AIBU to go to a concert while my husband’s mum is dying?

The friend is a grown woman and the OP isn’t solely responsible for her happiness. The OP’s husband’s mother is dying, with only days left to live.

Of course the husband's feelings matter - which is why, as many have pointed out, OP should talk to him. But no one is saying his feelings don't matter! I just noticed a few posts mentioning how friend may act, whereas OP is considering her feelings.

I would understand if a friend cancelled on me in these circumstances, but it would still be upsetting if that was something keeping me going through a difficult time. Being able to understand doesn't make those feelings go away (especially as it may remind you that you don't have a special someone for tough times like bereavement).

If I was in the husband's position, I would feel hurt if OP was merely off on a jolly, but would feel differently if I knew the friend's situation and knew OP was being supportive to her. (Although still totally understandable if the DH wants OP to not go.)

I agree, to an extent. I'm not religious so I believe I won't know what happens after I die. I'm not uncomfortable with that thought, I'm pragmatic about it. It's why I'm so pro-organ donation and why I think donating your body to science is a great idea too. If you can do something useful post-death that will benefit people that will come after you, why not? But funerals, and this is just my opinion, aren't for the dead. They're so the living can remember the person they've lost.

Where did I say it was??? I was referring to the part I quoted and agreeing to said poster. Nowhere did I imply that was what was happening in OP’s situation.

I was speaking of how I would feel in what the poster I was replying to described.

I also said upthread it depends on what the spouse with the sick relative would want and that it differs from person to person and some would not want or expect a spouse to standby just in case, miss something when they may not have to.

How many days would you follow this rule for?

Concert's been and gone, to those replying.

It’s a few hours and you aren’t at the hospice anyway. You should go.

I think I would stay to be there for DH in this case. If anything were to happen or if he needs support it’s slightly more important than your friends situation

try ND with an abusive father.
but i don't see the point of funerals - i have told my children not to bother with me, get me a bench in a park if they really want, and i am looking into donating my body to science, cut me up, do whatever after taking useful organs out.
i'll be dead, who cares?

It’s like there is some kind of competition on here for who can be the most callous…

It's all about what your DH wants and what is the right thing to do in your specific relationship.

I speak as someone who went to a concert on the night my father died. I wrestled with what to do - at that point we assumed it would be days but didn't really know. My mother and other family members encouraged me to keep living in the moment, knowing how much I'd been looking forward to this particular event. I'm glad I went to the gig but equally I wasn't completely present - constantly checking my phone and ready to leave if I had to. As it happened, dad died in the early hours of the morning following the concert.

But my point is that this was the right decision for me and with the blessing of my mum and sister. If they had begged me to stay with them so we were all by his side constantly for those days, then of course I would have cancelled.

Well i went to a concert two days after my father's funeral, and would have missed the funeral for the concert if the dates hadn't matched. why would I miss out for a dead person? they don't give a shit

Everyone is different @TheWonderhorse . I wouldn’t have wanted my OH to sit at home alone for all those hours and days I spent at the hospice (unless that’s how he was choosing to spend his time anyway). I sort of needed some aspects of life to just carry on as normal. I knew my DH was heartbroken for me, whether he was at home or work or the pub, and that he would have immediately dropped everything if I asked him to. As it was, we had small children so he had to be at home, but if we hadn’t, I would have asked him to go about his day as normal and that I would call him as and when I needed him.

I’m still not clear on whether the OP has discussed this with her DH to see what he wants.

But this isn't what's happening. It's not like OP is following him around insisting on holding his hand. She's waiting at home while her husband is at the hospice. Being available should he need her. I have friends I would cancel a night out for. It's hardly a massive sacrifice.

I find it a bit weird that all the "nope youd have to tear me from his side and anyone saying otherwise is a shit wife" posters are effectively saying that they would ignore the preferences of the person they are apparently so insistent on supporting.

Same.

If DH ignored my preferences, I would not find it sweet or a testament for how much he cares. It would be to me him putting his own preferences before mine and/or a show to others so he is deemed as supportive in their eyes because that’s what’s expected by some even when someone has clearly stated their own preferences.

I see your point, but I think I’d do it both ways. If my partner and I were going to see Abba/King Lear and a close friend called me in tears because their parent was dying, I wouldn’t go. Seeing an event is nice, but it’s just one night and can be rearranged. Something like a parent dying is obviously much more significant. I think I look at it from the perspective that I’d hope my partner would be there for me in that situation too. Not that they should give up their whole life, but I’d want them to understand what I needed without me having to ask. But I appreciate every relationship is different.

I dont think anyone on the whole thread has said just a blanket "Fuck him, I'd go to the concert regardless" though, have they? The most they've said was "if my DH wanted me to go, I'd go."

I find it a bit weird that all the "nope youd have to tear me from his side and anyone saying otherwise is a shit wife" posters are effectively saying that they would ignore the preferences of the person they are apparently so insistent on supporting. Not only are some of those posts coming across as hugely judgmental, it shows a lack of imagination and, ironically, empathy to not be able to understand that everyone is different, particularly in relation to grief. Some people are completely fine with being alone for a few hours and would even prefer it to have a bit of time to process things.

Spot on

Yes because I made that comment and stand by it. I would take Abba holograms over Shakespeare any day. You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to see King Lear. Zzz. Don't presume snobbery.

I really don't think the event matters?

I'd be surprised if someone prioritised any sort of night out over staying home with husband when his mum has days left to live.

If this was DH and me, we'd encourage each other to carry on, understanding that there could be a long wait and nothing the other person can usefully do - but that we're very much there for each other. DH decided to go to NYC on a work trip when my DM was at a similar stage. But that's just us. Do what's right for your marriage.

Agree with all of this.

I wouldn’t want to dwell on something I can’t change and is inevitable. I wouldn’t want my husband sitting around with me of waiting for me to possibly break down in tears. That’s not me. When I have lost family members, I’ve just gone off on my own and done some thing that I find calming/soothing. He knows I’m the type that needs to be alone and come to terms and then I’m good and I know he’ll be the opposite needing way more comfort and support than I would require.

My parents are similar to me. It really depends on the person.

If your Mum was dying, would you expect your DH to be there for you and not prioritise his mates at this incredibly difficult time in your life?

I’d stay and be with my husband. I needed my DH there when my parents died. But, do what you feel best.

If we're talking "what would the answers be if the question was slightly different" then I have to admit Ive been wondering if there's an element of MN snobbery here...as evidenced by the earlier post in the chain you were replying to. If instead of "holograms of abba" it was "tickets to King Lear" would there be quite so much judging of the OP?