What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

Crazy that the majority of parents on this thread whose children have assaulted another child lead with “he was winding him up”. Excuses.
No your DC is a violent mini thug that needs to be reined it.
I would say around 90% of young children in primary manage to get through school without assaulting a child.

He’d take it seriously if his own son was the one getting punched and, say for example, he fell and hit his head on the corner of a table and got brain damaged. Maybe try telling him something like that. Because as others have said, one punch can do a lot of damage. I’m really sensitive about people minimising ‘playground’ violence after my DS age 8 had his front teeth broken by an idiot playing some stupid game which involved pushing his head down on a table. Casual pushing and shoving can similarly be very dangerous. Can’t stand it!

Sorry OP, I’m late to the thread and I know it’s your husband who needs telling, not you. I think the school’s response is far too weak, but it’s to be expected. I would definitely come down harder at home and I wish you all the best in dealing with this.

My son has SEN so maybe slightly different but no amount of punishment has ever had a positive effect as when he is upset and frustrated and disregulated consequences are far from his mind. I think you need to find out more about the why and find help and support to deal with anger management. I recognise the need to be in control element from my DC and I think there is a lot of anxiety underneath that - we are thinking about play therapy as recommended by a psychologist we saw.

My son is much younger than yours but we have had frank chats about the fact that hitting another person is something a grown up would go to prison for.

When he hit another child in school (yes they were winding him up) we had a decent chat about what happened and what he could have done differently, followed by a lban from screen time and an apology to the other child + the reflection the school organised.

No. The OPs DS could’ve stood his ground and verbally answered back - that’s like for like. But punching is an escalation. And as you’re keen on consequences, that’s what the school have applied and what the OP is also considering.

If everyone thought they were entitled to punch someone because they didn’t like what was said, it’d be quite frankly a scary world for children to be brought up in.

I am guessing that it is not as bad as it seems for the school to be so mild in punishment.

I am not in favour of compound punishments, they give the wrong message - he will hear that the world is against him, but your disapproval does need to be clear.

BUT you do need to sit down with him and get the full story from his point of view. Was this the final straw towards a child who constantly needles him? Or was that child just the one who delivered the final insult in a row of them? Bullied children often snap in an explosive way, but not always against the main perp.
Having said that, you need to have discussions about managing his fists. Is he quite big or strong for his age? or perhaps small and needing to stand up for himself?
If he IS being bullied, his tactic is about reporting every time, and the school being made aware.
If that is not the case, and he has anger management issues, you say no SEN, but perhaps your SENCo can help with anger management tactics? One of those is use your words - it does seem that the child who started it is good at using his to hurt,

So violence is a reasonable response to someone saying something that upsets you?

Wow.

In 7 or 8 years time is he going to be that guy in a pub who punches someone who ‘wound him up’? That person he hits could fall, bang their head and die. One punch is all it takes.

I think at the very least you should be making him apologise to the boy and his parents. Either taking him round their house, at the school gates or getting their number and have him call them. That boy must be feeling quite awful after having been attacked like that. You seem like a good mum though who is trying to put it right, a lot of parents wouldn’t bother

Sounds like other boy deserved a good hiding! He sounds a spiteful child saying your don was useless at a game.
Said boy needs to learn nasty words carry consequences, this time it was a punch in face

Kudos to you, OP, for identifying how serious this is and not trying to excuse it with SEN issues or the like. My friend’s son was very aggressive, and she got a police officer to come round and explain the eventual consequences of uncontained anger and violence. Could you call your local police station and see if they’ll do same?
But you’re right - you and DH need to be on same page.

You need to work with school here to understand exactly what happened and the full behavioural context. You then need a plan that you and school jointly draw up to help him to manage his anger and understand that what he did is completely unacceptable. School have been very lenient here. If he does this in year 7 he will be permanently excluded and will end up in a PRU.

This is sobering

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/elizabeth-line-worker-dead-punch-37670766?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=main&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=Iwb21leAUZFuRjbGNrBRkW2XBkb2YFZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQMMzUwNjg1NTMxNzI4AAEeAFxQDOMFAMCHyufJw0UcuMVMdAzXA75xDz5BgM6krdekouMonYE3tuZ3nvg_aem_lGW1GzXxuTZoC_I571PaDw#Echobox=1789630967

Exactly this. I'd imagine that boys dad is pretty wound up at his son being assaulted, would your husband be fine with the other dad punching him? Somehow I doubt that.

He absolutely needs more consequences at home because he cannot be allowed to be a violent thug.

@DarkSunshine honestly, based on what you've posted - talk to your son and take it from there. And have a word to your husband, because it should be him talking to your son but he sounds a bit useless.

I'd just ignore all the stuff people are posting about the police and the possible awful ends your son will come to. If your 9 year old son punched my 9 year old son in the face, I'd be livid with your son, but I'd want the whole story. I wouldn't even consider phoning the police, for many reasons but including that surely they'd laugh me off the phone. 9 years old, for god sake.

I know a boy who was very much like this at 10(and younger) Domineering, lashing out if he felt he was being wound up etc. Actually a really lovely, bright and articulate boy 1:1 and when things were going exactly his way. School and parents said anger issues but nothing constructive eg counselling, play therapy was ever done about it.

This boy is about 14 now, excluded from 2 secondary schools, at a PRU. A few months ago his friends filmed him chasing down then kicking and punching an elderly man who had challenged them about vandalising a war memorial. He then boasted about it on Snapchat. Absolutely horrific.

I don't want to scaremonger @DarkSunshine but this could be your DS in a few years. I would never have expected this boy to go so badly of the rails. If it was my DS I would throw as much money I could afford into proper therapeutic support to help him grow up to be a decent human being who doesn't resort to violence.

I'd really urge you to consider this as well OP. Me, my parents, my husband, and now my daughter, have been involved in various martial arts clubs over the years - respect & control are always paramount and they'll teach de-escalation over violence.

My initial response to your title was "It very much depends what the other kid did" but a bit of "winding up" and saying he's not good at a game absolutely does not deserve what your DS did.

Yes, school are segregating him for not long enough.

I'd be calling the police and arranging for him to be spoken to and scare the living daylights out if him. In circumstances like this, where parents are being pro active, they can be an excellent help in preventing further crimes. And you can bet your life, if I was the parent of the child he had assaulted, the police would have already been called!

Do you mean, is it my husband I actually think might be a psycho?? No. What a leap from what I've posted here.

That's not the logical conclusion you're framing it as. I have kids, and yet, I disagree with you. I don't think, on the basis of what the OP's posted, it's likely her son has a long and serious history of anything. It's possible. But it's also possible she's upset and catastrophising.

I've had moments of wondering about many people - are they a psychopath? Myself included, actually, when I feel especially burn out. I only know one person I'm actually convinced is a psychopath, and it's not because of their physically violent acts. I really do think it's possible the OP is having one of these moments. Oh god, I've screwed up as a parent. My son will end up with his own wikipedia page.

Except that she's explicitly said this incident is the worst thing he's done and previous times he's been in trouble school have said it's six of one, half a dozen of the other... so not psychopathic but just stupid/ impulsive.

Why indeed. We could speculate all sorts of things from the OP's information and lack thereof.

Why has she written nothing whatsoever about what her son said when she talked to him?

We only know what she said and what his dad said to her.

Why don't we know what her son said?

As he's average academically he almost certainly has language...

Can he reflect?

Did he say " He was winding me up and deserved it, I'm not sorry."? That might be why the OP thinks he has no conscience, but actually is more likely to be defensive bravado.

It's multiple times more likely the year 5 child has an impulse control issue than a personality disorder, but if he did have a personality disorder it would need specialist intervention - you absolutely cannot remove a personality disorder by grounding the individual and taking away their toys/ tech! Nor can you address an impulse control problem with punishment successfully.

@Darksunshine talk to your child, but more importantly listen to him, then talk to the school - ideally class teacher and senco - about strategy.

He might need a behaviour plan including being aware of sanctions which will be implemented if he is aggressive again, but also needs to urgently include strategies for him to implement instead of hitting.

It's really questionable that you haven't told us what he said - even if it was that he refused to talk or was defensive.

Of course it isn't impossible he's being verbally bullied and lacks the social skills or confidence to deal with it in any way but physically.