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Original poster

To question how this would work?

28 replies

Stressymadre · 16/09/2026 20:35

ExH I have been split for 6.5 years now. 2 kids (15 and 11). See dad one night a week and EOW, always been this way. A few times over the years the kids have asked for more time with him, he has always said no. A few years ago he asked to reduce contact as his GF didnt like them being there. I was happy to have them more but said he had to actually be honest as to why as I have always covered for him and I had had enough. He didnt change custody at that stage but did spend one night of his weekend with the kids "connecting" with said GF which meant them going upstairs early evening and kids being told to do their own thing and not disturb them.
Fast forward to now and him and GF have split up. He has their shared child (toddler) 50/50. When my kids are there they do a lot of looking after their sibling and occupying him. My youngest has come home in tears at how tired she is as she has spent her weekends looking after her sibling.
When the kids are meant to be with him, they are still here a lot of the time. Eldest doesn't like going so comes back a lot. Youngest pops by most days. They come to eat (he doesn't feed them well) And also get clothes and toiletries too as dad doesn't provide.

Anyway he has told me he can't afford maintenance anymore as his bills are too high (he earns into 6 figures for context) and he wants 50/50. I genuinely dont feel this in the kids' best interests but appreciate i may not get a choice. He said he has missed time with them these past few years so not just money related.

My question is, if we do switch to 50/50 what do I do about the fact the kids will still blatantly be here most of the time?! I do everything for them: dr, dentist, time off work when they're sick, lifts to clubs, parent's evenings. He does none of the actual parenting. I obviously want my kids here and dont want to turn them away but also dont want dad saying he is 50/50 without him actually doing that or fulfilling his 50% of parenting responsibilities.

OP posts:
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Raccoonswillonedayrevolt · 18/09/2026 12:43

It sounds like with having the toddler 50/50 he needs the older kids to help with that.

huuskymam · 18/09/2026 12:42

50/50 would be perfect for him. No maintenance and I can guarantee the week he has your kids will coincide with the week he has his other child. More free childcare for him. Let him take you to court, the kids are old enough to decide what they want and will be listened to.

Original poster
Stressymadre · 18/09/2026 12:20

Thanks everyone. No, I plan to fight this as I do not feel it is in their best interests at all. I do worry that the kids will be manipulated into saying they want 50/50 though, especially if they know that rhey can actually just come back here when they fancy it anyway! They had upset him and he plays poor daddy card very well.

As for maintenance that is a separate issue. Unfortunately he is one of those self employed ones who therefore already pays far less than he should, so I stand very little chance of getting anything through CMS. He stopped paying a few years back and when I got my solicitor involved he had actually stopped paying himself anything from his business as a way around it. He actually would regularly threaten with this in mediation... if I didn't give him the house, he would pay himself minimum wage so I got nothing and then would be starved out. Unfortunately it worked... i had to leave as couldn't pay my bills

OP posts:
Shouldgivethisup · 17/09/2026 23:13

Surely what’s in the best interests of your children is to have proper financial support?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/09/2026 23:04

Stressymadre · 17/09/2026 09:33

Thanks for the advice everyone. I agree it's not right for the kids but I need to see what they both want really. Neither is very good at being honest with their dad. Some is fear but a lot is because they don't like upsetting him.
What would you do in my shoes though if we go 50/50 on paper but kidsbare here most of the time? Tbh at the min it is technically 70/30 but it definitely isn't actually that. Do I just accept it as it it what is best for the kids and he gets out of supporting them?

Don’t go 50:50 on paper!

I mean if a court orders it (they wont, and he probably won’t go to court) then you’ll have to have it on paper, but if it was me I’d still let them be back at mine. But I would be flabbergasted if that did happen.

MCF86 · 17/09/2026 23:00

Tell him the kids only want to do it if it's a day together with their sibling and the rest is when the sibling is with the mum.
Bet he'll be less keen if they aren't full time childcare.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/09/2026 23:00

Don’t agree to 50:50!

He isn’t going to actually have the 50:50 either, unless he’s hoping to keep them there to be his childcare! He just doesn’t want to pay maintenance. Well that’s tough!

And as he doesn’t feed them properly (I mean wtf?) they’ll be back eating your food anyway.

I would move to reduce the time they’re with him officially tbh - especially as it sounds like they hate being there.

I do worry about the toddler reading this though- it’s not your problem but he sounds like an absolute negligent father!

Edit - meant to say, I’d be surprised if any court gave him 50:50 in this situation- your 15 yo definitely won’t be forced to be there any more than they want to, and your 11 yo’s views will also be listened to.

Boreded · 17/09/2026 22:57

Why switch to 50:50. He is a shit dad and the kids don’t want to be there.

Thingcanonlygetbetter · 17/09/2026 22:55

OP you win the prize for having one of the worst ex partners. He only wants his first family kids 50/50 so

  1. They will help care for the toddler (what a C u next Tuesday
  2. So he can cut payments to you What an absolute fecking dick! Do not let him bully you into this. My blood is boiling for you.
Mirsine · 17/09/2026 22:50

I wouldn’t send the kids to his house ever again.

It sounds like he doesn’t even like his kids, never mind love them!

Grumpyoldcat · 17/09/2026 22:49

He sounds like a right tool. Id suggest you ask the kids what they want to do and suggest that back. He also seems to be going for 50/50 only in order to reduce maintenance payments. Id consult solicitor before agreeing and make a note of what happens when they are there.

Elfie1976 · 17/09/2026 22:48

Sounds like he wants 50/50 so he can reduce maintenance payment 😏

aliceyyyy2654 · 17/09/2026 22:44

At this age courts will take the children’s preferences into account.

MJagain · 17/09/2026 22:39

Taytosambo · 17/09/2026 12:38

Why on earth are you working yourself into knots to please this man? He deserves nothing. He treats his kids like shit, refuses to help them financially and you're trying to problem solve for him? Tell him 50/50 isn't happening, let him take you to court...he won't. Ask your kids what they want and tell them to be brutally honest and you'll back them up whatever they want.

Show quote history

This.

just say no. Calculate CM based on the time he has had them in last 12 months.

let him take you to court for anything else. He won’t bother.

Taytosambo · 17/09/2026 12:38

Stressymadre · 17/09/2026 09:33

Thanks for the advice everyone. I agree it's not right for the kids but I need to see what they both want really. Neither is very good at being honest with their dad. Some is fear but a lot is because they don't like upsetting him.
What would you do in my shoes though if we go 50/50 on paper but kidsbare here most of the time? Tbh at the min it is technically 70/30 but it definitely isn't actually that. Do I just accept it as it it what is best for the kids and he gets out of supporting them?

Why on earth are you working yourself into knots to please this man? He deserves nothing. He treats his kids like shit, refuses to help them financially and you're trying to problem solve for him? Tell him 50/50 isn't happening, let him take you to court...he won't. Ask your kids what they want and tell them to be brutally honest and you'll back them up whatever they want.

Fidgety31 · 17/09/2026 09:40

No you do not just accept it because he has told you to.
Grow your backbone and say no.
if your kids can’t advocate for themselves then it is your job to do it for them .

he only wants 50/50 now so he won’t have to pay child support and he will have the older kids to watch the toddler. .

SUPerSaver721 · 17/09/2026 09:37

Can you speak to your children let them be honest with you and you then speak to him? They feel safe with you so can be truthful but dont have that relationship with their father so cant be honest with him.

Original poster
Stressymadre · 17/09/2026 09:33

Thanks for the advice everyone. I agree it's not right for the kids but I need to see what they both want really. Neither is very good at being honest with their dad. Some is fear but a lot is because they don't like upsetting him.
What would you do in my shoes though if we go 50/50 on paper but kidsbare here most of the time? Tbh at the min it is technically 70/30 but it definitely isn't actually that. Do I just accept it as it it what is best for the kids and he gets out of supporting them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stressymadre · 17/09/2026 09:26

SUPerSaver721 · 16/09/2026 21:12

What a horrible father making his children go upstairs early while him and his gf where downstairs. Hes probably only looking 50/50 the same days he has the toddler so they can mind him instead of him parenting 3 children. Do not allow him 50/50 your 2 children are old enough to decide what they want.

Oh it's worse than this... he and GF would go upstairs to their bedroom and kids had to stay downstairs!

OP posts:
Weirdpig · 16/09/2026 21:24

I also wouldn't mess around a 15 year old - they are mid GCSEs.

Ellie1015 · 16/09/2026 21:18

Absolutely not. He has current arrangement or less if the children want. He can take you to court if need be but doesnt sound like he will.

I suspect he doesnt want 50/50 he wants to stop paying so to be officially 50/50 knowing reality is they wont be there. Either way court want what is best for the children and at their age their views will be listened too.

Vaxtable · 16/09/2026 21:14

You tell him if he wants to change custody he goes to court. At the kids ages their wishes should be taken into account.

Then I would prepare by writing down every instance where he didn’t keep to the existing schedule, the fact you do everything for them in respect of schools, drs etc, that he has taken no interest. I would write down about the fact he wanted less time before.

I hope you currently do maintenance via CMS. If not I would formalise it so if necessary it’s taken at source

Weirdpig · 16/09/2026 21:13

There doesn't seem any good reason for you to agree. This is essentially a financial scam. I'd go to court, if he really wants to push it. The court will take your DC's views into account.

Sally2791 · 16/09/2026 21:12

Don’t let him get away with that shit. Ask DC what they want, and keep a diary of actual time spent in each home

SUPerSaver721 · 16/09/2026 21:12

What a horrible father making his children go upstairs early while him and his gf where downstairs. Hes probably only looking 50/50 the same days he has the toddler so they can mind him instead of him parenting 3 children. Do not allow him 50/50 your 2 children are old enough to decide what they want.