Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

OP, I'm sorry to be so brutal, but as others have said, you have broken the promise you made to never leave yourself vulnerable again after your first marriage, and have basically WASTED THE LAST 5 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE waiting for this man to make up his mind to marry you, or at the very least, do something to help secure your future. I have put the words in capitals in order to drive it home to you that this is what you have done.

Time to face the fact that although you think he's wonderful, he really isn't, and if you are to have any security in your old age, then it's down to YOU, and ONLY YOU, to make it happen. So, get yourself another job, find yourself a property that you can afford, and tell this man that you're moving out. Tell him that you can't live with the uncertainty of life with him, if he's not prepared to marry you, or even make a Will in your favour, and so you feel you have no choice other than to sort out a roof of your own, and if this means breaking up, then so be it. He KNOWS that he's putting you in a vulnerable situation OP, and he doesn't care enough to do what's necessary to make you feel secure, so he really DOESN'T DESERVE YOU, does he?

Oh, and if he suddenly says he'll make a Will in your favour, please don't fall for it, as he'll just procrastinate, and of course, even if he does eventually do it, he could always change it, so you can't really rely on that anyway.

Finally OP, start putting the wheels in motion NOW, as time really isn't on your side.

Good luck!

I’m currently supporting an elderly lady on a similar situation to this, she was 80 when she sold her house to move in with her 84 year old gentleman friend, he’s kicked her out a few month ago just after he turned 90, she’s 86 and homeless and in the very early days of recovering from cancer. He behaved like your fella whenever she tried to bring it up with him over the years and it was very clear to me he was a controlling and emotionally manipulative twat and just because he’s old and 90 doesn’t mean he’s harmless. But her previous marriage was with abusive and emotionally manipulative too and she was riddled with self doubt.

If you have the means to get secure housing for yourself now then you should do that. In fact, you should probably dump him. He isn’t showing care for you now, what do you think he’ll be like as you both age and need to plan and discuss care plans?

You are being very harsh on yourself.

You know he's not really lovely or particularly caring of you or you wouldn't have been posting here in the first place. Sounds like you've been sold a lie and after 5 years he doesn't see any need to commit as he has everything he wants. You don't.

Do what you can to secure your own home, it won't be easy but you won't be wasting anymore time on a man who will happily leave you homeless with all your savings gone from paying half his bills. The control of your own life, is yours to take.

You are not stupid and you haven’t done anything wrong and strangers sometimes give the best advice.

Your gut is talking to you. Listen to it.

He can be hurt, get mad, etc. That only shows you are right to take action and move on. As difficult and scary as that may be, the n the other hand you have a life that doesn’t look like the one you want to be living, controlled by someone whose values and plans clearly don’t match your own.

Don't think you are currently being at all stupid. You just need to future proof your finances that is all. For instance your money stays in a savings account that only has your name on it. You never get a joint bank account or loan. If the house is his and are only paying half of bills that seems fair. You could invest your money rather than save it but frankly easier to get hands on in savings account if relationship goes belly up and you need to move out at some point.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.
But he's happy for you to live in a shithole.

I ask him, very gently, tell him I feel vulnerable, he says yeah yeah blah blah, and does absolutely nothing....

He has no respect for and dismisses your feelings

He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

He doesn't want you to have any claim on him - even if in reality you wouldn't. He doesn't care about your security.

But it's so hard to leave someone who declares such love for me....

Words are cheap.

Now think again about what you wrote: Kind, caring, lovely to me.

He doesn't sound any of those things. Just because he isn't as bad as your ex doesn't mean he's lovely. He has no interest in looking out for you OP, so it's time to look out for yourself. Without him. And I know that sounds scary to you, but think about what you'd be leaving behind and compare it with what you could build for yourself. He's actually given you a fairly shit five years. The sunk cost fallacy is real. Don't let him give you any more years.

There's always a bum kicker around on MN. You deserve much better than this. If you start planning tomorrow this time next year you will have your own place and a job and a mould free bathroom. It might not be your forever home but it will be a step on the way to it.
And learn to love yourself not settle for easy words from a selfish man who knows which of your buttons to press. You can do this.

I suggest you do some reading about ‘love bombing’ and other abusive relationship patterns.

You can find somewhere to rent, you don't have to buy. You have some cash and when work picks up eventually, can think about buying.

It's pointless living with this guy, you don't need him. Be independent, in your fifties there is a kot f life left to be lived.

Find a small flat, pack up and go, don't look back. You owe this man nothing.

I might be being really thick here, but why does buying a flat make you feel secure, but other types of investments don't?

If you would like to be putting money into a property, so you have an asset if things go wrong, can't you just put whatever money you would be spending on a property into a different investment?

Do start looking at other jobs. NHS for instance. Agency work. Look at housing associations, what is there locally? Use MN as much as you need. But whatever you do, don't stay as you are or you will be lost.

You describe him as "Kind, caring, lovely to me."

But as this poster says, he's really not lovely. You either need to find a way to communicate your unhappiness to him - doesn't seem to have worked so far - or get out and start looking after yourself. Otherwise you'll find yourself at 60, then 65, still looking at the mouldy bathroom. It won't get better.

The best way to not be left up shit creek is to be sure that you have mortgage and rent free housing.

I'm about your age. This is the most important thing to me.

No, no, no. Please don’t listen to such nonsense.
Get out immediately; God knows you owe him no consideration.
Why would you put yourself through even more of this terrible arrangement when it isn’t adding a single thing to your life? Nothing else matters, and certainly not the length of the relationship.
I hope that if he proposed tomorrow you’d laugh at him. ( If it were ever his intention, wasn’t your mooting a property purchase the moment to fo it?)
He sounds like a user and also a slob, and what mature woman wants either, let alone both?

Please stop thinking a man is worth the misery you are expected to put up with. Get wise and get out.

Well, you’re either his future nurse with a purse or his bangmaid. Neither are nice for you and he isn’t nice to you, for you or about you.

God, anything has to be better than this. Stop living on the dreams that are only present inside your head, certainly not in his, and start looking properly at what your life actually is.

And get angry. You can do a lot of things while being angry.

Sometimes it helps to talk to strangers. Better than bottling it up. One thing MN is good at is when someone needs genuine support. We may be a tetchy lot but if straight talking is needed you will certainly get it here! And it's good to unburden it all anonymously. It helps to sort your head out and what you want.

You need to get out and get your self respect back. He's a selfish man who puts on an act to the outside world.

What security is it you want? Are you expecting him to leave the house to you if he dies?

splitting the bills seems fair, you are currently saving by not having to pay rent/towards a mortgage can you ring fence an amount of money each money as if you were & add it to your savings. So you are then building your funds

I mean the time for these concerns was before you sold your own property , but at least you are caught up now and are facing hard facts.

You need to prepare for the worst case scenario like him leaving you, or dying things beyond your control 🥺 harsh but true.