and continue like nothing happened.

You could just say “no” when he asks for, or reaches for your plate, and tell him it makes you uncomfortable if he queries it. You could then suggest his own plate again.
The noises (and the above) sound like immaturity or he struggles to navigate social conventions.

He's just getting on your tits isn't he ? Take a step back . Sounds like an attention seeking diva but that's not new is it ?

Strange behaviour. I would of ate everything on my plate and when he asked half way through if I was done I’d say no