Page 5 | How would you have handled this? SEND toddler in community centre.

Vni8w · 2026-09-16T15:27:29+00:00

Just interested to know how you would have handled this? My toddler is starting nursery. They're on the spectrum and we've had to really stagger their settling in sessions over a few weeks starting with just an hour a day. The nursery is attached to a community centre and I've been asked to wait there during the sessions in case I am needed. So for the past 3 days I've come with my other child (a baby), and fed them both lunch, then dropped off the toddler next door at the nursery. The community centre has been used only by a teenage boy and who I assume is his tutor every day I've come in. They're sat down by the time we arrive. My toddler is prone to short but intense meltdowns, and it's a often struggle to feed them. Today, they were refusing to eat and were crying and screaming for no more than 5 minutes. I was trying to console them during this time. A lady in her early 50s approached me from the reception area during the screaming and I stupidly assumed she wanted to try and calm my child. Instead she said to me, word for word: "Would it be possible for her to calm down please ". A minute or two after she approached me, my child was okay and I proceeded to feed them. They did not meltdown again, and after a further 10 minutes, I dropped them off next door at the nursery. My other child was napping the rest of the time. I was so taken aback, I didn't really know how to respond. I said something like "I wish it was possible" then asked her if she wanted us to leave. Will take my child in with their lanyard next time, but wondered how people managed such incidents with their SEND children. Many thanks

MintGr33n · 17/09/2026 06:57

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Taking a distressed child with send out on the street is a ludicrous and dangerous idea. She was told to go there by the nursery. Community centres are for everybody. Op needs to contact the nursery and community centre manager to explain the pressures she’s under whilst using the community centre, to check inclusivity policies with both settings and to ask for the nursery to come up with a solution.

likelysuspect · 17/09/2026 06:56

StockingsByTheFire · 16/09/2026 19:40

@Vni8w

In answer to your question though, I think I'd be asking myself a few questions.

Two hours of bus journeys every day, with a baby , in order that an older sibling can do an hour, maybe two of the only nursery that will allow my other child to attend. Is it sustainable? Is it good for the baby?

Learn to drive? Options will dramatically increase.

Why can't the toddler eat a large, early lunch at home, then have a decent snack just as they go in for their session? They should be able to function for several hours after their lunch, plus a snack as well - plus it doesn't sound like these are very long sessions, they can have a snack on the way home too.

Is the nursery part of the community centre? You say it's attached and they've asked you to wait there. Or is that it's nearby but nothing to do with them and they've suggested there, because it sounds like it's in the middle of nowhere, you can't drive, and you have to wait about. I only ask because there must be many screaming children at the nursery, and yet none of these are affecting the other child who is studying?

What did you actually do to stop your child screaming? You say the baby slept through the whole thing, so what steps were you taking? What would this have looked like to an observer, as someone seems very unlikely to approach and ask you to do something, if you looked like you were trying to do something?

Is this the first time this has happened?

With any of my children, whether it was one with SEN or not, prolonged screaming, or any form of prolonged behaviour that might be distressing others, is not acceptable in public places. With one of my SEN DC, the reason behind it is absolutely genuine, but it isn't justification to pretend it's ok and get angry at anyone who is disturbed by the noise. Just because it's out of my child's control to do anything about it doesn't mean I should pretend the same applies to me.

Just to be clear, when people get cross about things like this, they aren't getting cross at the children. They're getting cross with the adult. At what is coming across as no visible effort to parent.

Exactly this, take the child outside into a different environment, firstly the change of environment is a catalyst for change, secondly fresh air is good for regulation, lastly you're being proactive.

MintGr33n · 17/09/2026 06:53

parkezvous · 17/09/2026 06:47

SEN or not sorry OP if you’re disturbing others you should try and not do so in whatever way you can.

She was

Owninterpreter · 17/09/2026 06:51

I dont understand why people are suggesting she was usung the space inappropriately by being in there at all or feeding the child.

The receptionist asked her to calm her child down, not to leave or stop feeding the child.

And when she asked it was ok in advance the person said it was a space for everyone to use and the attached nursery suggested it also as suitable.

I dont get the impression the use of the space was the issue, just the meltdown and what to do to minimise the impact of that.

likelysuspect · 17/09/2026 06:49

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parkezvous · 17/09/2026 06:47

SEN or not sorry OP if you’re disturbing others you should try and not do so in whatever way you can.

babyproblems · 17/09/2026 06:41

Erm kindly your children shouldn’t be disturbing others, and if they aren’t able to behave reasonably then you should feed them at home. With the lanyard some situations may be more tolerated by others but frankly it’s not a ‘anything goes’ pass and you still need to consider the impact of your / their actions on others and adapt.

MintGr33n · 17/09/2026 06:40

DooDallyHallie · 17/09/2026 06:27

Are ylu buying your child's lunch there? If not I think it's very cheeky to sit thefr and eat s packed lunch. Who are you expecting to wipe thr table and sweep up the crumbs?
The kind of area in a community centre you are describing are usually there for people using the centres charged -for facilities, not randomers coming in off the street looking for a warm dry pkace to eat their lunch.

Edited

Community centres are free and you don’t have to buy anything to use them.

MintGr33n · 17/09/2026 06:34

StockingsByTheFire · 16/09/2026 18:51

I think that's certainly one interpretation.

Mine is that OP and others seem to have the expectation that her child's need should trump others because of SEN. Whereas the reality is, they don't, they are equal.

If one of my ND children were screaming, and 5 minutes is a very long time for screaming, I would take them out of the way of the people that they were disturbing. It's just basic consideration for others.

If one of my NT children were screaming, and 5 minutes is a very long time for screaming, I would take them out of the way of the people that they were disturbing. It's just basic consideration for others.

The former might require more effort, and be more frequent. I'm the parent, it's for me to be respectful of our environment and other people within it. Pretending I'm being forced to slum outside with my poor disabled child in the rain whilst we shake with the cold, is just daft, and that narrative helps noone.

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First of all your children do not speak for all ND children. It’s a spectrum. Secondly ND is a pointless summary of different conditions with varying needs. Some “ND” children haven’t even got a diagnosis.What may be appropriate and manageable for one may not be for another. So your post is pretty pointless.

DooDallyHallie · 17/09/2026 06:27

Are ylu buying your child's lunch there? If not I think it's very cheeky to sit thefr and eat s packed lunch. Who are you expecting to wipe thr table and sweep up the crumbs?
The kind of area in a community centre you are describing are usually there for people using the centres charged -for facilities, not randomers coming in off the street looking for a warm dry pkace to eat their lunch.

ElefantAndCastle · 17/09/2026 04:40

AutumnLoverButNotYet · 17/09/2026 03:17

It is a public space, it's for everybody's use, it is not a private space for tutoring

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Nor a public place for screaming.

AutumnLoverButNotYet · 17/09/2026 03:17

Hatty65 · 16/09/2026 17:12

If there is a teenager and tutor trying to study I can see that a toddler in full meltdown isn't great.

I'd have expected you to take them out of there. Calm them down outside.

It is a public space, it's for everybody's use, it is not a private space for tutoring

AutumnLoverButNotYet · 17/09/2026 03:16

Namenamchange · 16/09/2026 18:27

Surely it’s likely the teen had send if he had a tutor in a community centre. Maybe he was finding the 5 mins of screaming distressing and the lady was advocating for him.

I don't understand why people are saying the teenager is likely to have seen because they're having tutoring in the community centre.

Tutors are now looking for more locations that aren't students or their own home, public spaces to avoid being alone with students when a parent can't be home.

sixth form or college students frequently have tutoring during school hours in public spaces.

Absolutely nothing to do with SEN

JemimaPuddleduck53 · 16/09/2026 23:16

first of all you are a good mum doing the very best you can.

All toddlers have tantrums/meltdowns at some point regardless of they are neuro typically or SEN. kindness and compassion goes along way

Chipschoccake · 16/09/2026 23:01

Vni8w · 16/09/2026 21:08

I don't know why posters are assuming I was just stood watching my child while she had the meltdown. She was in my arms screaming, arms flailing into my face, when the lady came to me asking me if she could calm down.

Honestly just try and block out all the shitty negative posts. Some people just want to feel superior or just totally unaware of the difficulties parents of SEN kids can come up against.

Sometimes whatever you do is perceived to be wrong. For what's it's worth I would have handled the situation exactly as you did. I wouldn't have wanted to remove my child from the building as I think it would have just confused her when we had to come back in when she had to go into nursery.

Removing a child who's mid meltdown is no easy task, the wrestling involved causes as much as a disturbance as the initial problem. It once took two of us to wrestle a two year old out of a museum when she was hell bent on scaling dinosaur bones.

I'm much further along this merry dance than you so I've developed a far thicker skin. So from my perspective now, if I were in your situation I think the next time I was at the community centre I'd preempt the situation. I'd speak to the receptionist, explain about your child, acknowledge they may be disruptive for others and ask if they have any other area within the building for you to wait. If they don't then that's on them. They haven't provided any reasonable adjustments for a disabled child. Good luck 🤗

Zipidydodah · 16/09/2026 22:39

StockingsByTheFire · 16/09/2026 18:51

I think that's certainly one interpretation.

Mine is that OP and others seem to have the expectation that her child's need should trump others because of SEN. Whereas the reality is, they don't, they are equal.

If one of my ND children were screaming, and 5 minutes is a very long time for screaming, I would take them out of the way of the people that they were disturbing. It's just basic consideration for others.

If one of my NT children were screaming, and 5 minutes is a very long time for screaming, I would take them out of the way of the people that they were disturbing. It's just basic consideration for others.

The former might require more effort, and be more frequent. I'm the parent, it's for me to be respectful of our environment and other people within it. Pretending I'm being forced to slum outside with my poor disabled child in the rain whilst we shake with the cold, is just daft, and that narrative helps noone.

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This

maggisimpson · 16/09/2026 22:24

StockingsByTheFire · 16/09/2026 22:08

The student and tutor aren't expecting silence, it's very disingenuous to suggest that any noise would be a problem.

I can work with the TV on. With people talking around me. With the windows open and traffic noise. Colleagues laughing or rustling about with lunches. Printers running. Doors opening and closing. Standard, every day, background style noise. A horn beeping for half a second, I can ignore. Different matter if someone was leaning on the horn for 30+ seconds.

I can not work with someone screaming solidly for 5 minutes.

Ok so you pause working for 5 minutes because that's the compromise you make when choosing to work in a public place.

ChequerToRed · 16/09/2026 22:14

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this scenario, one thing is obvious- the nursery need to tweak the arrangements, this isn’t sustainable in the longer term.

StockingsByTheFire · 16/09/2026 22:08

The student and tutor aren't expecting silence, it's very disingenuous to suggest that any noise would be a problem.

I can work with the TV on. With people talking around me. With the windows open and traffic noise. Colleagues laughing or rustling about with lunches. Printers running. Doors opening and closing. Standard, every day, background style noise. A horn beeping for half a second, I can ignore. Different matter if someone was leaning on the horn for 30+ seconds.

I can not work with someone screaming solidly for 5 minutes.

Sartre · 16/09/2026 21:57

Mrschickenlady · 16/09/2026 17:30

Agree. I think others are not reading this properly and imagining a busy cafe / maybe the ritz and not hearing ‘community spaces’. These spaces are meant to be inclusive.

BTW even in a busy cafe from time to time my autistic kid was / is loud. And sorry but people can deal with it. If you want to eat in monastic silence, stay home. Out in the world, disabled people exist. And sometimes our wheelchairs are in the way, or our tics might be confusing or even our disabled kids might make noises. Grow up. Live with it. I don’t want to live in a country which locks disabled children away in case they are annoying to some people.

Edit - even reading this back i can imagine people saying ‘but why would you take an autistic child to a busy cafe’. And the answer is because sometimes we go out places (shock! Horror!). Because like all children he enjoys the park and the zoo and museums and when we go to those places, we have to eat. SHOCK HORROR. And we live in London so cannot get to those places between mealtimes as its far. I. Will. Not. Keep. Him. Locked. Up.

Edited

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This basically. Toddlers make lots of noise generally, even NT ones have screaming fits often over nothing. My NT DD had one once because I made the wrong type of pasta. It’s kind of just a normal thing NT and ND kids do. Obviously you wouldn’t take them to the quiet area in a library but you can’t lock them away. Sounds like this is a communal area so if the tutored kid needs somewhere quiet, this probably isn’t it.

maggisimpson · 16/09/2026 21:49

RobertaFirmino · 16/09/2026 21:01

The bottom line is, the crying was disrupting another child's education and that is true whether ND or NT.

No, ND children should not be 'locked away'. Yes, they deserve the same freedom as any other person. But given that you knew there was a lesson taking place, the considerate thing to do would have been to move away until the crying had stopped. I would say exactly the same about an NT child.

A lesson that was taking place in public so they clearly didn't need or expect silence.

It's a community centre, the community will be there.
Toddlers scream sometimes but they're still part of the community.
If you're going to use public spaces then you have to be tolerant of the public.

Honestly @Vni8w , you just have to get a thick skin, ignore moaners and focus only on your child.
There will always be people you think they would have done it better.

SparkyBlue · 16/09/2026 21:33

OP I had something similar happen to me years ago in the bloody health clinic of all places while I was waiting to see someone in connection with DS who was three and who we all suspected had autism. I just want to say to you that this stage is tough. My heart goes out to you as it’s a really difficult time. It’s a tough age regardless but add some additional needs into the mix and life becomes very difficult. I’ve been there OP and I just wanted to say that it gets so much better.

Caramac045 · 16/09/2026 21:15

SleeplessInWherever · 16/09/2026 19:19

I too have worked with vulnerable young people; in AP, PRUs and community tuition.

Surely we have to also accept that when we take young people into the community, the community will be there. Including those they’d prefer weren’t.

It does cut both ways.

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Yes of course it cuts both ways and I would do my best to support my student to cope or to move elsewhere if possible.
Their learning has still been disrupted though. One day the toddler might be the older student.

Original poster

Vni8w · 16/09/2026 21:08

I don't know why posters are assuming I was just stood watching my child while she had the meltdown. She was in my arms screaming, arms flailing into my face, when the lady came to me asking me if she could calm down.

OP posts:

RobertaFirmino · 16/09/2026 21:01

The bottom line is, the crying was disrupting another child's education and that is true whether ND or NT.

No, ND children should not be 'locked away'. Yes, they deserve the same freedom as any other person. But given that you knew there was a lesson taking place, the considerate thing to do would have been to move away until the crying had stopped. I would say exactly the same about an NT child.