Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

Perhaps I'm against the grain but in his position. I wouldnt marry. Id want to keep my assets especially with school age kids.

Your also saying your not working so your living off your savings. This isnt a him problem its a you problem. It perfectly fine living together. Sort your own assets (it doesn't have to be property). If all.goes pear shaped tom you can walk away and rent

A bigger issue for me would him not keeping the house in good repair

Well then he needs to choose doesn’t he:

Give me security
I go get security

Time to decide.

He has school aged kids. He should not be proving he loves OP by leaving his house to her rather than his kids. OP has not contributed financially to his house.

He doesn't want to get married.
He doesn't want to move house.
He doesn't want to fix his house up.

He wants to carry on exactly as things are.

He has school aged kids and choosing not to marry you might well be the "right" thing for him to do.

You need to decide - assuming he will never marry you, do you want to stay in a relationship with him?

Financially - unless you have a chunky private or company pension then you are aging out of being able to get a 20 year mortgage so you may need to change your mindset to thinking about whether you would be able to afford to rent independently should the need arise.

Living together - the shower situation would be a dealbreaker for me. However there is a difference between bathroom falling apart - needing to replumb, retile, install new fittings - and being mouldy. The first is a big job that needs skills. The second needs a deep clean.

If you are scared to sit down with him and say that having friends to stay was a wake up call for you and your not willing to live like that. You know there will be disruption and cost but you need to live somewhere with basic level of comfort, convenience and hygiene and need to address the bathroom situation. And that if he disagrees then you will need to reassess your living situation.

If you can't have that discussion then there are bigger issues in the relationship.

OP please buy yourself a place to secure your own future

It's a terrible idea to rely on a man to ensure you are 'provided for' when you are in your early 50's and he has school aged children from a previous relationship.
Prioritise yourself, whatever that looks like.
You don't owe him a relationship, so if it's not working for you, move out.
If you want to stay, gain secure employment and continue adding to your savings, so you have an ever increasing amount to fall back on.
Some people will never marry a new partner when they have existing children. I don't think that's wrong, but it should be made clear before moving in together.

What happened to the money from your house?

Why did you need to realise the equity in that if you were only paying bills and no mortgage when you moved in with him?

You can’t make someone marry you if they don’t want to and tbh he hardly sounds like a prince anyway

Absolutely. Sorry but he doesnt really care about you. He's very self-protective in a particularly selfish way. Pull the wool away from.your eyes..and leave. Find someone who does care.

Do you need to live with this man?
Avoiding grumpy ...oh is it worth it for a 50% less cost...i doubt it.
Keep looking for that job and move out.
Men and moods are very intolerable as we age.
Owe it to yourself to live securely!!

This!!

I don't think you are both on the same page.

He has a paid off house which he plans to leave to his children (rightly).

You contribute half to living costs (rightly).

After your divorce it appears that you sold up, gave up your job, and have been living off savings and irregular income.

You have created this situation of financial dependancy yourself. You seem to think he owes you secure housing?

You've bounced from one man to another. Your boyfriend does not owe you what you seem to want.

If he was a woman, we'd all be advising her to get rid of her cocklodger and certainly not marry him.

He doesn’t sound that kind! He sounds like he’s shouted at you about the renovations you want and avoiding seeing the situation you are in that makes you vulnerable and he also refuses to talk about marriage. Not such a great catch.

Why you’d sell your house to move in with anyone at that age blows my mind but that’s fine now.

i don’t actually see an issue with you to continue to live with him. All of the bills you are paying you’d have to pay any what and they would be a lot more and there is no mortgage to pay. Yes your kinda stuck with him but that’s the outcome of your decision of moving in with him.

you need to get a job and keep saving so that if you did break up then you can buy somewhere else. Although this depends upon your definition of your large deposit. I wouldn’t be spending a penny on his house he doesn’t want to commit to you so don’t you spend money on nothing that isn’t going to benefit you long term.

Is he really lovely, kind, and caring though? He is extremely avoidant, shouts at you, and isn’t in the slightest bit concerned about leaving you destitute should he die before you. In comparison to your husband, perhaps he’s a step up?

Yes you are as when he dies his family will kick you out immediately anf you will be homeless you need to either buy yourself somewhere or rent somewhere, if he loved you he would make a will leaving it to you, he clearly doesnt love you and is using you and your money, tell him he makes a will to leave you the house if he doesnt have kids or you are moving out

He needs to demonstrate his love through actions rather than empty words

He's happy to upset YOU though!

Where is the money from the house sale?

You mustn't beat yourself up, that only puts you in an even more disempowered position. Get angry, fire yourself up, back yourself!

And we might be strangers on the internet but we're also a community of women with a lot of life experience behind us, it's a sensible place to ask for advice.

And OP, stop paying his insurance! He has made it clear that this is his property so he can pay that. Just take out some contents insurance for your own belongings. Your priority is to get enough income to cover your share of bills. If you have a car you can do Evri deliveries. Much less than minimum wage but it will cover food and bills so you aren’t eating into savings. Or try to get care work. Most councils have employment support schemes which will pay for you to get qualifications to get a job. Low level qualifications but you’ll still get a job with them. You need to be earning whilst you look for a permanent better paid job.
Using your savings for five years for daily costs has not been wise. If you were to use your savings for anything, it should be investing in training that leads to a job. Not for food or fixing bathrooms!

He's not a lovely man if he is shouting at you for offering to pay to replace a mouldy bathroom in a house you don't even own. He's not a lovely man if he doesn't care about your financial security. He's not a lovely man if he is avoidant and therefore not emotionally available. Take your love goggles off, OP. Start prioritising you ❤️

Indeed. And to be fair I will do the same for my kids. Doesn't matter how much I love whoever I am with at the time, my kids will get my assets

Our former neighbours were an unmarried older couple (older than you), lived together in the house he owned for many years. When he died his children gave her 3 months to move out, and that was that. When I asked how it had come to that she just said that he’d never wanted to sort it out. It was horrible. Your instinct to be secure is natural and very smart!

Shared ownership might be a good option for you op- you can use your savings to buy a share and then rent the rest. I don't normally recommend it but it seems a good option here
Definitely don't spend your savings on someone elses house.

He doesn't sound like a nice man

I was going to ask if he had children and then you said he does have school age children….

yeah, the reason he doesn’t want to talk about a will is that he’s going to leave everything to them. It’s that simple, unfortunately.

So he wont make you secure but he doesnt want you to make yourself secure eirher. Why are you even wirh him. Sounds like he only cares about himself.

this