To want DP to put his foot down with his mum?

My mother was a bit like this, maybe not quite as bad, but no-one had ever challenged her until I said to her when she offered her unasked for opinion 'Only two opinions matter and you don't make the cut', she didn't say anything again.

She sounds like your average misery guts. Just start responding with stuff like "well, you don't like anything, do you Susan?"

Just imagine what its going to be like when you have children!!

Tell her yourself. Zero reason not to.

I married a mummy's boy and it wasn't easy! As others have said it is your partners fault he needs to prioritise you. It will get harder when kids come along. I am afraid little will change OP but I wish you luck. I have a son in his twenties and I made a promise to myself years ago I am stepping back when he marries.

Yes I have a FIL like that. Not once in 27 years has ever said anything positive. Got to the point I say "why don't we have a rule if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" at our lunch... I realise that will render you mute FIL!! He was flabbergasted - kids now say "grandads being negative" while grumbles in the corner. But I generally stay away from him.

I have a friend like this and it's resulted in her alienating her DiL, her GD and, to a certain extent her DS. You've put up with this for a very long time and if you're determined to marry this man, I think you should have an honest conversation with his mother. Tell her exactly how her remarks effect you and that unless she stops, she will be seeing a lot less of you both. Do this please before any baby arrives.

God that sounds awful @Catsandcola I don’t know if I’d marry him because he clearly doesn’t see the problem.

This woman sounds like she would be an absolute menace if you ever had children (not assuming you want to, merely observing that this behaviour tends to escalate with grandchildren). I have seen so many women be drained of all their joy by having such in laws in their lives. Suddenly there is an opinion on the birth plan, the way you feed the child, what kind of pram, when you wean etc etc. It will absolutely increase by ten fold.

Your partner needs to understand how much this is affecting you and that this may be the undoing of what is otherwise a great relationship...go to couple's counselling, if nothing changes after a few months you have to either learn how to cope with her or you can end this before you get married. Sorry OP.

I’d postpone the wedding until your DP can show you that he can manage his mum. He’s still putting her above you at this point and this isn’t a good way of starting your marriage. You will forever come second and not respected. Huge red flag. I’d give him an ultimatum, give him time to address the issues and make your decision.

You said you didn’t want her there, he invited her.

Oh my OP ..he must be spectacular in other areas ..as this is horrible.

Your life will be dimmed by this ..because he is showing you how it will be …imagine that negativity with children or anything else that matters..this is a warning and an important one ..get this sorted before marriage..if he can’t respect your wishes then he isn’t marriage material

To slightly misquote Princess Diana, there will be three of you in your marriage.

These are the kinda of things you look out for when you're just in the dating stage..plenty time to call it a day. I just couldn't continue on with someone who's family was too overbearing.

My MIL was like this and I almost didn’t marry DH. He did stand up to her about the wedding. It wouldn’t have gone ahead.

At some point when I was PG I had a huge argument with her and just had nothing to do with her for about 4 months. She has behaved since. It was DH only weakness.

The reason she was like this was because that was modelled to her by her own Mother and she liked it plus she didn’t have enough in her life plus no man. She isn’t the type to want to be a strong independent woman either. DH is THE most significant man in her life, she is also a shocking misogynist.

OP will be back in a few years complaining that her MIL is interfering in the way she is going to give birth/feed her baby/where the baby sleeps/how long the baby naps/how her son is so tired and OP needs to do more/what nursery or school the child goes to. Her DH will bow to his DM every time and OP will be heading for divorce. We see it all the time on here and people ask why on earth she married him when she knew what MIL and DH were like.

Don't say you weren't warned. I married young and put up with it for over thirty years until MIL died. Imagine her imput in every life decision, because that's your future.
At least read 'Toxic in-laws,' by Susan Forward before the wedding.

Well after 8 years it's definitely not going to come from him.

If I were you I would start speaking up now to see how she will react and more importantly if he will back you up if she throws a diss or not so at least you know before the wedding.

Another option is to tell he can take her to eg the venue himself if he wants but not when you're viewing it together and let him deal with his mother and if he comes back and tries the "my mummy said" you shut it down.

It is important to start setting firm boundaries if not it will get worse when you get married then when kids get involved etc.

Interesting that he would rather upset you than his mother. That will be the story of your life. She won’t like the names you give your dc and will use her own ‘pet’ name. She won’t like the school you choose, the hobbies they do, the lack of contact you try to enforce. She’s the type to bust into the delivery room when you’ve told her no way.

Two further thoughts:
1 - negativity isn’t really the problem. The problem is overstepping of boundaries.
2 - you do not want to marry a mother’s boy. If it doesn’t bother him as he claims = problem because it massively bothers you (and why wouldn’t it). And if it secretly bothers him bit he’s too scared to do anything about it = also massive problem.

She will make your life a fucking misery. I guarantee it. Domineering, over-involved MILs are a bloody nightmare. I wish I’d got out 25 years ago because of one. Save yourself. Seriously. You can have words with him and see if it changes the dynamic (good luck) but many sons of women like that just find it too hard to go against an entitled mother and prefer to ket their relationship suffer instead.

He cares more about his mother than he does about you.

Your marriage will involve 3 people.

If you have children, it will probably be awful.

I married a mummy's boy who did stand up to his DM and did put in appropriate boundaries, together with me. But in later years, when he and I had challenges in our marriage, he went straight back to enmeshment with her when she was trying to get him to leave me, and put her opinions and preferences ahead of mine. It's had a huge effect on our children and one of them is now NC with their grandparents and resents their dad because of the whole dynamic.

I would absolutely NOT marry him.

This!

I suspect your future MIL has become worse because you've moved from 'just a girlfriend' status to not only the person her son has bought a house with but is marrying too. She's trying to hang onto her 'little boy', and having issues accepting that she is no longer the most important woman in his life.

If your partner is unwilling to put boundaries in place or speak to his Mum now, then it doesn't bode well for the future. You're already avoiding spending time with her, and you've not married him yet!!

I think you are going to have to show your MIL that you aren't going to tolerate her behaviour. Next time she makes a negative comment say 'Are you going to be negative about every decision we make?' or 'Why do you feel the need to criticise everything we decide?' or 'You don't have to like X, but we do'.You need to stand up for yourself now. If you don't, you'll be in for a rough ride, especially if children come along.

Loves his mother more than you 🤣 Are you 4?

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

You could say something to her, but the fact of the matter is that he’s already saying something to you very loudly.
He’s not bothered that you’re drained, that her comments make you sad, that you said you’d rather she wasn’t there. So he won’t stir himself to do anything about it.
Personally I’m very bothered by anything that upsets or hurts my DH, even if it’s not an issue to me personally. Because he is my person, and I love him.
If this man can’t show you that he feels for you what I feel for my DH I’d save yourself the admin of getting married then divorced.
MIL is highlighting a problem. Not causing it.