Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

Absolutely this.

He isn't "lovely", actions speak louder than words, his words are not those of someone who loves you.

You are basically a lodger paying 50% of his bills. With school aged kids and all the expenses that go with this, he is the only one who is benefiting from this set up.

Time to put yourself first xx

I also think, that as far as he's able, he probably does love you.

But loving you and caring enough to be concerned about you in the event of his death are clearly completely different things.

If he won't protect you, you MUST take active steps to protect yourself.

I'm confused as to how you feel you've been disadvantaged financially? You've spent almost five years paying no rent or mortgage. I understand your work situation's not gone the way you'd like but that's not on him, and I'm unclear how you see splitting bills and food (surely the bare minimum of contribution) as entitling you to equity in his paid-off home? Especially when he has school-age children. I really believe the advice here would be massively different if the sexes were reversed.

Separately, and more importantly, though - it really doesn't sound like a happy relationship and your best bet is getting out on your own and building back up your own life without reliance on him.

You def need security. My lovely friend was in a 25 year relationship with a man who she thought she would be with forever and he dumped her for a younger woman, she is entitled to nothing because they weren't married.

I know your situation is different but I'd go for own security every time.

He's avoidant. He shouts at you. He gets "upset" when you want to do something for yourself.

You're not stupid, he's controlling and manipulative.

Quietly get all of your ducks in a row and leave when you are in a better (less vulnerable) position to do so.

Best of luck! X

He is not your knight in shining armour.

Be your own knight in shining armour.

He is hardly that lovely if he won’t make his home hygienic and pleasant - or treat it as a shared home. He is hardly that lovely if he won’t consider your long term security by marrying you or asset planning. He sounds controlling. You need to either have a very frank discussion about the fact that the current situation leaves you very vulnerable, or you need to properly invest in your own future - if not through property then through private pension, investments, equities etc. It is very silly
to allow a boyfriend this much control over what happens to you when he is done or dead.

Get a job in a location that you prefer

Buy your own property

Why cant you live on your own ?

Secure your own future

OP your bar was so low that just a bit of kindness and faux empathy has fooled you into thinking this man is worthy of you. He isn't.

Anyone who chooses to live with a mouldy bathroom when they have the means to rectify it, is lazy and tight. Choosing to live with a mouldy bathroom when they know if deeply upsets their partner (who has offered to contribute half) is selfish and doesn't care about them as much as you think he does. He is also making you feel that it isn't really 'YOUR' home - you are not getting 50% of the say in what happens - that's unsettling.

Of course he doesn't want you to get a flat - he's getting half the bills paid, sex on tap with zero effort.

The danger of your specific situation is waiting until you 'get a job' to do something. I am your age and am just starting a whole journey of looking in a whole new industry because my freelance work just pretty much dried up. I will get there, but it's slow. Don't be held back by something that will take so long it sucks the will out of you. There's always another way.

I’m sorry OP but I totally agree with this. This relationship also sounds abusive.
If you’re determined to keep a relationship with this man (although I really don’t know why you would) you should immediately be looking to buy somewhere of your own and move out. Spend your hard earned money on your own beautiful en-suite!

U need to protect yourself and if he isn't willing to marry you or make a will you have to buy a flat for yourself and explain you feel vulnerable in the position your in !
And as for shouting at you about repairing a mouldy en suite he doesn't sound that nice op !!!

Why would she be advised to carry on dating him? He shouted at her when she raised the poor state of the bathroom.

Get yourself out if there, OP, and build a life for yourself. He had no interest in building a life together, he just wants you to subsidise his bills.

Don't put money into a house that you don't own, with a man who won't commit to you. Although as you are living rent free, it could just be a contribution and something that will make you happier.

Get your full time job, then put aside the money you are saving in rent, and buy yourself a small property to rent out, so that you have something for the future. Just make sure that you put money aside for repairs and tax.

It is time for a serious talk with him. He doesn't have to get married if he doesn't want to. He could be worried about losing half of his house if you split up, but he needs to listen to your concerns too, and a decent man would do that.

Declaring is not the same as doing. Does he have children that he is trying to protect by leaving them his property? I'm not sure why you moved in with him so quickly and why sell your property, renting it out wouldn't have made much money but would have given you security

OP I’ve not read the full thread and can see some people have commented here in a similar vein. My view would be to say, you have no security of tenure with him as he won’t put your name on the deeds, you are basically his lodger. Buy your own property if you can, move out and regain your financial independence. You can then keep the relationship but you won’t be paying half his bills (and cleaning his house I bet).
don’t let men take advantage of you, he got a financial benefit from you living with him and the comfort of a wife like partner without putting himself out here didn’t he?

Can't you buy a fat and rent it out ? So your situ5stays the same but you have e a investment and also your own property for security .?

'If he wanted to, he would'. So sorry, OP. He loves you (maybe) but won't improve how you live or help you with the financial security that's so important to you.

I do not think you will get the security you need/want. He has children so presumably he's had a similar experience to you and had to re-build, and he has children who he prioritises.

So what next? I'd imagine securing a job / making sure you have a steady income is a big priority as this would open up your options more.

Stay - save the money you would be paying on rent and create a safety net that way.
Leave - buy/rent somewhere that is yours and still date
Leave - buy/rent start fresh

Best comment.

Yes, I'm afraid this is it OP. It's not just about your financial security, it's about the bigger picture: he does not respect your feelings.

I completely understand what it's like, after years of (an) abusive relationship(s), to feel enormous relief and gratitude at finding someone who is kind to us at last. But wolves come in different sheep's clothing and we are dimly aware that things are not right. You admit that things moved very quickly and you were acting on the back of a deeply damaging experience.

Don't beat yourself up. Focus on finding a small place of your own. You can do it! And then settle yourself in, make things how you want them, start from there. From a tiny seed, the most magnificent flowers grow! Cultivate your own self-care and you will thrive. In 5 years' time your life will feel much more comfortable. There is a lot of joy to be found in being alone and having things your own way. I think for people like us who are not used to it, we actually have to learn that first in order to be ready for any kind of relationship.

Good luck and don't be scared! This is what you must do, doctor's orders. Don't let him beat you down with shame.

He may be 'upset' but he can't have it both ways as you're also upset at the lack of stability and commitment. He either accepts you getting a small flat to help you feel more secure or he puts you on the deeds etc of the property you both live in and you become shared owners.
He can't have both... he either helps you to be stable and you share finances or you need to have your own safety net.

You’re not building a life together are you. He is happy to coast and have his bills paid. You are insecure and living in a shit hole.
His hurt and upset that you want to live separately isn’t your problem. That’s his problem to deal with. If he wants to deal with the issues like an adult and speak to you about buying into his property and then you investing money into things you want to to with it that’s an option. But if he’s unwilling to do that then you are in a road to nowhere except a huge financial hole.
do not spend money on his property unless you actually buy into it and go on the deeds.
other than that see what you can afford, look for work, save what money you have left and speak to lenders who are not high street lenders who will be better able to help you get on the ladder, or look at buying a small investment property in another area that you can rent out or some other assets like stocks and share ISAs or put the money in your pension so it’s secure and growing. Speak to a financial advisor and get some advice as pension savings are a better investment than property atm due to growth. Then rent somewhere yourself to live.
the worst thing you can do is to invest money into his property doing it up, every penny you spend is dead money to you.

This is not going to happen.

He has TOLD you who he is and what he wants, and it’s not marriage & security with you. You need to stop daydreaming and listen to him.

Contributing to his bathroom would be your money down the drain. Let him live in squalor and you find your own place.

I also agree with the posters that he's done nothing wrong. You have money, he has a house. You want security, he wants security. Why should yours trumps his?

If your current employment is insecure, you need to focus on making it secure. That's your responsibility long before his responsibility to secure your future.

Why do some women feel that men owe them security any more than women owe them security once they are no children in the picture any longer?

He doesn't sound that nice OP

After 5 years he won't talk about arrangements if he dies. He won't discuss marriage. You once with him but are scared of bringing up issues in the house because he will shout. His communication sounds shit and it sounds like everything has to be on his terms or won't happen. I'm not sure that's very healthy.

Are you at least paying bills in proportion to earnings? If not then you're effectively subsidising him.

It also sounds like some of those bills are house related. If you're a lodger, yes you should pay for your share of electricity but I don't think you should be paying for example for half the costs of insurance to insure an asset you don't even own.

And for God's sake please stop offering to spend on a house and increase its value (paying half the bathroom) when he could kick you out straight after. That would be madness.

I do think overall if one person in the relationship says they have a problem with something, and the other says they don't care as are fine with it, there is an imbalance in the relationship. He seems to have all the power here because you moved into his.