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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse family use of our home for holidays?

389 replies

SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 01:24

I'm really cross about this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Please help me mumsnetters. I have name changed in case this is outing. Sorry, it is long, so as to avoid a drip feed.

Back story, until very recently we owned a holiday house (just sold it this month). Half of the house belonged to me and DH and the other half was owned by DH parents. We bought our half off another relative and have owned our half for a long time, approximately 20 years.

The house is in a holiday location and has been used by DH siblings (and their partners and school aged children) as a holiday home for all of that time. They never offered any money for their stay. We didn't use it very often as we were not living in that country until a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately it appears that DH siblings viewed the house as something they were entitled to use, rather than a privilege. Obviously their parents also owned half of the house, which makes a difference to how they viewed it. On some occasions the house was left dirty after the siblings had used it and when we arrived to use it we had to clean it. They have also used it without asking, as they all have a key.

We now live in a different holiday location, about 3 hours drive away from the house, so don't need to go there for holidays anymore. But more importantly we have never rented the house, so we didn't ever benefit financially, but it cost us money in terms of maintenance. This is the reason for wanting to sell.

DH siblings have had many years of free holidays, at our expense, mainly during school holidays, when accommodation is expensive. Sadly for them with the sale of the house this has now come to an end.

There is a school holiday coming up here very soon. We as a family (me, DH and our DCs) are going overseas for the holidays, meaning our main house (our permanent family home) will be empty. One of DH siblings, who would usually go to the holiday home, has messaged him to say she doesn't know how she's going to entertain her DCs over the holiday and asking if our house is on offer to them.

I am really annoyed about this. It feels like after years and years of having free holidays in the holiday house at our expense, they now want to use our own home as an alternative.

I don't want them to use it. I don't want the stress of having to get our house ready for guests when we we're already preparing for our own trip. I dont like the idea of other people using our home when were not there. But also I think this is really cheeky and they seem to expect us to still be responsible for providing them with a free holiday.

I think allowing them to use our own house now is effectively sending the message to them that this is now their holiday home, as a replacement and sets a precedent that whenever we are away they can use it. AIBU to not want them to use it?

DH does sort of agree with me on this, however instead wants to tell them they can come to ours when we are there for a 'beach holiday'. Whilst I don't have a problem with then coming to stay for a couple of days when we're here, I don't think he should be starting to offer them 'beach holidays ' in our house at this point, being so close to the sale of the holiday house, as in my opinion it's still giving them the impression that we're responsible for providing them with holidays.

Any advice welcome. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2026 04:35

”We are so pleased you have happy memories of using our holiday house all these years. That house is now sold and we don’t feel comfortable continuing this arrangement with our new home. We hope you and the kids find something fun to do this holiday.”

A thank you would be nice!

IAmKerplunk · 17/09/2026 04:26

SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 03:19

They live over an hours drive away and we live in a popular tourist town (near to lots of other tourist towns) so if they were here they would be doing holiday stuff and visiting places they wouldn't normally go to, different walks, parks, cafes etc and we're near to a beach and they are not.

All previous school holidays they have used the holiday house, so that's kept their DC entertained. This is the first school holidays where they haven't had free accommodation, so she's obviously as a loss now. She could always book and pay for accommodation, like most other people have to do.

I agree, its definitely a no forever!

Show quote history

They live over an hour away and you live close to the beach? Bloody hell - my dc and I drive 3 hours for a day at the beach! Different parks and cafes? Sorry but that is funny. How did the previous house keep them entertained? Tell them to piss off 🤣

SixAndJuliet · 17/09/2026 04:21

Oh and I also wouldn’t rely on husband not to relent and agree to it if he is the one responsible for talking to family about this.

SixAndJuliet · 17/09/2026 04:19

Hi SIL

No as it’s our permanent home not a replacement for the holiday home. Here is a link for a local holiday accomodation company. Hope you get something sorted xx

AlwayAnxious · 17/09/2026 04:16

Hell No

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 17/09/2026 04:14

givemesteel · 17/09/2026 03:49

You need to get your husband on board with not setting a new precedent. Ie if you agree to host them for a 'beach holiday' they will all expect that every year as it sounds like they have that level of entitlement.

Just say no you don't feel comfortable with them using your home when you're not there. If they ask why just use the examples you've given, ie they've left the holiday home messy/unclean. I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either, if something awful happened like a fire you'd never forgive them.

I wouldn't be giving them any examples of why it's a no to using OP's home. With their huge sense of entitlement they'd start arguing about why her examples weren't reasonable.

I think OP should just say 'no, our home is not "on offer" for you or anyone else to use'.

I hope none of DH's siblings have 'emergency' keys to her house! Otherwise I can see them just turning up while OP is away and staying as long as they like ...

99bottlesofkombucha · 17/09/2026 04:10

Are you a tidy person? I’m not so I’d probably say sorry we have a few things going on and it’s hard enough to pack, we simply will not be able to have the house ready for other people to stay in, it would be a big extra load we aren’t up for. We would love you to visit sometime though so when we’re back we should see if there are any dates.

whatever you come up with it’s a no for them staying there while you’re not.

aloris · 17/09/2026 04:05

Not sure I would leave it up to your husband to tell them the news that you won't be lending them your home. He may cave in and give them the idea that they can use it just this once. I think you need to tell them yourselves so that you can make it abundantly clear that this will not be happening and that, if they even hint again at expecting it, then it will be very damaging to their relationship with you.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 17/09/2026 04:05

I'm shocked that SiL would even think it was ok to ask!

She's only an hour away herself from the tourist town, beach etc, most people wouldn't think twice about driving for an hour each way for a day out.

There is absolutely no way that I would ever contemplate anyone staying in my home for a holiday while I wasn't there. Especially given that they had previously left my holiday home in a mess.

As for inviting them to stay for a "beach holiday" - no, don't ever do this. You will end up paying for everything and 'waiting' on them the whole time.
It's normal for family to visit for the day, and maybe stay overnight, but I wouldn't be offering any more than that. And the focus/reason for that would be spending time together, not giving them a free O/N accommodation.

Why are they so entitled and pushy, aka CFs?
Is there more of a back story, eg that you and your DH are massively wealthy and the rest of his siblings aren't, so they expect you to subsidise them?

It's really quite extraordinary behaviour (as was BiL telling you you couldn't use your own holiday home because he and his family wanted it that week! That would have generated a very short, to-the-point response from me).

SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut · 17/09/2026 03:57

Btc76 · 17/09/2026 02:27

Beggars can’t be choosers. Of course you are not going to let they stay at your family home, there will be no one replying here who has ever heard of such an arrangement. You’ve effectively created a situation where you are the government and these relations are the welfare claimants. Deliver a hard NO!

A bonkers and not at all an appropriate analogy.

But op, it’s better to say no. Protect your home and boundaries.

I am curious though - half of the original holiday home belonged to your pils who presumably said it was fine for all their children to use the place. Were you not at all consulted or asked if it was ok as owners of 50% of the holiday home property?

StormInaDcup99 · 17/09/2026 03:52

You could say something like....

"I'm sorry, but we can't make exceptions to our house security and insurance rules while we're out of town. The house has to remain empty while we are away. Let me know if you want some local hotel recommendations"

Rinse and repeat
...

givemesteel · 17/09/2026 03:49

You need to get your husband on board with not setting a new precedent. Ie if you agree to host them for a 'beach holiday' they will all expect that every year as it sounds like they have that level of entitlement.

Just say no you don't feel comfortable with them using your home when you're not there. If they ask why just use the examples you've given, ie they've left the holiday home messy/unclean. I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either, if something awful happened like a fire you'd never forgive them.

ElefantAndCastle · 17/09/2026 03:49

Don't be a doormat again.

Original poster
SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 03:39

TwentyDunhill · 17/09/2026 02:56

How presumptuous and entitled. Did she not even ask if you were around that week as they were thinking of coming to the area and wondered if you were free for a visit?

You're not wrong to say no, but I think you will have to be clear that it's no forever, and not a "sorry, you can't this time because...", else you'll be making excuses every break.
It's a huge difference between a holiday home and your actual home!

Did you say you jointly owned the holiday home with your in-laws? Could they have told the siblings to go there whenever they wanted and treat it as their own?

Sil knew we were away over school holidays, as we had mentioned it previously. It really never occurred to me that they would even think to ask to use the house when we weren't there.

Yes the holiday home was jointly owned with DH parents, but the siblings still had to ask DH's parents to use it and when we returned to live here after many years of being away, DH did say they could use it, but to ask us first.

Another of DHs siblings, (not SIL who wants to use our house) DBil used it without asking on a couple of occasions recently, which DH was annoyed about, as if felt very entitled of them. They do have form for entitled behaviour though, as once, years ago when we lived overseas and returned to visit for a couple of weeks, with the intention of using the holiday house for that time (2 weeks use out of probably 18 months) they told us they were using it that week! They were corrected on that occasion (by DH's father), as we were definitely not going to pay for alternative accommodation, just to enable them to have a free holiday in a property we were paying the mortgage on, particularly as they were able to use it any other week when we weren't there.

OP posts:
IShouldNotBeSurprised · 17/09/2026 03:35

I'm glad you've decided not to entertain this. They aren't that far away; day trips are possible at that distance, or just a night or two in a hotel or airbnb to take advantage of the tourist towns without as much driving.

If they stay at yours without you, it will be treated like the holiday home was. No contribution, and it is very likely to be left a mess. Possibly even more so because they know you'll be coming home and would sort things out.

Staying with you there might be worse, as it's likely you would be expected to feed them (on their schedule and your dime) and clean up after them.

I hope your husband stays firm. If he doesn't, he should take responsibility for getting everything ready and cleaning up afterwards. Same for hosting.

How many siblings are there? I can't even imagine the expectation of doing this for one, and if it's done for one, the others will expect it.

I agree with @Ponderingwindow as well.

puppysleepdeprivation · 17/09/2026 03:21

I'd be firm in my refusal, and I also agree with your instinct to not refer to any possible future visits from them as a 'beach holiday'. These are not the type of people to tiptoe around.

As the house was jointly owned, her own parents are equally responsible for her present lack of a free holiday home. She can go to them for sympathy and handouts, instead.

Ponderingwindow · 17/09/2026 03:21

If they come to stay with you, it should be for a family visit. If that happens to be in a beautiful or fun location that is a bonus, but the focus should still be visiting family. Don’t encourage the habit of using your home for their holidays.

Original poster
SayingNoToFamily · 17/09/2026 03:19

Lavenderandbrown · 17/09/2026 02:37

ita definetly a no for me forever.

and what does she mean can’t occupy dc over the break? They are her children and she can’t manage them? What does she think the dc would be doing at your home that would be so very entertaining?

and its still a no just curious as to how entertaining your house is.

They live over an hours drive away and we live in a popular tourist town (near to lots of other tourist towns) so if they were here they would be doing holiday stuff and visiting places they wouldn't normally go to, different walks, parks, cafes etc and we're near to a beach and they are not.

All previous school holidays they have used the holiday house, so that's kept their DC entertained. This is the first school holidays where they haven't had free accommodation, so she's obviously as a loss now. She could always book and pay for accommodation, like most other people have to do.

I agree, its definitely a no forever!

OP posts:
OneSparklyGoat · 17/09/2026 03:15

The answer is unequivocally no.

Now you just have to decide how to deliver the answer.

For future requests I would begin gathering a list of recommendations so you could respond to similar requests: “Bob said you needed to book something for school holidays. Here are some local places that come highly recommended.”

But for this current cheeky situation, I’d just be honest “We decided that we are not going to offer for anyone to use our home as a holiday place. Its just doesn’t work for us.” Then silence, and let them talk. If they try to argue just repeat “It doesn’t work for us.”

UnderMirkwood · 17/09/2026 03:08

Cheeky mare. All those years of free holidays at your expense and now she wants to use your permanent home, no bloody way. Tell her a definite No, no one will be staying at your home and make it clear that your home is not the new free holiday home. Also, do not let your feeble minded husband offer her a beach holiday at yours, this will set a terrible precedent for you and will mean a constant expectation and visits from her and possibly the other siblings.

Time to make it clear that the gravy train has ended for these free loaders and from now on they are responsible for paying for their own holidays.

Onthemaintrunkline · 17/09/2026 03:06

What an absolute cheek they have! It would be a resounding no.

StolenTeapots · 17/09/2026 02:56

Omg no no no

TwentyDunhill · 17/09/2026 02:56

How presumptuous and entitled. Did she not even ask if you were around that week as they were thinking of coming to the area and wondered if you were free for a visit?

You're not wrong to say no, but I think you will have to be clear that it's no forever, and not a "sorry, you can't this time because...", else you'll be making excuses every break.
It's a huge difference between a holiday home and your actual home!

Did you say you jointly owned the holiday home with your in-laws? Could they have told the siblings to go there whenever they wanted and treat it as their own?

AmnesiacsDream · 17/09/2026 02:52

I think your instincts are spot on. Would a message along the lines of

It’s a big change for everyone, but we really don’t want our home to become the next [Holiday Home]. You need to look around for a different solution for getaways.

work?

Next year, before they ask, you could invite them to stay for a long weekend (though wouldn’t use the words “beach holiday”). But I wouldn’t make that offer a part of your messaging about their current request.

Mincepiesnow · 17/09/2026 02:37

Eh what, of course YANBU. They are cheeky fuckers of the highest order. Just say no that's not possible, it's not happening. Please assert yourself and don't let this happen.

Now it's time to mess with them a little. Next time they visit you, I'd be leaving shit marks in the toilet pan, dirty laundry washing everywhere and pile the dirty dishes all over your kitchen. You need to show them your house isn't a great option for a holiday home!