What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

@DarkSunshine From the mother of a child who is relentlessly verbally and physically bullied at school, thank you for taking this seriously.

Yes, I do think he should be punished by you and your DH as well as the school. (As for your DH's comment, being "wound up" is not excuse to punch someone in the head. He's lucky he didn't seriously injure or kill the other child. You and your DH need to be on the same page regarding the seriousness of this. The age of criminal responsibility in England is 10. Next time he does this, he could find himself with a much more serious punishment than losing a few breaktimes at school.)

If you are still here op, your DH needs to consider that he could be dating in 5 years, what happens when his gf/bf 'winds him up'

I would have dragged by the scruff of the neck around to his victims house to grovel an apology.

Really hope he doesn't habe a pet.

Yes he needs consequences from your husband should also refrain from victim blaming to justify his unacceptable behaviour. No wonder this is a repeat offence .

I havent read all the posts so dont know if someone has said this but I wouldnt so much be looking at further punishment but some sort of referral for therapy/ counselling around managing his anger would be more appropriate. You are clearly worried about his behaviour and this isnt a one off. Your son will only get bigger and stronger, this needs nipping in the bud now.

You absolutely need to follow up at home. Not only is he hurting other children, but if that's not enough for your husband, one day someone will hit him back harder and do some real damage.

Violence is not ok, you need to get to the root of it and nip it in the bud. One day he could be violent to either of you.

Start with requesting a meeting with the teacher to understand the scale and severity (or otherwise) of his behaviour and see what they recommend. Your DS won't be the first violent child they've dealt with and he won't be the last. See what strategies and resources the teachers recommends

Can’t get my head around the school not having had the Op and her husband on before to talk about their son’s very concerning behaviour.

Being terrified into understanding g the consequences may be just the thing he needs

You may not be able to force someone to have a conscience - but you can educate them on the consequences of their criminal behaviour. So even if there is no conscience (which I doubt), the consequences of criminal behaviour (assault) may deter them from acting in a conscience free violent manner

💯

A young man local to us killed another man and ruined his own life with one punch after fall out in a pub. Your sons behaviour needs to be taken seriously.

If was already 10 he would be looking at a potential criminal record.

He also needs to understand that, particularly at secondary school, he may well come across children who do martial arts and if he tries to punch them in the face could block his punch but then punch him or kick him to put him on the ground to stop him attacking them.

He needs stronger consequences. I'd also be speaking to him trying to find out why he acts like this.

All of which might make you feel like you were doing something, but would not move the child one single step closer to being able to resist the urge to hit next time he's in a pressured situation where he loses his temper.

So I guess OP's approach depends on whether she wants to make herself feel better at the expense of her son, or whether she wants to help him learn how to not hit people in future.

The rugby boys were the worst culprits bullying my son so I would avoid the toxic masculine culture that goes along with it.

Boxing and martial arts usually instil better respect and discipline for troubled kids

Honestly? If this was my kid I’d rip them a new one. I agree with you. He’d be shouted at, grounded, pocket money stopped for a month at least, gadgets taken away and gentle parenting be damned.

I think fathers do tend to minimise this behaviour from sons. They want them to be strong physically and not show weakness with peers. The reality is ops dh probably secretly feels the son has done little wrong and doesnt want to discourage him from fighting/sticking up for himself.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from OP because I would be horrified and devastated too, and would feel so awful for the child who was hit.

That being said, I don't think approaching this from the perspective of shaming your son is going to help. Worrying about prison and him not having a conscience is wide of the mark; LOTS of children struggle with control and emotional regulation, and lash out as a result. Of course that doesn't make it ok, but it does mean it's a solvable problem.

You can't teach a child emotional regulation by telling him he'll end up in prison one day. When he loses his temper and hits someone, he isn't thinking about long term consequences. He is acting irrationally from a place where he is out of control. Your job is to help him with techniques to build emotional regulation so that when he's feeling stress or pressure, he can make alternative choices which don't involve hitting.

This is why something like martial arts training might help him - of course you fear it will just make him better at hitting, but actually a lot of the training kids receive in these sports is about controlling your feelings, planning your actions, and maintaining self control. These could be very helpful for him.

I think you should approach him from a place of empathy. Not one which tells him it's not his fault - you're right to firmly uphold the position that hitting is unacceptable, and his punishment by the school is fair. But don't make him feel he's a monster to you. Tell him you understand that in the moment he loses control, that lots of kids struggle with this too. He's not alone in this challenge, and it's not insurmountable. Tell him you're going to help him learn methods for better emotional regulation, so that in future when he feels that way he can make better choices.

And then do your research - find what works for him. The key to emotional regulation is you have to practice it when they're calm and ready to learn, so that it becomes almost habitual. Try researching breathing exercises, yoga, the squeeze-release reset, the anger thermometer, etc. Try reading The Explosive Child, it's an excellent book.

This problem won't be solved by anger or shame, but it is solvable.

The school have punished him for the behaviour, which was at school, so I don't think you should add to the 'punishment' as such by extra sanctions at home.

Instead, imo you need to be talking to him, getting to the root of what happened, teaching him anger management techniques and reinforcing to him why physical violence is a complete red line and what will happen to him in life and in relationships if it is one he continues to cross.

DS (same age) has problems with getting physical when provoked (maybe not punching though). It doesn't help that he is small and gets easily wound up - an easy target. What I learnt the hard way is that punishment doesn't actually help much. He doesn't want to push or kick anyone in the first place, he just can't recognise and cope with anger and frustration when it happens. He feels very sorry and bad about himself afterwards but it's too late. We've been working of tools and techniques he could use and things are a LOT better. In fact, I recently had a chance to observe him with a group of friends when the situation wasn't going his way at all and he coped with it SO well - I was amazed.

OP you sound like a great and thoughtful mother trying to deal with an unpleasant situation. Simply put I would have consequences at home for some time. That might be no TV or whatever else is a 'treat' for perhaps a month. In terms of martial arts I'd advocate Judo or something like that. It's far more about defence or self control than 'fighting'. It's been great for my two teenagers and I feel safe that my daughter, who is now off to university, has some good self defence skills.

Good luck!

Would there be an opportunity for him to apologise to the other child, with you and the other kids parents present? I think the absolute shame and mortification of this might stay with him longer than a few missed break times tbh. As a parent I would want him to see his behaviour through- OK you did something very wrong, now you have to do something extremely uncomfortable. This is what happens.

You are right, that reaction/level of violence at such a young age is shocking. Maybe work on anger management with him?

I would be absolutely furious if one of my children done this and no I do not think missing break is enough. He should also be loosing something at home and he writing a letter to the child apologising. Just because he was wound up doesn’t give him the right to attack another child. If I was the other child’s parent I would be pushing for suspension.