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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse family use of our home for holidays?

389 replies

SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 01:24

I'm really cross about this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Please help me mumsnetters. I have name changed in case this is outing. Sorry, it is long, so as to avoid a drip feed.

Back story, until very recently we owned a holiday house (just sold it this month). Half of the house belonged to me and DH and the other half was owned by DH parents. We bought our half off another relative and have owned our half for a long time, approximately 20 years.

The house is in a holiday location and has been used by DH siblings (and their partners and school aged children) as a holiday home for all of that time. They never offered any money for their stay. We didn't use it very often as we were not living in that country until a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately it appears that DH siblings viewed the house as something they were entitled to use, rather than a privilege. Obviously their parents also owned half of the house, which makes a difference to how they viewed it. On some occasions the house was left dirty after the siblings had used it and when we arrived to use it we had to clean it. They have also used it without asking, as they all have a key.

We now live in a different holiday location, about 3 hours drive away from the house, so don't need to go there for holidays anymore. But more importantly we have never rented the house, so we didn't ever benefit financially, but it cost us money in terms of maintenance. This is the reason for wanting to sell.

DH siblings have had many years of free holidays, at our expense, mainly during school holidays, when accommodation is expensive. Sadly for them with the sale of the house this has now come to an end.

There is a school holiday coming up here very soon. We as a family (me, DH and our DCs) are going overseas for the holidays, meaning our main house (our permanent family home) will be empty. One of DH siblings, who would usually go to the holiday home, has messaged him to say she doesn't know how she's going to entertain her DCs over the holiday and asking if our house is on offer to them.

I am really annoyed about this. It feels like after years and years of having free holidays in the holiday house at our expense, they now want to use our own home as an alternative.

I don't want them to use it. I don't want the stress of having to get our house ready for guests when we we're already preparing for our own trip. I dont like the idea of other people using our home when were not there. But also I think this is really cheeky and they seem to expect us to still be responsible for providing them with a free holiday.

I think allowing them to use our own house now is effectively sending the message to them that this is now their holiday home, as a replacement and sets a precedent that whenever we are away they can use it. AIBU to not want them to use it?

DH does sort of agree with me on this, however instead wants to tell them they can come to ours when we are there for a 'beach holiday'. Whilst I don't have a problem with then coming to stay for a couple of days when we're here, I don't think he should be starting to offer them 'beach holidays ' in our house at this point, being so close to the sale of the holiday house, as in my opinion it's still giving them the impression that we're responsible for providing them with holidays.

Any advice welcome. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 17/09/2026 12:10

SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 05:32

I am unfortunately, as some of you have suggested, quite concerned that DH will indeed cave and say they can use it.

I've told him not to use the term 'beach holiday' if he invites them to stay with us, when we're here, but he doesn't see a problem with that.

Thanks for some of the ideas for responses, I do think DH should be the one to deliver this, not leaving me to look like the bad guy.

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut the house originally belonged to DH's great grandparents, when they died it was left to DH's parents and DH's aunt. The aunt wanted to sell, so DH was asked if we wanted to buy her share, which we did with a mortgage. We didn't live in that country at that time, or for the next 15 years, so although ownership changed, nothing else did and as his siblings grew up and had families, they all used it. They didn't ask us at that time, as we weren't here and wouldn't be using it. It became more of a problem since we returned and can see them not asking to use it, not cleaning up after themselves. DBIL is actually worse than DSil in this respect and used the house last Easter and his DC left chocolate smeared all over the floor and fridge and half an egg stuck on the back of a chair. DH was really cross, but didn't challenge them. He did mention it to his DM, but she made excuses for them (which is what she always does).

@Woodfiresareamazing2 I would say we are more wealthy that DBil, but probably not particulary so compared to DSil. I think they all just used the holiday house for so long that they felt entitled to it and now are looking for a replacement.

@99bottlesofkombucha No I'm not a tidy person and neither are our DC. I have suggested to DH that he uses that as a reason why DSil can't stay, but not sure that will put them off from asking in future

@KWhOoo I was thinking the same about allowing them to stay overnight and how this could lead to more requests, but DH said my family stay when they visit, so why can't his. I've explained that my family come to visit us, not just use the house and they haven't already had years of free holiday at our expense.

they are CFs. But I’d help your DH here because if you deliver the news, it won’t affect his relationship with them as much…. I know he could just say no but they are his family so if it’s you giving the message it might be easier for him. I’d message this person saying you don’t allow anyone to stay when you’re not at home and not even your own family. And if they get arsey, tell them some people had left the holiday home filthy and you’re not returning home to that plus paying for the cost of bills etc and their request seems cheeky considering they all had free holidays at your expense over the years. But state that if people want to visit for a few days when you’re home, then they can suggest future dates. But be clear that you will limit this to one weekend per month (or whatever you decide) and they will have to appreciate that you need free weekends so that you’re not running an unpaid hotel. You can be that direct and anyone would surely understand that..

Movingonup313 · 17/09/2026 11:58

My first instinct would be to turn it into the joke that SIL clearly is...

Or

sorry what? Just because our holiday home has gone, do you think we should be opening up our family home as a replacement holiday home for you? What do we gain from that?

Or

Are you looking for rental accommodation and therefor asking us to rent our family home to you? Im not following your request. Or are you asking us to just give you our family home when we are on holiday? Either way, we dont have visitors when we arent here as it isnt really visiting if we arent here and we dont want people staying when we arent here

Or

No. Our family home is not a holiday home. Plenty rentals nearby.

Eddielizzard · 17/09/2026 11:52

If DH can't hold the line, be prepared to step in and say absolutely no way.

My biggest revelation was not caring what the IL's thought of me. Being the bad guy isn't as bad as I expected, and a strange side effect is that they're actually quite nice to me now

Happyjoe · 17/09/2026 11:50

Absolutely no way. Nope, nada. I would hate for people to be in my space without me there, let alone any of the not cleaning up after themselves bit.

They've had loads of free holidays, they should've saved up for ones they now have to pay for!!

C152 · 17/09/2026 11:49

Don't tie yourself in knots trying to come up with a polite excuse they will find palatable. You don't have to come up with reasons you don't want someone staying in your home (with or without you there). Just say no, then either change the subject or agree that the town is a nice place to visit and there's a lovely hotel called 'x' they may wish to check out.

If your DH cocks up and caves to their requests, immediately correct him and say 'sorry, there's been a misunderstanding. As I already stated no, you may not stay.'

Since your family come to visit you, suggest to your DH that it's great his family want to spend more time with you all, what date are they suggesting you go to visit them and stay in their home?

BleedinglyObvious · 17/09/2026 11:42

@TunnelLight , You just have to think of a gentle but firm way of saying ‘no this doesn’t work for you’. Why gentle? The cheeky-fuckery isn't gentle.

Carriemac · 17/09/2026 11:37

As a holiday home owner , yes it does cost you to have people stay when you’re not there , we let family and friends stay at our house when we’re not using it but the general wear and tear ( DH’s nephew has just stayed with some friends and have taken all our charger plugs and broken a blind) and arranging someone to clean it , put our the bins etc is a pain . We do ask them to pay for cleaning and laundry but the electriicity bins cleaning products at used all add up . We have made a lot of sacrifices to afford the home and I hate when people think ‘it doesn’t cost anything to stay when we’re not there ‘

AnonyMumAuDHD · 17/09/2026 11:35

Absolutely refuse access to your home. If you lived in a non tourist-desirable area would they be asking? (Would they let you have open access to their pwn home whenever they are away?) Unlikely.

It is your home. They need to understand that the freebies they’ve been privileged to access until recently have now ended and they’ll have to explore other options. You do not owe them access to your private space - they can visit YOU and your family for a few long weekends at your own convenience, but even if they are then just coming to use your home for a beach holiday, then I’d be putting a stop to that. I understand your DH wanting to be kind, but given you have underwritten your family’s free vacations for years with no appreciation or respect (leaving you holiday home dirty is CFery of the highest order)… then no.

You owe them nothing. And it is not mean, selfish, or unkind to assert your boundaries.

stitchy · 17/09/2026 11:29

Ask them for a list of dates of other times they will be away from home so you can have a holiday at their house and see what they say

VickyEadie · 17/09/2026 11:28

Freeyourmind · 17/09/2026 11:17

Outside of the cheekiness of asking in the first place, I can't get my head around saying to another adult that "I don't know how I'm going to entertain my children" because you can't go to a holiday home. That in itself is ridiculous. Let them be bored! Go out locally, do all the things that people who've never had free access to a holiday home do. Talk about first world problems. The answer needs to be a hard no really, otherwise all holidays you'll find one of them descending on you and it will cause resentment.

Show quote history

They could also...RENT a holiday cottage!

VickyEadie · 17/09/2026 11:27

Btc76 · 17/09/2026 02:27

Beggars can’t be choosers. Of course you are not going to let they stay at your family home, there will be no one replying here who has ever heard of such an arrangement. You’ve effectively created a situation where you are the government and these relations are the welfare claimants. Deliver a hard NO!

Just to be a right irritating bugger, we DO - in fact - let my brother and his wife use our house (we live by the sea) when we're away! but we OFFERED it - they'd never have dreamed of asking. And they leave it absolutely spotless and leave treats and put wine in the fridge for us. I love my brother and enjoy them staying here.

HOWEVER - OP'S relatives are being cheeky fuckers and she's going to need to take charge of telling them avery firm "NO."

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/09/2026 11:27

ICantGetNoSleepHere · 17/09/2026 11:16

They live over an hours drive away and we live in a popular tourist town (near to lots of other tourist towns) so if they were here they would be doing holiday stuff and visiting places they wouldn't normally go to, different walks, parks, cafes etc and we're near to a beach and they are not.

A whole HOUR away? They can do everything on your list perfectly easily in a day trip.

They’re cheeky fuckers. You aren’t responsible for providing them with free holiday accommodation so it’s a no on trust front. If they want to visit you - and I mean you and your family then that’s different. But they’re arseholes to effectively use your home to their own ends. And they can’t even be trusted to leave it in the state they found it.

If your husband wants to accommodate this so desperately, he deals with every single aspect of it. Cleaning and changing beds before and afterwards, sorting out any mess, replacing anything of yours that they use. Do not help even for a second.

Absolutely! An hour is nothing. They can easily just do all the activities on a daily basis.

They probably just want a house they think they don’t have to worry about in between their various days out. And some new toys (ie their cousins’ toys) to play with! Those are hardly going to be left alone during their stay if they were to come. What fun!

ICantGetNoSleepHere · 17/09/2026 11:18

Actually, this is the perfect time for thay classic MN response:

”are you on glue?!”

Freeyourmind · 17/09/2026 11:17

SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 01:24

I'm really cross about this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Please help me mumsnetters. I have name changed in case this is outing. Sorry, it is long, so as to avoid a drip feed.

Back story, until very recently we owned a holiday house (just sold it this month). Half of the house belonged to me and DH and the other half was owned by DH parents. We bought our half off another relative and have owned our half for a long time, approximately 20 years.

The house is in a holiday location and has been used by DH siblings (and their partners and school aged children) as a holiday home for all of that time. They never offered any money for their stay. We didn't use it very often as we were not living in that country until a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately it appears that DH siblings viewed the house as something they were entitled to use, rather than a privilege. Obviously their parents also owned half of the house, which makes a difference to how they viewed it. On some occasions the house was left dirty after the siblings had used it and when we arrived to use it we had to clean it. They have also used it without asking, as they all have a key.

We now live in a different holiday location, about 3 hours drive away from the house, so don't need to go there for holidays anymore. But more importantly we have never rented the house, so we didn't ever benefit financially, but it cost us money in terms of maintenance. This is the reason for wanting to sell.

DH siblings have had many years of free holidays, at our expense, mainly during school holidays, when accommodation is expensive. Sadly for them with the sale of the house this has now come to an end.

There is a school holiday coming up here very soon. We as a family (me, DH and our DCs) are going overseas for the holidays, meaning our main house (our permanent family home) will be empty. One of DH siblings, who would usually go to the holiday home, has messaged him to say she doesn't know how she's going to entertain her DCs over the holiday and asking if our house is on offer to them.

I am really annoyed about this. It feels like after years and years of having free holidays in the holiday house at our expense, they now want to use our own home as an alternative.

I don't want them to use it. I don't want the stress of having to get our house ready for guests when we we're already preparing for our own trip. I dont like the idea of other people using our home when were not there. But also I think this is really cheeky and they seem to expect us to still be responsible for providing them with a free holiday.

I think allowing them to use our own house now is effectively sending the message to them that this is now their holiday home, as a replacement and sets a precedent that whenever we are away they can use it. AIBU to not want them to use it?

DH does sort of agree with me on this, however instead wants to tell them they can come to ours when we are there for a 'beach holiday'. Whilst I don't have a problem with then coming to stay for a couple of days when we're here, I don't think he should be starting to offer them 'beach holidays ' in our house at this point, being so close to the sale of the holiday house, as in my opinion it's still giving them the impression that we're responsible for providing them with holidays.

Any advice welcome. Thanks for reading!

Outside of the cheekiness of asking in the first place, I can't get my head around saying to another adult that "I don't know how I'm going to entertain my children" because you can't go to a holiday home. That in itself is ridiculous. Let them be bored! Go out locally, do all the things that people who've never had free access to a holiday home do. Talk about first world problems. The answer needs to be a hard no really, otherwise all holidays you'll find one of them descending on you and it will cause resentment.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/09/2026 11:17

Your reply is

' Good grief NO it is our family home not a holiday house '
That property was sold in xyz '

ICantGetNoSleepHere · 17/09/2026 11:16

They live over an hours drive away and we live in a popular tourist town (near to lots of other tourist towns) so if they were here they would be doing holiday stuff and visiting places they wouldn't normally go to, different walks, parks, cafes etc and we're near to a beach and they are not.

A whole HOUR away? They can do everything on your list perfectly easily in a day trip.

They’re cheeky fuckers. You aren’t responsible for providing them with free holiday accommodation so it’s a no on trust front. If they want to visit you - and I mean you and your family then that’s different. But they’re arseholes to effectively use your home to their own ends. And they can’t even be trusted to leave it in the state they found it.

If your husband wants to accommodate this so desperately, he deals with every single aspect of it. Cleaning and changing beds before and afterwards, sorting out any mess, replacing anything of yours that they use. Do not help even for a second.

ShiftingSand · 17/09/2026 11:15

They’ve had some lovely free holidays but all good things come to an end. Entertaining their children is not your responsibility.

purplecorkheart · 17/09/2026 11:10

Yes, you and your dh need to start as you mean to go on. This is your home and not a holiday house. Your in-laws need not to associate your home with a holiday. They do not stay whether you are there or not. If you are worried about your dh sending them a key then get a ring door bell or cameras. DH needs to put on his big boy pants and stop this nonsense before it starts.

Friendlygingercat · 17/09/2026 11:09

I find that quoting a price to entitled people who want to scrounge favours is a wonderful conversation stopper.

I recently helped a relative with a complex benefit claim. It was time consuming and stressful but I was willing to do it. for family It was a one off unlikely to happen again. She has now thoughtlessly "volunteered" me to help a neighbour with her claim. I do not know her neighbour. I wrote back and said "well this is not family so I will do it for £80 an hour which is my lowest charge for online tutoring". I did not hear back.

MarjorieWestriding · 17/09/2026 11:01

Shedmistress · 17/09/2026 10:33

We all know he is going to send them a key in the post in secret. And the OP will find out either when she gets home or if they are good at tidying this time, one of the kids will slip up at Christmas.

She'd know as soon as she walked through the door as the house would smell different and there would be tiny but noticeable adjustments in where things are usually placed.

Francestein · 17/09/2026 10:58

I would hate this so much. I would have to explain to DH that there is a vast difference between a holiday home that you also visit and your ACTUAL home where you keep all of your things. The idea of relatives poking through my drawers and cupboards and playing with my kids things would be an intrusion I couldn’t tolerate. I would tell SIL that she is going to have to save up for holidays now as the days of free accommodation are over.

Holeymoley28 · 17/09/2026 10:57

For me it would simply be not wanting any people in my actual home while I am not there.

Your home isn’t a holiday house set empty and unpersonalised. It has all your clothes, paperwork, bills, private info, meds.

It’s your personal beds, your children’s toys. The food and toiletries you have sat in the house they will feel free to use.

Nope not ever for me.

HardyPinkPanda · 17/09/2026 10:55

“Of course you can use our house! Just send me the dates and I’ll let you know the rate. We’re thinking £250 a night in school holidays, plus a £100 cleaning fee and £500 security deposit. Family discount obviously, so I won’t charge extra for use of the washing machine. If you also want some groceries we can prestock the fridge with afew essentials for an extra £50. Not a problem xx"

SpoonyKhakiHelper · 17/09/2026 10:54

Tell them it’s occupied as you’ll be Air BnBing it.

Campanulaceae · 17/09/2026 10:53

Oh, nooooo way. They can come to stay for a night or two when you're there but not when you're away.

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