AIBU to go to a concert while my husband’s mum is dying?

Having lost a parent to cancer, I'd want my DH to go out and have a nice evening with a friend, especially a friend who needs the night out, too.

Sitting at home waiting every single night isn't a reasonable requirement ... OP will be feeling the stress of it all, too, in her desire/effort to support her husband. A night off isn't unreasonable or unwarranted.

My mum died unexpectedly, she had terminal cancer but she wasn't deemed at the end of her life. I was so grateful my husband was there when I got the phone call as we have 2 young children. I know your situation is different as it is expected but I think you should be there and available to support him. If your friend can't understand why you would be cancelling then I'm afraid she isn't a friend.

It's between you and your dh, people are different.
Some want their spouse/ loved ones to 'rally' round. Others want them to carry on as normal. Just ask your dh.

Whatever DH wanted me to do, I would do. I’d probably approach it with him by saying ‘I won’t be going to xyz because I want to be here for you’ and just take it from there. I don’t think I could genuinely have fun knowing what he was going through.

Do the right and compassionate thing and be there for your husband. Do you love him?

I would prioritise my DH. Yes fair enough you don't like your MIL perhaps for very good reason but your DH's going through his mum who he's close with dying, how would you feel if he did that to you? As for your friend, she should really understand and I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with the kind of person who wouldn't

This. It is not the case that everybody who is faced with somebody close to them dying wants or needs their other half with them at all times in the lead up to or at the precise moment of death. I've actually found it quite irritating before to have people who weren't as close to the deceased hanging around for the sake of it and acting like being bereaved means I'm incapable of looking after myself or that I need reminding to feel upset. But that's me and I'm aware I'm in a minority; the OP's husband just might be too though.

Am I crazy? I automatically thought, "Nah, probably skip the holograms of Abba this one time." But everyone else seems to think it's fine. I'm not having a go, more genuinely curious.

I do think talking with your dh is the key here.

My dh first wife was away for the weekend when his dm died. It was expected. He rang to tell her.thought she would come back to support him. She did not. Of course there were many reasons the marriage did not last but this was a contributory factor.

Doesn't matter how you get on with her. Its whether you want to be there for him or not that matters.

Whether you can relate or not, surely you can empathise. Why can’t you go to the hospice? I had a friend offer to sit with me when my mum was dying even though she hadn’t met her which although I turned down, I appreciated. Does your husband have anyone else? When my mil was dying I went to see her and my (now ex)husband and his brother stayed. I wad dealing with DS. He did similar when my mum died. What does your husband need from you? If your friend thinks you are being flakey if you don’t go, she’s not much of a friend. That said, if your give her a bit of notice, she’s not much may be able to find someone to take your place if your husband would like your support. Not knowing your mil very well is neither here nor there.

And calling it 'abandoned' when your spouse's mum is dying is pretty piss poor judgement.

Death, husband, family to actually trump a friend in this situation, regardless of not having a baby/man or whatever. These are not important when facing situations like the OP's husband.

If you have children at home young enough to not be able to go an entire evening without asking for anything, I would not go.

When my mother died I was actually traveling with my daughter. I got the message when we stopped for a break. I had to keep driving for several hours until I could hand her off to DH and just collapse. That is all I needed, to collapse and do nothing while he took over the parenting.

her death was not a surprise. We knew it was coming. We just didn’t know the moment.

I think I just wouldn't go. Her death is imminent - do you really want to be at a concert while your Dh is going through this?

Your DH is obviously very close to her, seeing her several times a week. I would choose to support him, and see your friend another time. Perhaps if you give the ticket away one of her other friends would be happy to go? I hate to let friends down, my friends are so important to me, but this is a time when you can't let that bother you. Of course your friend will be disappointed but she will understand.

Friend who has been dumped and struggling mentally vs life partner with a parent on the deathbed...
Husband would come first for me. Even if his mum doesn't die that night, you should still be there for him if he needs support and someone to talk to.

Your friend might depend on fun nights out for her mental health, but realistically it's not urgent for her to attend this concert, going in a couple of weeks will serve the same purpose.

No, your relationship with your MIL has nothing to do with this situation, it's your relationship with your husband that counts. Be there for him, no? If your friend doesn't understand then she isn't a good friend which would be a shame with all the consideration you give her.

At this moment in time, no, stay with your husband. You may be sitting around, but you'll be sitting around until he needs you - goes a long way. I am quite astonished that you're even considering going to the gig tbh.

If your friend wouldn’t take kindly to you cancelling in these circumstances she is one selfish mare.
i wouldn’t ask your husband if he wants you to stay at home, that’s putting the decision on him at an already stressful time. I’d suggest to him you were thinking about cancelling the concert, you’ll know by his reaction what he would like you to do, but only so this if you are happy to cancel. Doing it begrudgingly is not great

So OP goes out with her friend to keep her happy and risks not being there for her DH when he might need her the most?
I think I’d support my DH with the prospect of loosing his mum over my friend who is upset she doesn’t have a BF

does your friend live close enough to you so that you could have her round for supper? Your DH will be out of course, poor man. I’m sure she would welcome the chance for a night chatting even if it’s not as expected. So sorry, what a sad time x

I’d cancel it, your husband comes first

What does your DH say - and how does he act - when you mentioned it ?

Of course you should go - you have no idea exactly when she will die. Has he asked you not to go? What is his reasoning?

Hmm, no. Insensitive but funny.

Obviously the OP should ask her husband what he thinks and do what he suggests

I’d cancel.

The idea that my partner’s mum might die and he comes home to an empty house, or me not there to support him immediately afterward, is more unbearable than letting a friend down.

I've voted YANBU. Three years ago today we had tickets to a show with several other people. That morning my DM was admitted to hospital with an undiagnosed problem - possible stroke? She was in an assessment ward and we were not able to stay with her and I really did not want to go to the show. But I was persuaded to go. I had my phone off of course but was able to check every 10 minutes and there was no contact from the hospital. If the hospital had wanted me I was with four people who would have taken me there straight away.

To me, it sounds like your DH's relationship with his DM is something he handles on his own. What does he want from you right now? If he is saying "please stay home" then do what he asks but if he is happy for you to go then do it.

Any decent friend would understand