Hi everyone, thanks for the comments and advice. I should have clarified, “croissant gate” was not the only incident (but lol at the name, I needed a good laugh!).
Too many incidents throughout my life to mention but to give one concrete recent example, the reason I’m a single mum is that ex-DH went out drinking constantly while I was pregnant, clubbing until 7am, rolling in wasted and pissing in our bedroom. He also visited sex workers and constructed an STD (real nice guy). Anyway, during a discussion that turned into an argument a few months ago where I tried to tell my mother that she isn’t always right, that I don’t feel safe around her and that she is overly critical of me, she told me I deserved the behaviour from ex DH and she didn’t blame him because I’m such a nightmare. I’m afraid I shit you not, these words were spoken to me and I lessened my contact greatly with her after that.
This holiday was an attempt to have nice family time with my parents and DD, who adores my dad especially. During the holiday my mother took every opportunity to criticise my parenting. When I would reply that I must have learned these behaviours from somewhere and cited specific examples, she accused me of false memories, something she has accused me as my brother of for years.
I did indeed leave the holiday and am glad I did so. As I walked out she screamed that I can dish it out but can’t take it (irony). That I am like her abusive older sister. That next time I should go on holiday with my partner and see how he likes putting up with me. And finally, as I walking out the door when 2 year old DD, she screamed “bitch bitch bitch” repeatedly until the door shut.
When I got home I called my brother who lives near me. He suffered a lot of physical abuse from her when he was a child, but I also get that it was the early 80s, my brother had undiagnosed ADHD and in those days it was a “spare the rod spoil the child” mentality. But we both agreed we are hyper critical of ourselves, anxious, easily manipulated and and bossed around and feel responsible for our mother’s emotions and deeply guilty at any action we feel she might disapprove of.
This is the context to my decision. I have been in therapy steadily since my marriage broke down with DD was 10 weeks old and this and becoming a mum has opened my eyes. My mother isn’t all bad, no one is. But I cannot tolerate this behaviour, allow it to be modelled in front of my daughter or allow the anxiety continue to overwhelm my nervous system. So I am deciding to step back.
Thanks all again, and for those who have had similar or worse situations, I hope you find or continue to find peace.