Being offended by being left on read after sex

Stop kidding yourself that you don't want a relationship

I wish women would stop agreeing to be a FWB. It devalues your worth. It's a win/win for the guy - now he gets to shag you without even having to take you on a date, or reply to any messages.

You took it from sec and friendship to full blown romantic love type scenario by your text. Maybe he wants to back away as he’s been clear he didn’t want that, now all of t sudden you come with gushy romantic texts. This is on you. Either you want to be friends with occasional sex or you want a relationship, you are mixing signals.

You dont suit what you think you do - FWB isnt for you. When i had it many years ago - we were cordial but never, ever chatty. He was not there for chat and neither was i. It was just to shag, and thats it. Polite message after with no love heart or bed smells of you - thats not FWB. We are still in touch to this day (im married now) - birthdays and christmas messages to see how each other are etc - but never ever more.

He probably read the message and thought OMG this woman is catching feelings.
and didn’t know how to respond.
maybe a fwb situationship isn’t for you ? No judgement here -it would be for me either!

This. Sometimes I don't read messages for a whole day. I'm busy. Occasionally I leave my phone at home. I couldn't cope with your expectations either OP.

Relax. It's not serious.

Hi @Lollipop7654 I think perhaps you aren't ready for a casual no strings relationship. These types of relationships are hard and it sounds like you need reassurance and more commitment.

You have sent him quite an intimate romantic message ... followed by a "cut off" type of message. IF I were him, i would see you as too problematic a person to be involved with whilst i was healing from a divorce.

Tough on you though and there is nothing wrong with not being able to handle a friends with benefits type of relationship xx

I agree that sending him messages saying the bed smells of him has probably freaked him out. Its too much too soon and it directly contradicts what you have said about not wanting a relationship.

To be honest it doesn’t sound as if either of you is ready for a relationship: you don’t sound ready for genuine no strings casual sex.

I think you need to get more used to being single and happy before you jump into anything.

This is really unfair. He has explicitly said he doesn’t want a relationship and OP assured him she didn’t either. I’m not surprised he’s a bit nonplussed at then receiving a message about cuddles and bed smells!

He’s probably ignored it because it’s difficult to know how to respond to that in a FWB situation. It really comes across that OP is kidding herself that friendship and no strings sex is really what she wants from this. Feeling hurt and offended at his lack of response to a single text suggests she doesn’t have a thick enough skin or enough emotional distance to deal with this kind of set up. It’s not for everyone.

I suspect the message was just a bit intense for something that sounds pretty casual.

Blimey!!

So he didn't respond to one message (despite being affectionate before he left) and then you sent him another message cancelling plans and saying you didn't want to chat (although technically he was already "ignoring" you so you weren't actually chatting?)

Way, way too full on.

How long between "bed smells of you" message and the "not in the mood for chatting" message?

That’s a massive over reaction. How about ‘hey are you ok, not heard from you?’ Instead of cancelling plans? If a bloke did that to me I’d see that as a massive red flag and a start of a controlling relationship.

That’s fair, I just meant that you never know where things might go and can only respond to what you have in front of you at the time

He messaged you afterwards. The conversation has to stop somewhere

He did say he didn't want a relationship
It was sex

I feel for you completely, because sex makes us vulnerable. I would feel the same way.

but I voted YABU because he was clear that he didn’t want a relationship.

You have robbed yourself with this strop. Relax, or you will find it hard to get a new relationship going.

Exactly - it is a bit much to text that after a FWB. And even worse to now be sulking. It’s not a relationship.

Bless you, you sound like you have a bit of an anxious attachment style.

Cancelling plans because he didn’t give you what you wanted is protest behaviour, that’s definitely a sign you are invested in the relationship.

I think you should focus on what you want and getting your own needs met as I don’t think a FWB situation will fulfil you.

I also wonder if someone you know from your people facing job (not sure what this means but reading between the lines do you work somewhere and he’s a regular customer?) and whose family you know is the right choice for a FBW situation?

I’ve never had a FWB but assumed it’s maybe someone you meet on a dating site or at a club or something but not someone who is part of your actual life? I think that might be muddying the waters a bit, too.

I think in your shoes I’d use this experience to reflect on what I really want and maybe consider dating properly?

Your final message to him contradicts occasional date and sex once in a blue moon. You’re crossing over to relationship that he’s explicably said he doesn’t want.

Yeah men usually know very early on if they're attracted on an emotional/romantic level.
Because that's what actually separates a fwb from a relationship: emotional/romantic attraction.

Saying it's about commitment is just a coping mechanism.

Most people have no idea what will happen in an actual relationship: it's about seeing where things lead.

The difference is that the emotional/romantic bits are present in a relationship that are not in a fwb.

That's just harsh reality.

They may suit older women who are divorced with grown up children for whom a fwb is effectively a boyfriend where it's clear there'll be no moving in/marriage/ children

That’s not a FWB though, that’s a boyfriend/ life partner. It’s not the living together/ children that make it a relationship as opposed to FWB, it’s the commitment and depth of emotionally involvement. People who are in relationships but choose to live apart can and do still have exclusive, fully committed and fully emotionally connected relationships. FWB does not have any of that.

He’s no idea what he wants at this point

He knows exactly what he wants and he told OP so, clearly and honestly becore they had sex. She should believe him. And understand what that means for her.

Fwb are a bad idea for a lot of women.

They may suit older women who are divorced with grown up children for whom a fwb is effectively a boyfriend where it's clear there'll be no moving in/marriage/ children.

It doesn't suit a lot women, though.

Repeatedly having sex with and doing relationship type activity like going for meals etc without actually being in a relationship can really mess with their heads.

The man here had a shag and probably had no great desire to be all romantic and cuddly about it all.

Oxytocin is released in women during sex but not men.

So I don't blame the OP for being a bit neurotic about this.

This is not an attack on casual sex as these are pretty clear cut situations.

I think pp was right when she said FWB are harder work than actual relationships. Very few women I think have the personality for them. It’s hard emotional labour to keep yourself in the right place. You know how social workers and counselors and such like have to be empathetic enough to care for their clients but not so emotionally involved their clients’ problems emotionally affect them out of work? That’s the tight rope you need to walk.

it means he wants a bit of companionship, someone to go out with occasionally and sex. But he doesn’t want to have to meet any expectations, be held to account, or for you to get emotionally involved. It also means he can date and have sex with other women. You have no claim on him.

Married people’s ’dating’ sites ( ie affair sites) have plenty of divorced men looking for married women because they want the fun of sex and dates without any commitment. That’s the box your friend has you in.

It’s very clear from your post that you don’t have the personality or temperament for this. Some people can separate sex from emotion and others can’t. It’s clear you can’t. I think if you continue with this it will be a complete headfuck for you.