AIBU to refuse family use of our home for holidays?

@SayingNoToFamily You need to set boundaries now. Understand they are being selfish and not considering you, they have ridden the gravy train for years and now it has ended, sad for them but you have been exceptionally generous so feel no guilt. Of course you will as you sound a very generous couple but do not offer a few days beach holiday in the future, you are creating a precedent, that will be the undoing of you. It is your home not a holiday let.

I would say something along the lines of

"We know this is an issue that often arises for people who have homes in or near holiday destinations so we’ve talked about it and we’re not able to offer the house for holidays. We allowed family free use of our holiday home for many years, and whilst it is sad that has now ended, we all walked away with many happy memories.

This is our private family home not holiday accommodation. We would not be comfortable with guests staying on that basis. If we said yes to you, others would eventually follow and its too much for us so we are not going down that path.

We’re happy to have you visit as family for a few days when we’re here, but the house isn’t available for holiday use."

It might seem harsh but if not, otherwise any practical objections you raise will be challenged, i.e we don't have time to prepare the house for you when we are juggling packing etc - they will retort, no worries we will take it as we find it. And then you will find it hard to say (as you have already proven in your thread), that you don't want to come home to someone elses mess that you have to clear up or for someone to have free rein of your private and personal possessions.

And if you really want to cop out, tell them "Also, our household insurance doesn’t cover everything if people stay while we’re away - so it’s not something we can offer"

Stand your ground.

Your DH says it's not fair your family come to stay but not his, so make a hard and fast rule for both sides then there's no favouritism. No one uses the house when your not there and stays are by invitation only.
@Firefly100 is so right, the most important thing is to break the idea you're their holiday provider straight away or this will go on for years. If your DH still waivers you need a list of the downsides_ mess, expense, lack of privacy. Plus his siblings will expect to visit every school holiday, that's way, way to much

I do think the op should say no bit isnt it their house not just the op?

Imagine if a man starting demanded something of a woman's siblings and said ot was his house

Unless the house is actually just the ops ?

We are all different. .I couldn't allow this to happen. What about personal items, personal documents and all other things that make a house a home. I am so particular about cleaning, even down to polishing my.oven after I use it (yes, I know!). It wouldn't smell like my house should or feel the same. Someone else sleeping in our bed. I would be on edge all the time I was away. My husband knows me so well and would never entertain such a suggestion. You should be your husband's concern, not his siblings.

You have a husband problem if he overrides you on this in YOUR house!!! Get in there first and tell sil no and make it clear it’s not an option and she needs to book a holiday and pay for it like everyone else does!!

Don’t use the excuse of “oh we are so messy”. They will just say “oh we don’t mind!”

Your DH will just have to grow a pair and say “ sorry that doesn’t work for us”. Repeat ad nauseam.

This would be a tiny proportion of the overall costs of property though. And presumably OP's in laws were sharing the cost given they owned half the property. Not sure why OP is claiming it was all on her and her husband.

I do think the siblings should have offered a contribution to cover their stay but I also think it's ridiculous to allow this arrangement for 20 years if you aren't happy with it.

Just reply to their request with “my home isn’t an Airbnb!!!”

I dunno. We are aiming for at least a week of crossover so that we can be there together for a bit. The house will be full. People will have to sleep on sofas, possibly even the floor.

I suspect that posters here would think that I'm a cheeky fucker, ruining their holiday, and why don't I just piss off etc. etc.

This sounds really sweet and with a lot of respect and love shared between your families and it works for you. In the OP’s case it just seems to be thankless and a drain on them rather than a joy with no reciprocal offers for them, not even the most basic of courtesies which are to leave the home as they found it.

Unfortunately as evidenced by some PP, people are happy to take.
I know a family who hop all over friends and family during the holidays, whilst they rent their own home out.

They stay for free, always leaving a trail behind them whilst making money out of it.
One family said no this summer so they imposed themselves on his mum's house for 4 weeks, then two weeks at an aunt's house.

My ex sister in law used to do this to us. The minute we mentioned going ANYWHERE she’d want to use our house. Drove me wild for reasons you mention. Plus generally she was manipulative and always got what she wanted. I effectively stopped it by always having builders in when ever she suggested it. Pain in the arse.

She now does it to my ex but he doesn’t mind so much as she cleans his filthy house 🤣

Now is the time to nip this in the bud. They need to pay for their own holidays.

@Ablondiebutagoody yeah right course you would (Not)
they have sponged off the OP for years and now expect to use their home because they don’t want to pay for a holiday

She is a total cf. She thinks that her and her family can stay in your family home for free when you're away.

You need to tell your husband that this house is your family home. You not going to let her stay when you're away on holidays because you not willing to clean the house up before she comes, pack things away and then have to do a major clean up when you come home. Remind him what the holiday home was like when she stayed there.

Tell him as well it will be your decision if they can stay say 2 nights the odd time when you're all at home. The holiday home is sold and you sil needs to pay for nights away like other people now.

> I don't want them to use it.

Then don't

Provided they do take you up on using your house, it's a reciprocal arrangement.

Do you leave the place dirty lie OP's relations?

Takers are always mystified by not being given free stuff.

Maybe the circumstances are different...

Have to ask, is this a wind up? It’s absolutely insane to ask for use of someone’s home, and I cannot fathom anyone having the audacity to do that. The answer is no, and that’s the end of the matter.

Start as you mean to go on.

They've already shown you that they are takers. Next, they'll be expecting a certain time of year to be always available to them.
On the years you want to stay home during the holidays, you'll be made to feel guilty for not going away.

It's very 'nice' of your husband to want to be accommodating of his sibling but he's only looking at this one occasion in isolation, you are looking at a pattern of behaviours and the wider context.

You are right to do so.

It isn’t your responsibility to resolve your DH siblings holidays , I would be saying no and stop trying to suggest your DH should do it as he is clearly struggling and I wouldn’t trust him to be able to say no tbh . I wouldn’t care if I was seen as a bad guy - it’s your home so saying no is fine! You and your DH need to be clear on this and not get into offering up a beach house holiday at your home- this is your home not a Airbnb . Start the way you mean to go on

The eating and cleaning thing is a bit melodramatic.

I'm currently comparing schedules with a family member to work out when I can use their place in Thailand for 3 weeks next year. Sharing with family is nice. My house here is open whenever they want it. I'm really shocked my the miserable attitudes on this thread!

Oh my goodness, nothing you’ve said is unreasonable. You need to put clear boundaries in place from the get go. This includes how you refer to visiting you. I would not call it a beach holiday either. It sets up the wrong dynamics and expectations.

Why on earth would you want someone staying in your own home when you are away?! if they do come when you are there, at best, I would say, when we’re back / next summer / next term, you must come and see us. It needs re-framing as a normal family visit to see you, not using your house as a holiday home.

Can you imagine? A bun fight amongst the siblings about when they can have their holiday entitlement at OP’s house. Not only will OP have to pack for her holiday, but she’ll have to get her house “hotel ready” in terms of cleanliness and bed linens/towels. Then once home from her own holiday, she won’t be able to unpack and ease back in…she’ll be restocking the fridge/cupboards, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. And her pile of holiday laundry will be exacerbated by all of the guests’ sheets and towels. Hell no.