AIBU to go to a concert while my husband’s mum is dying?

Yes and her being 40 childless and having been left by the person she wanted to have children with - well join the real world I guess lots of women are in similar cirx - she sounds weak how many women does
she think are in this situation and have to rely on themselves? Sounds like she's been enabled... harsh but true

What about the husbands feelings? Do his not matter?

Yeah, it's crap that op has to be in this position, but if its a case of immediately being on hand to support a spouse through the death of a parent, or a night out with a friend, I know which I'd prioritise.

And I know that all of my friends would accept their own disappointment/internal devastation if my decision was to stay home to be available for my husband. It would be a selfish person to not be able to rationalise their disappointment and upset in this scenario. Of course their feelings matter but sometimes, unfortunately, other things have to come first

Also, its shit for the friend if they do get all dressed up and set off for the night out, and then op potentially cancels just before or leaves part way through cos the dhs mum has died. Or should she still stay out with friend, so as not to upset her and disrupt her friends night out?

I’d agree, it’s just plain weird and I know we hate to mention ‘what would the vote be if the sexes were reversed’ but you’ve got to ask that question.

tbh I think this would be the death knell of my relationship, if my husband had done this to me. It would have shown where his priorities lay, it would sit with me and build such a huge resentment.

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to. I would worry about my relationship if I felt I might be able to enjoy myself out with a friend while DP was going through that. My place would be with him.

It's not putting my "life on hold," it's being there. It's showing up. Don't let him down.

@HonestGoldAnt I've been in this situation and my husband wanted us all to carry on as normal, we knew she would pass away, had all said our goodbyes. Even his sibling continued with her short holiday. We are quite practical people and have a close family so there was always someone around. We were both very close to his mum. We were also told it would be days, and it was 5 weeks!

Its literally a couple of hours max he wouldnt be able to speak to you so its not like you're not contactable for days.

I think if your DH said he needed you there then that is totally different. I dont think anyone could advise you on the Internet one way or another really.

I personally dont think you are unreasonable in going if your DH is fine with it but if he says he needs you then I think you should stay. There are so many people on here saying your husband will need you, but actually not everyone is like this and there is some serious projection going on.

This really is "one of those" moments in marriage IMO. That you look back on and feel that you was supported or not and it stops with you.
My husband was with me in the aftermath of my parents dieing (they hadn't been ill) and I'll never forget how he was with me.
You married your husband not your friend.

If she has days left it could be anytime. Ask your husband what he would like you to do but tbh you shouldnt even be asking this question at a time of great upset for him. Its irrelevant how many times you met her or even whether you liked her, she is his mother. There are other times you could go to the concert. It is by his side you need to be not your friends.

He's the OP's husband! 5 years is a significant marriage. It has nothing to do with the MIL or the OP's relationship with her. This is about the OP being present for her husband.

Supporting her friend is just not relevant while her husband is experiencing what will likely be one of the worst weeks of his life. I don't know if you've ever cared for someone as they've died. Perhaps it's harder to understand what it's like if you haven't. It can be deeply traumatising and not at all peaceful. I used a syringe driver to provide the final medication which ended the life of my loved one when they died at home. The noises, the pain, the excretions, the physical labour and the fear have stayed with me a few years later. Going through that without support because your wife has gone to a concert to support a friend would be pretty unforgivable for me. This experience isn't the same as a friend going through a hard time over a longer term issue - it's just not.

YABU for listing all the reasons you should go and not talking about your OH and how they feel or might want or need.

It's not just about the friend "acting negativity". She could be totally understanding towards OP, but still internally devastated at missing something she was looking forward to (which is what gets you through when life has dealt you a shit hand).

It's odd that there are comments like this, as if the friend's actions are all that matters and sod her feelings.

I think i would go....unless its part of a short break some distance away or something? If it's literally just one evening/night it probably won't coincide with her actual death anyway, and if nothing happened and you could have gone that would be frustrating with both you and your poor friend who is clearly looking forward to it.

I think if on the offchance it happened whilst you were away though, it mignt be a good idea to warn friend and if DH needed you then to leave and go home to support him.

Is there a reason you and her aren't close yet her and your DH still see each other regularly? Has she been unkind to you?

Yes. Those of us who married in good faith. Im divorced, only because my ex cheated. It was my friends who got me through that shit show. My long standing friends but also my newer friends. I am normal. But I now know that my nearest and dearest can and will cause total disruption if that suits their needs.

I don't think I would be able to enjoy a night out with a friend if my partner was going through a major life event like the death of a parent, but given your list of excuses for prioritising her I probably wouldn't be expecting to have much fun with her anyway?

You know your husband better than us, so you ought to know what he needs from you without him (or us) having to spell it out. You just want permission from the internet to do what you want to do without feeling bad about it.

When my dad was dying, I’d have been happy for my OH to have a night out. There wouldn’t be much he could do sitting home alone while I was at the hospice for many hours every day.

However, we had young children at the time so I did need him to be around, and he was. He held the fort at home while I was with dad. He also was the one to support my mum when I had to phone her to tell her that dad had died, as my brother and I were both at the hospice. (Mum had advanced terminal cancer herself and while she did spend time at the hospice with dad, she couldn’t be there all the time while he was dying as she needed rest).

I still feel tearful when I think about how my DH took time off work to juggle all the school runs, the cooking, the laundry, the bath times and bedtimes and then physically held my poor mum up when I told her the news. (He went on to do it all again two months later when mum was dying. He’s an absolute champ).

So unless there are children who need looking after, or other practical things you can do to support your OH, I think it’s fine to go out.

They’ve only been married 5 years… oh of course! If I’d realised that I’d realise he doesn’t really count! He’s just a short term husband, friends are way more important.
out of interest, how long do you have to be married in your book for a husband (or wife, obviously) to be someone who matters, someone you should prioritise when they’re going through something enormous like the loss of a parent?

There is a toxic positivity on here in regards to people unreasonable supporting the o.p

This isn't a choice between your MiL and your friend.

It's between you supporting your OH or your friend. Have you assessed your OH's needs as you've done your friends?

If the friend acted negatively towards op for cancelling due to wanting to support her husband at this time, then the friend isn't worth having.

I'd be shocked if anyone didn't understand a cancellation for wanting to be around for your husband whilst he is at his mums deathbed.

That's not always the way. Both my father and father in law had syringe drivers for several weeks before they died.

They've only been married 5 years, shorter time than the friendship. The fact that the op has barely met her MIL suggests that all is not quite well with the broader family relationship. OP needs to be careful not to lose friendships. OP might not be having fun at the concert, more being there to support her friend, with a LONGSTANDING commitment.

For better for worse, just knowing you'll be home when he gets back is comforting in itself.
Being with someone, even if no words are said makes a huge difference.
Be there for him as a loving partner.

You not being close to your MIL is irrelevant !!
I’m presuming you’re close to your husband, it’s him you should be there for .
So fucking what if you’re just waiting at home for him to get home from Hospice???.
Being completely honest your “ life goes on “ , is a pretty shitty thing to say aswel .

I don’t think you should go.
Probably one of the biggest/worst things that will happen to your husband, irrespective of his childhood.
just be there. Not for MiL - for your husband.

Actually no I don’t. I don’t see how one evening at what is a short concert (admittedly we don’t know the travel times) equates to “not being there” for her husband who’s need for support will be ongoing after his mum dies. Not hanging around like a lemon every waking moment doesnt mean shes abandoned him. If he’s up at the hospice every night he may not even be at home until the OP is anyway. Obviously if mum dies or they get the call that it’s going to happen today that’s different.

People also seem to have forgotten that the OP lost her own parents when she was very young but the compassion doesn’t seem to extend that far.

I think it would be poor form not to be there to support your husband. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself with that going on in the background anyway.