Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

As well as paying half the bills, are you doing all the cooking and cleaning?

Exactly this, because we're all a monolith on Mumsnet it seems.
Equally we are all on universal credit and also earning £200k pa at the same time .

No, he’s not incredible. He’s just another man who doesn’t care enough about his OH (Im not saying partner as he isn’t behaving like a partner) to hear her concerns, or to want her to have a clean, sanitary home.

I know it’s hard but you need to value yourself more and put yourself first. I absolutely would be moving out and into my own place. If he doesn’t like that, tough, it tells you all you need to know.

Is it the same people who are expressing double standards or different people having different views on the topic?

Get yourself a buy to let with your funds.

Don't see the five years as a failure. You've probably saved more money than if you were living alone, you've had some nice times in your relationship, you showed it was possible to move on from your ex.

But yeah it sounds like it's run its course and that he's not all that.

There's another thread on here where a man moved in with his partner early, pays his way but doesn't work very much and has apparently drained his savings to ensure that he's not a financial burden. He is apparently abusive and financially controlling. Now this OP is doing the same and she's a victim of financial abuse? Goodness me, the double standards are horrifying.

She's paying 50% of bills only, not anything to the house... she's not paying rent or mortgage

But she is working on getting a job - she has the deposit so a mortgage will be fairly easy wants she gets a job. But she needs to do that asap is my point. How he feels about her getting a separate property is irrelevant as her just continuing as she is leaves her in a vulnerable position.

And tbh if she wants marriage and he does not she should have left years ago.

I am not sure this needs a pattern. Shouting at me for wanting to do something about mould is not a reasonable reaction.

Nobody suggested otherwise. But making your party live in a mouldy environment, shouting at them when they suggest fixing it and getting mad when they want to rectify their own assets situation by throwing a tantrum when they want to buy a property of their own isn’t showing love.

In her third post she says she can't get a mortgage as she doesn't have a job / income. So she has a deposit but wouldn't be able to buy.

She has said she can afford a mortgage. She already floated the idea of her buying her own place and he got mad. She needs to do that, now. I cannot see any reasonable arguments against her making sure she is set property wise in the future.

Who is talking about bargaining chips? How is her procuring a property a “bargaining chip”?

👏 👏 👏

I feel like I'm being gaslit honestly. How can people see financial abuse when she gave up her job, moved in far too early, doesn't work regularly, pays no housing costs and 50% of bills?

I agree he doesn't come across well in getting angry at her renovation suggestions but I suspect that's his way of stopping any contributions to his asset that may muddy the waters of his children's inheritance.

Why would she spend all her deposit on living and then go on benefits rather than get a job?

She can get a job - it’s not OK to recommend leeching off the taxpayer when that person is capable of working.

Not if shes spent them all on somewhere to live. In which case she's totally entitled to benefit from the system she has presumably paid into all her life, until she is able to get back on her feet.

Benefits are there for people who need them when they need them.hopefully she won't need them for long.

No she cannot, she has savings

So you’re advocating OP sponges off the tax payer instead of getting a permanent job?

You can claim universal credit and housing benefits etc if you get your own place?

This thread is really winding me up. If it were reversed, a man had moved in, quit his job, paying bills and no rent and insisting on marriage/ a claim to the house, the response would be vehement.

he is NOT abusive! Thats ridiculous! He is clearly looking after her financially whilst OP works what sounds like very little. Perhaps she’s doing all the housework and school runs, she doesn’t define that so it’s unlikely.

i have compassion for getting to this stage in life feeling things don’t look how you hoped. He’s not abusive and he’s prioritising his kids inheritance/ financial security. You can have a conversation about it, but if you’re coming across the way you do here then he probably will clam up. Start by securing yourself proper work so he can see that your seeking to be independent. Right now it looks as if you’re expecting to cost off a man who already has dependents then moaning that it’s not going your way - and even worse, pushing the blame onto him.

I think you need to look at the ways you yourself can become financially more stable, rather than relying on your partner.

One thing that is possible is to put a property into trust so that the surviving partner can live there during their lifetime, then it goes to whoever the owner specifies (eg their kids.)

My husband and I have done this to ensure our house goes to our children, not to the later partner of either of us if one of us dies early. It does cost a few hundred to set up but well worth it.,

Would your DP be willing to do that to ensure you aren’t homeless on his death though you won’t ultimately gain financially from the property if he wants someone else to inherit it?

What have you done with your released funds? As long as you invest them or buy another small property with them you will have some backup.
Do you have any pension?
Do you have a job?
If so, I don’t see the problem with paying 50 percent of food and bills since that is what you owe.
If you are not working and are running down your released funds to pay everyday costs that is a problem - likely best solved by getting a job to cover the costs…

You gave up your job and you want to rely on him for housing and a pension. If you were a man people would be calling you a cock lodger. Sorry! If he has children, he probably wants them to inherit his assets. He won't want you investing in house repairs because the you would be able to prove you invested in the house and had some right to it.

It's time to make a plan OP. Hoping for a handout is not a plan.
He could at least have named you on his pension or taken out a life insurance policy with you as beneficiary if he wants to keep his house for his kids and can't be bothered to make a will/marry you. You'd still be vulnerable if you split up though.
Go and see a housing association about shared ownership property maybe? Or a financial adviser to invest your money properly. Could you get a retirement property via the local authority to rent?