AIBU for taking our young children home before the wedding meal?

And why can’t she enjoy spending a few hours without her children?

We all know that if the children stay at the wedding it will be @Emma198800 who is running around after them, making sure they don’t trip up the servers , pull the flower arrangements and table settings to bits,shout out during the speeches, spill juice over someone’s expensive wedding outfit, then finding them something they like to eat, eating her own meal with one child on her lap while helping the other, carrying around the nappy bag, keeping them entertained with no other resources than some paper napkins and some wedding favours. It will be @Emma198800 who is on the end of the snide remarks and dirty looks from people who her children are annoying, she will be the default bad parent. Her OH will be off with the wedding party, enjoying being best man while poor Emma is playing nanny in an expensive outfit that isn’t being improved by sticky finger marks.

Heaven forbid that she should actually expect to enjoy the wedding having got herself ready, wrestled two kids into new clothes , made her way to the wedding venue, kept the kids quiet during the ceremony, kept them happy during the long boring photo sessions!

No, now she has to gird up her loins and deal with the rest of the day, starting with the realisation that no one has thought to provide a high chair for the baby…….

My children were that age at my own wedding, and there were siblings and cousins with children ranging between 6 months and about 8 years old. It was wonderful having all the family kids there (we'd said no to non family children due to room and cost, my husbands best mans babysitter fell through so we squeezed his kids in) I did them a little party bag basically, so they had food/snacks to keep them going before the big meal, plus a little toy - banana, crisps, penguin bar. Everyone got on fine, my cousins were absolutely marvellous watching my 2 year old run around (even changed his nappy!) while the main photos were being taken. It was a wonderful family event and as far as I know everyone had a wonderful time and the kids were a wonderful and memorable addition to the day, yes a bit messy and exhausting, but that's what life is like with kids that age. They also made some wonderful photos!

I think you are being a bit precious, there will loads of people there, immediate family members, that can help out, it's a family event not a parents date night.

Only odd bit though is why do they want them to leave after the meal?

How much notice did you give them that the kids won't be there? If the wedding is this weekend and they've only just found out then they'll have paid for their meals and their names will be on the seating plan etc.
If you let them know months ago and RSVPd that they won't be there then fine but if you've changed your name last minute I think it's a bit unreasonable

They are being ridiculous and clearly have no idea of the reality of a 1 and 3 year old at a wedding. Your arrangement is perfect. No babies or toddlers actually “need” to be at a wedding. They’ll be in the photos, job done

My two kids went to my sisters wedding and also a good friend’s wedding at roughly that age. They both sat through the ceremony and meal but I took them to nearby babysitter after the meal. I think this was a good compromise. Make sure you have sticker books or colouring books to keep them occupied.

If everyone is so keen to have them there then id say fine as long as at least 1 of them is sat at top table with dh and grandparents to wrangle between them during the meal.

The family have said they should be collected for the evening. OP just doesn't want to wrangle them during the meal, and I don't blame her

As best man I assume DH won't be anywhere near the DC during the meal, if there is a top table. It's not like OP is saying the children won't be there at all, just for part of it, before the alcohol starts flowing, and it looks like the family don't want the children there for the whole thing as they were going to be collected after the meal. so no skidding on the dance floor. How many 3 years enjoy a 2 to 3 hour meal and grown up chat.

Well not really. Why should he put what you want above what his parents, the extended family, the bride and groom, likely the kids themselves, and what it sounds like what he himself wants?

If it was a friend's wedding I'd be all for leaving them at home and letting my hair down but its a family wedding.

Its not even as if anyone is suggesting they'll stay all night, you'll still have plenty of time to do your own thing.

Also its very late to suddenly be saying they wont stay for food when it will all be paid for! They could have invited other friends if they'd known your kids wouldnt be staying.

Would your sister be willing ti hang around and take them outside (if there's a garden or hotel room or anything) if they get bored during the speeches to run around/watch tv. Then they can come back for half an hour, and say bye to everyone. Win for her as well as she'll have them for less time on here own and they'll likely be a bit more tired out.

I think your view on it is a bit odd, it’s not your wedding or family event, it’s your husbands family so in this case their needs and wants would obviously come first unless very unreasonable.

So it’s all about you and how you want to spend the evening?
You want adults only time ehh?

But its not your day and from what you say there are many there that will help out, inc your bil. The fact your husband wants them there should sway it completely, its his family.

Aww let them stay, everyone wants them there and they’ll have a great time getting all that attention, skidding around on the dance floor etc.

I think you are being unreasonable. It’s a family occasion and your kids are part of the family. So many people post on here complaining that their kids are not invited to weddings!
Presumably the whole of your DH’s family will be there to help with looking after them. The kids will have a great time and so will you.

How much will a 1 and 3yo enjoy speeches and a long meal.

One wedding I went to we had a family with young children on our table (we didn't know them). Children had a kid's meal which was served even before our meal had arrived. They had finished their meal before our food arrived The parents had to then tag team during the whole of the meal and speeches, whilst the DC played outside. Maybe OP wants to enjoy a meal without having to look after young DC, which I assume is probably a rare event for her.

A friend I was sitting with had left her DC at home with GPs (I was childfree then). She said she was so grateful she had done that and was able to relax and enjoy the meal etc.

I would personally keep them there. I've done the same with DH being best man, it's not a relaxing day but that's just how some things are. Make sure they sit you near family members that will actually be helpful.

I don't blame you at all. Even having my older children at a wedding was a fucking nightmare. There were four tiny bridesmaids including my two, aged 4 to 8.

There was zero entertainment or childcare provided, so it was painful. If you have a childcare option, take it.

It's not your wedding, surely the enjoyment of the bride and groom trumps your enjoyment?
ETA I'd want my nephew at my wedding more than I'd want my SIL there, if my SIL did this I'd be tempted to tell her to not bother coming as her invite was based on her being the mother of my nephew.

Why don't you enjoy spending time with your own children?

In this instance as its a big family event, I would keep them there and ensure there are some grandparents, aunties, uncles and the like who can keep an eye for a time.

My DGC loved being at a family wedding - being fussed over by extended family and older cousins to play with.

I would have done what the wedding couple want. My nephew was 2.5 at my wedding. He was meant to be picked up before dinner but his dad didn’t turn up (🙄) and he was fine. The life of the party in fact.

FFS of course it’s better that kids that young can be taken home before a long boring dinner and speeches if you have that option.

You say “I just want to be able to enjoy my day too” - rather than “we” want to. Would you husband leave all the childcare to you, leaving you unable to enjoy your meal at all? I think keeping children at a wedding meal only works if at the very least both parents are fully sharing looking after them, but better if the whole family are taking part and passing them round etc

Are they going to be the ones running around after screeching toddlers who can’t sit still for the hours of wedding feast and speeches ? No? Then they get zero say. Yanbu.