Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

You cannot blame him for not wanting his childrens home to be shared.
Should anything happen to him, he wants them protected.
You have been foolish and gambled on him stepping up.
You are not on the same page.
You are someone to share costs with, not narry.
He will never do that.
You now need to get a job, save like mad and focus on creating your own security.
Of course he doesn't want you moving out, sharing costs works for him.

You have to accept that this is your reality and change it.

JFC!
Cant people read?

Op is worried about the situation shes in
As shes supposedly in a long term committed relationship its not beyond the realms of possibility to think about the future/ marriage/ longterm plans

Shes not demanded marriage but after 5 years its a possibility
What shes discovered is this man doesnt really care about her AT ALL
Hes happy with her paying 50% of bills etc fair enough but when she suggested buying her own property he manipulated her
He just doesnt care about her, her future or her welfare

Thats quite a shock

Because he's asked her to pay half the bills and she's agreed. Paying part of the bills and food is not buying a share in the home and she knows that. Not paying anything while intermittently working would make her a freeloader. The partner owns the home outright and he has minor kids in school.

She's depending on a man to give her stability rather than doing the hard work of providing it herself. She has savings from her house sale. She could find a steady job and apply for a mortgage on her own small place. He's refused to marry her. It's obvious he's not going to be sharing his assets with her, he has kids and that's the likely reason why not.

I was with you until the final sentence. Some bathrooms are past cleaning! But I do wonder at pps that say she should "get out of there" because he raised his voice once. Not even bothering to ask whether it's a pattern of behaviour. There's a balance to be struck here!

What's your industry/experience? It's a tough environment currently for a lot of industries, never mind when you're past 50.

I think you mean why should she pay 50% in a property where she gets no security?

Why should she have a stake in a property that she isnt paying RENT or MORTGAGE for? Where she is living for FREE?????

BTW, I have no problem with the fact he wants to leave his children an inheritance, and of course you need to be stumping up your share of bills as you would anyway, so I don't think you are necessarily losing. The issue is the lack of communication, shouting and shutting you down, not letting you make your own choices with your money and leaving you in a state of uncertainty.

He has school age children, do you have my children? I would not be marrying and risking any kind of issue with my children’s inheritance. I can see why he would never marry, it’s about the circumstances. You pay half of all bills so ultimately it’s saved you both money.

You should look to buy a flat and let it out even though being a landlord is a bit crap it’s a risk I would probably take in these circumstances.

You are not an idiot. Don't be so hard on yourself. U could be in your own place- fit for purpose and lovely and clean OP.

As PP have mentioned, the most important thing here is that he has school age kids. He is not responsible for your future financial security and is possibly wary of committing to a marriage in case it impacts on his kids future. He is mortgage free which is an envious position to be in, although it does sound like the house needs a lot of work.

You have savings but no stable job, so he is unlikely to agree to sell up and buy something together if it means he needs a mortgage again.

Unfortunately I can’t see how this will work out the way you want it to, OP, unless he agrees to you investing in your own property, perhaps a buy to let that you could use as income?

His actions speak for themselves. His words are just words and meaningless. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position @GreatPlumBiscuit - what are your next steps?

Give him a deadline. Also check your legal position with independent advice. You’ve been paying household bills but aren’t a tenant? You probably don’t have a stake in the property whether or not he bought it unless you reach a contractual agreement. Do that asap.

This is a great post !

OP your financial security is your own responsibility. I believe this to be the case even in a marriage. It’s something my mother drummed into me and I can see now how important it is, for many reasons, but as one ages, literal security as well.

It sounds like you’ve got the means to at least start by renting out a small space for yourself. I agree with most here in that you should move out becuse this relationship is not going where you want it to (I think you know that) and you’ve already been burned by a man who didn’t put you first. You are still young. Step into the light and make the smallest step possible, to get the process going and call a real-estate agent and make some appointments. Things will find their own momentum from there.

Exactly. I don't think he is responsible for your financial security, you are. He has children whose future he needs to invest in. You are living rent-free in his house, and sharing in bills that you rightly should be. You have savings for a deposit, use it, the rent that you are saving on, use that too. Get financial advice and set yourself up for the future, instead of expecting a man (any man) to be providing for you. Or testing the relationship based on whether he is willing to care about your security - especially to the detriment of his children. I have been with my partner for five years, I own my own house and it will go to my DC. Even if we move in together, it will go to my DC. I will take legal steps to ensure this, not because I don't love or care for my DP but because he is a full-grown adult with the ability to provide for himself. My responsibility is to my DC. If he were to move in to my home and expect me to give him a legal interest in it, while not paying rent/contributing to the mortgage, that would be a red flag! The other issues - avoidance, not wanting to do home improvements etc are separate issues.

With hindsight - you should have sorted this before you moved in. All you can do now is take steps to ensure you don't end up unable to retire. Take care of your financial future. You know what you need to do.

why would she want to marry this "financial abusing horror of a man" He's only using her to pay half his bills, and live in his house for free! What an arsehole

/s

He’s 5000000000000x more likely to propose after you move out than when you’re next to him, quietly accepting NOT being proposed to.

At the moment he has zero reasons to propose to you.

He can’t have it both ways. The current situation serves his best interests but not yours.

Put yourself first.

And I wouldn’t call a relationship where the man refuses to discuss commitment “very commited”. It sounds like you’re shacked up with an OK man, possibly the nicest man you’ve dated so far in your life, but it’s not “very commited”.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Nice, kind men don't shout at you for offering to pay half of mold remediation in a disgusting bathroom. He doesn't want you to pay for any home repairs because his house will not be going to you and he wants you to have zero claim on it. He likely has a will you know nothing about. Who's his next of kin? It's sure not you.

He's got school age kids. I would bet he's protecting all his assets for them.

You rushed into living with him and the 5 years you've wasted are sunk cost now. Stop wasting more time with a man who has no intention of providing for you in the event of something happening to you. Move out, there's nothing there for you. You're going to have to rebuild again.

There are a lot of red flags here. You say he's very kind to you but he shouted at you over the bathroom. He won't discuss any kind of permanent commitment even though he doesn't want you to move out.
You are very vulnerable financially here. IMO.

So by this logic if I get a lodger and they contribute to the bills (very normal when they are also using the water, energy, internet etc) then they should also be entitled to part of my house?

How bad is this bathroom? Does it really need replacing or just a good clean. Bathrooms are expensive. Do you help keep the bathroom clean?

What Is it half of his bills rather than half of their joint bills?