Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

How can you possibly say he’s emotionally abusive based on one episode of shouting? It might have been the 8th time that week that OP had brought up the mould (that she’s been happy to live with up now, watching it get worse and ever… cleaning it? I’m sure we’ve all shouted at the people we live with once or twice in frustration, and they’ve shouted back.

So he wants it all ways. His way.

If my partner booked a wedding before telling me I’d think they’d lost the fucking plot. Not to mention it’s not actually possible to do so, the couple need to meet the registrar together.

Relationships are never improved by telling someone what they need to ‘comply’ with.

@GreatPlumBiscuit You need to work on your own comfort and ability to support yourself in the event your relationship breaks down. It’s not for a partner to secure your finances if they don’t want to, and putting you on the deeds or in his will is not the only way for him to ‘prove’ he loves you since relationships can fall apart when those things are in place. You’ve got quite a good set up with no rent or maintenance costs, get back to work and save your money and build your own network and confidence. Then you’ll be in a better place to determine if this is a healthy relationship for you.

If you do decide to leave, and I hope you do, he may well propose to keep you on side. You will then have a looooong engagement and never actually get married, as you get older and sadder. Leave now, get your own place, don't be over-ambitious with it. If he died you would have to do this at short notice so do it now on your own terms. You may need to work at a Tesco type job or a pub job to supplement your income until your situation stabilises. You could have another 30 years of this - is that really what you want? Be brave you can do it.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

This paragraph is unfortunately full of red flags OP...

• He refuses to communicate (you call him avoidant: not good)
• He deliberately ignores your needs and wellbeing (mould is bad for your health as you know)
• He shouted at you (not acceptable, do you walk on eggshells around him? Any man that prompts that behaviour does not qualify as lovely)
• He displays overall selfish traits - all he cares about is that he's ok with his living situation yet he won't entertain that it's not good enough for you and you need an alternative (which you're not even asking him to pay for).

First of all, don't pay half of anything that's not yours. 50% of living expenses is reasonable, but renovations of a place that's solely his are not your responsibility. Your health however is your responsibility, and it's your prerogative to find somewhere better to live. He shouldn't take it personally. If he cares about you, he'll take it seriously and get his rear into gear to fix the problem.

It's much easier to listen to what he says than to act on what he does.

He knows how to play you. Avoidance, hysterics. It's all controlling the situation.

You have two problems.

1. He doesn't want to entangle your finances and is trying every trick in the book to get what he wants. He hasn't made any changes to be with you has he? Same house, same bathroom, he just has cheaper bills, cooked meals and sex on tap.

1. Why on earth would you want him??? Other than it seemingly easier than a massive upheaval to move? Is he really so so SO amazing that you wouldn't rather have your own place with a nice bathroom and, potentially, a new bloke to have fun times with when it suits? If domestic drudgery with a man who couldn't be less arsed really all that with a cherry on top? He's not exactly sounding like the gloss on a lovely life, more like an albatross.

It’s not clear why you sold up. Did he pressure you to?

There are things you have done that you need to take responsibility for. I sense you’re struggling with this and kind of blaming it on a bad divorce.

theres also a lot of ambiguity around what you have had and lost in terms of money and mortgages, and why. I think a lot of it has been bad decisions on your part.

i suspect he is not being honest with you about his financial situation. I think he is in debt/struggling.

he is a dismissive avoidant. I think you find yourselves drawn to them as you are an anxious attacher. You take any crumbs of love you can find. You are worth more than that.

he is also emotionally abusive - the shouting about the mould. He cannot cope with any of your needs and has dragged you into his dysfunctional life.

you need to plan your route out carefully. You need to hope he hasn’t managed to get any debt in your name. Move as far away as possible where you can get a stable job. Dont look back. Don’t listen to his manipulative rubbish.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

fucking hell.. would you say that to a man in these exact circumstances?

"Book a registry office and tell her if she doesn't turn up to marry you that proves she doesn't love you??"

Why the fuck should he agree to give OP half his house when he has got kids and she hasn't contributed a single penny towards it's purchase? OP is on a fantastic deal not having to pay rent or mortgage, just half of living expenses.. the fact that she has chosen to sell her property, not work and has pissed all her savings up the wall is not his problem.

You are leaving yourself very vulnerable. If he dies without a will it all passes to his children and you will get nothing even though you have paid part of the bills. If he truly loves you he would protect your future. You must put yourself first or you risk losing everything. Even if you buy a small flat and rent it out you have something for yourself. If he doesnt support you then it doesnt matter how kind he is day to day he is not truly thinking of your best interests.

It’s all words. What he does or doesn’t do shows you who he is. The mould in the bathroom isn’t doing anyone’s health any good for starters.

You cannot force someone to marry you. Would you agree with a man doing that to a woman? I doubt it.

Exactly this a lot of people are missing this point.

A lot of nonsense to prove what she must already know. He does not care enough.

Oh good, I'm glad that you've got this saved.

@GreatPlumBiscuit

I'm the first to say whata scummy bastard!!!!! But honestly.....

Your living circs are perfectly fine - bills are split in half. There is no rent.
He has children it's totally appropriate to keep finances split as they are and not to remarry.

Given how flat property has been (in real terms its depreciating) if you correctly invested the cash from your sale you should be significantly"better off". (I know because I just did a financial exercise on if we have put 200k less down on our house 6 yrs ago and invested the 200k)

The issue/ mistake you made is you decided to stop working and to live off savings from the sale of your house for 5 yrs.

5yrs of not working is a HUGE luxury few can afford... you gloss over it but its cost you what ...100k ??? Maybe more???

You are canabalising your assets.
Offering to pay for half his bathroom is madness and there's not a builder in the land who'll do a bathroom with materials and labour for £3k.

Its hard no doubt but you need to find a job and start making better choices.

OP before leaving you can - a) go to magistrates office and book a wedding for yourself, inform him of day and time and b) find a work man to get rid of the mould and tell DP these are the arrangements you require him to comply with.
If he refuses either of above - he does not love you - so lies about that and you have proof you need to leave.

I just need to know I'm not going to be left up shit creek in my later life.

The only person who will ensure that doesn't happen is you. You are in charge of your life, no one else. Stop wasting time on this man and move on and enjoy your life.

Once you take the first step to securing your own future, the other steps will be easier and you will feel empowered. It is true, his children will have you looking after him and then kick you out the minute they can. He could give you a lifetime interest that allows you stay in the property for as long as you want and then his children get the house but your best bet is to take care of your own security.

See I don't agree with this at all, taking all feelings out of it for a moment.

A man with school age children buys his own house outright, moves a girlfriend in after a couple of months, she has sold her house and has a large lump sum in the bank and a good job, she pays half the bills as there is no mortgage to pay, they are very happy together, except she is struggling to hold down a job so has eaten into her savings, and now after 5 years she wants marriage or financial security and a share in the house if anything happens to him, or she will leave him.

Now reverse the sexes to see if the opinion is the same...

A woman with school age children buys her own house outright, moves a boyfriend in after a couple of months, he has sold his house and has a large lump sum in the bank and a good job, he pays half the bills as there is no mortgage to pay, they are very happy together, except he is struggling to hold down a job so has eaten into his savings, and now he wants marriage or financial security and a share in the house if anything happens to him, or he will leave her.

I'm sorry OP but that house isn't yours, you haven't been asked to contribute towards it, just living expenses which you would have to pay wherever you were at this stage of life (double if you were single). The house is his children's security. You chose to release the funds out of your house instead of renting it and now have chosen to live off your savings because you can't get a job.. your own circumstances are your own responsibility, stop looking for a man to fix it.

The bathroom is the biggest red herring I have ever seen, but yet again wanting a man to sort it out, if it is so mouldy then clean it!

You started by saying that this man is lovely to you. He isn't though is he?

Your with him 5 years, paying half his bills and he won't marry you or make a will leaving a life time interest in his home. He has kids and wants to keep the house ect for them.
He has already told you that you have money if anything was to happen to him.

He does not want you to get a btl mortgage or get your own mortgage because you once you do this you end things with him.
Then whose going to pay half his bills and mind his kid's. As he gets older him and his kids will expect that you care for him. After this his kids will kick out of a house that they now own.

The reality is that you need to do what's best for you and your future now.
You need to get some good financial advice and I would pay for this. I would try to get a btl mortgage because you could have tenants paying towards a property in your name. You need to get more stable employment. I would look into training in care so you could work in a nursing home ect. Getting stable employment can get you a mortgage in your own name and for your own place.
Get things in order. Don't tell him anything about your plans until your ready to move out and you can then tell him it over.

Should be NO more drifting.

Does he have children?

It's so easy to tell someone you love them to keep them sweet. Actions speak louder than words. Get yourself that flat and the security you need. Just do it. This man does not care about you as he should. I know it is easy for us (Mumsnet) to tell you what you need to do and not so easy in real life but you can't keep hanging on in there in the hope he changes, I doubt he will. Do it while you can. No discussion with him. Start checking out the estate agencies. If in the unlikely event he has a miraculous change of heart, you will have the security of a property you can rent out, but I would bet on you not wanting to go back to him after a few months of independence. Good luck and more drifting.