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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse family use of our home for holidays?

389 replies

SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 01:24

I'm really cross about this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Please help me mumsnetters. I have name changed in case this is outing. Sorry, it is long, so as to avoid a drip feed.

Back story, until very recently we owned a holiday house (just sold it this month). Half of the house belonged to me and DH and the other half was owned by DH parents. We bought our half off another relative and have owned our half for a long time, approximately 20 years.

The house is in a holiday location and has been used by DH siblings (and their partners and school aged children) as a holiday home for all of that time. They never offered any money for their stay. We didn't use it very often as we were not living in that country until a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately it appears that DH siblings viewed the house as something they were entitled to use, rather than a privilege. Obviously their parents also owned half of the house, which makes a difference to how they viewed it. On some occasions the house was left dirty after the siblings had used it and when we arrived to use it we had to clean it. They have also used it without asking, as they all have a key.

We now live in a different holiday location, about 3 hours drive away from the house, so don't need to go there for holidays anymore. But more importantly we have never rented the house, so we didn't ever benefit financially, but it cost us money in terms of maintenance. This is the reason for wanting to sell.

DH siblings have had many years of free holidays, at our expense, mainly during school holidays, when accommodation is expensive. Sadly for them with the sale of the house this has now come to an end.

There is a school holiday coming up here very soon. We as a family (me, DH and our DCs) are going overseas for the holidays, meaning our main house (our permanent family home) will be empty. One of DH siblings, who would usually go to the holiday home, has messaged him to say she doesn't know how she's going to entertain her DCs over the holiday and asking if our house is on offer to them.

I am really annoyed about this. It feels like after years and years of having free holidays in the holiday house at our expense, they now want to use our own home as an alternative.

I don't want them to use it. I don't want the stress of having to get our house ready for guests when we we're already preparing for our own trip. I dont like the idea of other people using our home when were not there. But also I think this is really cheeky and they seem to expect us to still be responsible for providing them with a free holiday.

I think allowing them to use our own house now is effectively sending the message to them that this is now their holiday home, as a replacement and sets a precedent that whenever we are away they can use it. AIBU to not want them to use it?

DH does sort of agree with me on this, however instead wants to tell them they can come to ours when we are there for a 'beach holiday'. Whilst I don't have a problem with then coming to stay for a couple of days when we're here, I don't think he should be starting to offer them 'beach holidays ' in our house at this point, being so close to the sale of the holiday house, as in my opinion it's still giving them the impression that we're responsible for providing them with holidays.

Any advice welcome. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Realworld10 · 17/09/2026 19:55

If you do it once it would be one expected.

However, if it was my siblings and they struggled to afford a holiday I would want to let them. They would however be respectful, clean up and buy thank you gifts and DC are very well behaved.

Kisskiss · 17/09/2026 19:42

AnonyMumAuDHD · 17/09/2026 13:53

Just to add, if you need ammo for your DH: It is one thing to allow access to a holiday home, where even if you leave items between visits, is a ‘blank slate’ space. It does not have your personal items, medicine cabinets with your private items, kitchens stocked with equipment you have bought or been gifted, favourite mugs that you have collected, a collection of wine/spirits that you both drink, wardrobes filled with your personal clothing and undies, your files and financial data and letters sitting in drawers and on shelves, your neighbours who you need to co-exist with the remainder of the year ie a relationship you need to respect/protect, your Sky/Netflix and other accounts that have your preferences saved may be messed with in your absence (my DC and DH would find this irritating if they are suddenly been suggested to watch romance films when their algorithm is set for sci-fi, horror and sport!).

You may, of course have one or two ‘guest rooms’ in your home, that are largely empty, but these are only used when you are present, and access to all your private spaces is not implied when you have guest come to visit and use those rooms.

VIP: Furthermore, your household insurance policies will NOT cover you for theft, fire, flood or other damage caused by visitors in your absence. House sitters, professional ones, have their own insurance cover for this reason. People who Air BnB or rent their properties have specialist insurance - you would be completely unprotected in the case of an unforeseen calamitous event.

So again - just say NO.

Exactly… you don’t have to make up any excuse because saying ‘NO’ is perfectly reasonable. It’s possible to say no and not fall out, if they fall out with you over this then it’s their problem tbh. It’s your actual home and anybody with a family knows how much hassle going for holidays and prepping homes for guests are

MeridianB · 17/09/2026 19:42

Arghghgh! I’m raging on your behalf @SayingNoToFamily

They have become waaaay too comfortable. So glad you’re not letting them start a whole new cycle of cheekyfuckery in your home.

Your DH needs to know how strongly you feel about this. And them holidaying by staying with you sounds like it would easily involve you paying for everything, cooking everything and cleaning everything. It’s so wrong.

Could your ILs support the new position of ‘holiday home via Saying has gone’?

Booboobagins · 17/09/2026 19:40

What utter CFs.

YANBU, your DH needs to grow a pair and send then links to airbnbs nearby.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 17/09/2026 19:34

I don't think you should ever have to lie to what is essentially an unreasonable request. Tell them straight, "It's my/our home, you've put your brother in an awkward position because whilst he doesn't want to say no to you, he also knows that I'm wholly uncomfortable about your request. So I'll tell you direct, I don't want anyone in my home whilst we are away, it's my prerogative to say no! I'm sure you understand my pov and wouldn't want to cause friction between us"

Foodwench66 · 17/09/2026 19:33

SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 13:52

Thanks for all of your comments and advice. I wasn't sure if I was being mean saying no, but it seems I'm not being unreasonable.

I agree I do have DH problem, I think he feels guilty that 'their' holiday home is gone and is trying to compensate, as a poster suggested.

I won't be allowing them to use the house, but probably will make an excuse as to why, even though I'd love to tell them they are CFs, I don't want to fall out with them.

No need to make an excuse. Sorry that won't be possible is the only reason they need. Repeat it like a broken record if they pester you. But You need to be the one that says No I think.

I went through something similar with my Hubby when we got married with boundary lacking peeps. I like entertaining and am very generous, but He had a lot of hangers on people and had trouble enforcing normal boundaries. He is a bit of a hero martyr type and old habits die hard.
At one point I told him I was losing romantic feelings for him because his weakness about this gave me the ick. He was very very upset about it but It woke him up a bit. We are stronger than ever nearly 10 years married now but there were growng pains.

You will for sure need to be the bad guy here to make sure they get the message!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 17/09/2026 19:26

Just say no. When they whine and complain reply it’s not up for discussion.

If they continue, ask why they want to jeopardise your relationship with them by making demands/requests you have already declined.

Then back away from the grifting freeloaders.

Don't explain, just be clear and consistent. No means no.

LittlePaintBox · 17/09/2026 19:26

Onautopilot · 17/09/2026 02:15

Duckduck, I think DSil won't want to rent OP's house, she will expect it free!
Her DC's would love a rummage through their cousins stuff, let alone yours, and if they previously left the cottage messy OP would be crazy to go along with this.
DH needs to say absolutely not! It will be the thin end of the wedge.

Completely agree with this. It sounds as if they have little respect for your property, will your insurers pay out to repair any major damage they cause when you've left them in charge of your house?

I wouldn't bother saying anything 'gently', or saying 'I'm sorry, but I don't want to lend the house out while we're away'. I mean, if you're going to go to all the trouble of clearing the house ready for visitors, you might as well rent it out while you're away! You could also then take the cost of any damage, or getting cleaners in, from the deposit.

It sounds like you've slipped into doing far too much for these cheeky blighters, and it must stop now. Otherwise you're going to end up never going on holiday to keep them out! And for heaven's sake, don't be guilted into hosting them for a holiday while you're at home.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but sometimes you've just got to put your foot down and take the flak for your and your family's long term wellbeing. Good luck!

Sam9769 · 17/09/2026 19:24

Tell them to fuck right off and not to come back!!

godmum56 · 17/09/2026 19:22

VickyEadie · 17/09/2026 11:27

Just to be a right irritating bugger, we DO - in fact - let my brother and his wife use our house (we live by the sea) when we're away! but we OFFERED it - they'd never have dreamed of asking. And they leave it absolutely spotless and leave treats and put wine in the fridge for us. I love my brother and enjoy them staying here.

HOWEVER - OP'S relatives are being cheeky fuckers and she's going to need to take charge of telling them avery firm "NO."

Show quote history

we used to let my inlaws borrow our house, but again we offered.

Foodieasfuck · 17/09/2026 19:21

It sounds like you have given and they have taken for long enough. All good things come to an end! Do what suits you not what suits them!

QueenietheGreat · 17/09/2026 19:19

@SayingNoToFamily
Just say a very firm resounding NO
You don't owe them anything and presumptive grabby types like them will always take advantage
Do you really want them rooting through your drawers, going through cupboards and possibly damaging your house? And this is just for starters as you'll then be expected to tolerate this year in and year out alongside spiralling household bills
One thing that got me was DHs sibling complaining about lack of entertainment for her liddle darlings
I say, tell her with all the money saved from holidaying at your expense to put her hand in her pocket and spend some of what she's saved over all this time!
Personally as well I'd not have them to stay when in residence myself either
They may see this a thin wedge to completely open your front door
Willing to bet if the shoe was on the other foot you'd have to have paid to stay
And when the house was sold
You've been the last to know
Do not give in and stand firm

Therescathairinmybath · 17/09/2026 19:18

suki1964 · 17/09/2026 18:42

Seriously?

Have you ever done that?

As I say I dont actually " feed " them as such. just have the normal tea,coffee, bread, milk , biscuits etc in, they would pay for a take away or a meal out ,

Show quote history

I will provide bedding and towels but guests have to make up and strip their own beds (I have a bad back). I don’t do much cooking or cook from scratch so anyone that knows me really doesn’t expect it from me. Life is much easier being a bad host!

Holidaymodeon · 17/09/2026 19:14

Just lie. Say your own family or close friends are renting it for the holiday seasons for the foreseeable future and paying huge bucks so you aren’t in the position to turn them down because it not only funds your holidays but leaves you with money left over too, all the years of subsidising other people’s holidays has finally paid off and you’ve never been so happy.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 17/09/2026 19:06

Absolutely refuse. I haven't read all the posts, I will go back and do so. You talk about getting it ready for guests, how inconvenient is that when you're going away..............and then! would they have your home cleaned, with beds changed, and all the linen and towels laundered. Why would you want to clear up after them when you'll be returning with your own holiday washing to add to their pile??? They've got a damn cheek. Yes! As poster said above I'd counteract your husband if he says yes,it's your home too, they shouldn't ask and I'd tell them, it's a request too far!

NazMedusa · 17/09/2026 19:05

Absolutely flipping not. Put your foot down and stand firm on this. You give people an inch, they'll take a mile. This is what has happened here. 'no' is a full sentence.

Foodwench66 · 17/09/2026 18:56

SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 05:32

I am unfortunately, as some of you have suggested, quite concerned that DH will indeed cave and say they can use it.

I've told him not to use the term 'beach holiday' if he invites them to stay with us, when we're here, but he doesn't see a problem with that.

Thanks for some of the ideas for responses, I do think DH should be the one to deliver this, not leaving me to look like the bad guy.

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut the house originally belonged to DH's great grandparents, when they died it was left to DH's parents and DH's aunt. The aunt wanted to sell, so DH was asked if we wanted to buy her share, which we did with a mortgage. We didn't live in that country at that time, or for the next 15 years, so although ownership changed, nothing else did and as his siblings grew up and had families, they all used it. They didn't ask us at that time, as we weren't here and wouldn't be using it. It became more of a problem since we returned and can see them not asking to use it, not cleaning up after themselves. DBIL is actually worse than DSil in this respect and used the house last Easter and his DC left chocolate smeared all over the floor and fridge and half an egg stuck on the back of a chair. DH was really cross, but didn't challenge them. He did mention it to his DM, but she made excuses for them (which is what she always does).

@Woodfiresareamazing2 I would say we are more wealthy that DBil, but probably not particulary so compared to DSil. I think they all just used the holiday house for so long that they felt entitled to it and now are looking for a replacement.

@99bottlesofkombucha No I'm not a tidy person and neither are our DC. I have suggested to DH that he uses that as a reason why DSil can't stay, but not sure that will put them off from asking in future

@KWhOoo I was thinking the same about allowing them to stay overnight and how this could lead to more requests, but DH said my family stay when they visit, so why can't his. I've explained that my family come to visit us, not just use the house and they haven't already had years of free holiday at our expense.

I'd tell Hubby that if he caves and says yes to them staying while you're gone that you will simply contact them and turn his yes back into a No yourself. I have had to do that before when Hubby accidentally told someone they could stay with us, but he forgot that we already had guests coming during the same time. I don't do the More the merrier thing and want people sleeping on couches and all over the house as college life ended over 30 years ago.... so I reached out and told them, sorry Hubby made a mistake so No.... So be the Bad guy if need be. Embrace it.

Harmonypuss · 17/09/2026 18:53

I've only read the first page of replies so I'm sorry if someone has already said this over the following 11 pages.
I'd be making it abundantly clear to the CFs who want to have holidays in your home that it is a firm 'NO' by saying the following (or something along these lines...
"For all the years we owned half of what YOU consider to be 'THE Holiday Home', you've taken advantage of our generosity. Yes, your parents may have told everyone to use the place for free, but we were never consulted on this.
Throughout all those years we've had to pay half of the maintenance and upkeep costs for the place. We never saw anyone other than your parents contribute to that, so exactly WHAT did you contribute?
We've had to clean up after you dirty sods have gone home leaving the place a mess, and none of you have even acknowledged the fact that WE, NOT YOU had ownership of the place. In reality, you had absolutely NO rights to use it.
Now that that house is gone, are you REALLY so entitled that you think we're going to continue to allow this in our own home? Because if you do think that, you're sorely mistaken! You've taken advantage of us all these years, and this is where it stops!
Go and ask your parents whether you can stay at their place for your holidays.
Not by the beach? What a shame!
Well, if you want access to a place by a beach, why don't you put your hands in your pockets and buy somewhere yourselves? That's what we did. For US, NOT YOU"
Plus, as all Mumsnetters know... "No" is a complete sentence!

Foodwench66 · 17/09/2026 18:47

aloris · 17/09/2026 04:05

Not sure I would leave it up to your husband to tell them the news that you won't be lending them your home. He may cave in and give them the idea that they can use it just this once. I think you need to tell them yourselves so that you can make it abundantly clear that this will not be happening and that, if they even hint again at expecting it, then it will be very damaging to their relationship with you.

Great point! I would be the bad guy. I am not afraid to take on that role as My husband can sometimes have issues enforcing boundaries, like house guest matters. But he takes on being the bad guy for other matters for me so it evens out :).

RetirementIsGreat · 17/09/2026 18:45

Show this thread to your DH. YANBU

Sandyq106 · 17/09/2026 18:42

Once you start that scenerio, it will be even more difficult to stop, don't do it

suki1964 · 17/09/2026 18:42

Therescathairinmybath · 17/09/2026 18:25

You need to stop making guests so welcome! Tell them to bring their own sheets, towels and food.

Show quote history

Seriously?

Have you ever done that?

As I say I dont actually " feed " them as such. just have the normal tea,coffee, bread, milk , biscuits etc in, they would pay for a take away or a meal out ,

itsalltoplayfor · 17/09/2026 18:40

She could always book and pay for accommodation, like most other people have to do.
So give an unmistakable "no, not ever" to the request but to soften the blow offer a shortlist of nearby hotels or Air BnB they might stay at. Tell them you'd love to meet up or have them round for a meal whilst they are residing at the accommodation but they aren't staying at yours!

thegrumblingkitten · 17/09/2026 18:39

Just say no.

They have no respect for your property; you already know that.
And ALL your personal items and things are in your home ... just say no.

Your DH needs to man up, but if he won't, you need to say no. Don't explain, don't make up excuses, just say no, that won't be happening. You don't owe them holidays.

Alittlewordinyourear · 17/09/2026 18:38

Do not let them use your house , under pressure from my husband I let his sister and family use our house for a week when we were away and they were attending a wedding . I can back from holiday to a complete mess - wet towels Lying on bathroom floors among other mess, beds not stripped and stained with fake tan, helped themselves to wine beer and food. She poured half my expensive EspA bath oil which I saved for special occasions into her bath and didn’t clean the oily residue and the final straw was fruit and crumbs left lying on kitchen floor and worktops leading to an invasion of fruit flies ! I thought my marriage was not going to survive it! The benefit of my holiday vanished on arrival home after midnight having to change beds. Me proclaiming they will never set foot n my house again and my husband lamely saying “ I’m surprised - it’s not like them “ when in fact it actually is !

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