Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

You can apply for a buy to let mortgage in your situation - you can be a stay at home person and get a buy to let mortgage with zero income. Speak to a broker.

The income needed is based on rent covering the mortgage. Broker not your bank.

Not being harsh , he doesn’t love you , he’s showing no regard to you at all.

So agree.

He is treating you as a housemate who goes halves on the bills and conveniently provides sex.

He doesn't listen to your legitimate concerns because he is totally self absorbed.

You deserve so much better.

So pull your big girl pants up and take charge of your present and future.

Find your own place, ditch him and and start breathing again instead of living in fear of suddenly being homeless if he dies.

@GreatPlumBiscuit

Im tied to where we live because he has school age children,

And there you have it. He wants everything he has to go to his children. Personally I can't find fault with that. But what that means to you is that he will never put himself in a position where you might have a claim against anything of his that he feels should go to his children. That's probably even the reason he gets so upset about fixing up the bathroom. He's worried that if you put money into improving the house, you may have some sort of legal claim on a percentage of it should he predecease you (I don't know if that's true legally or not). But what this means to you is there will be no marriage, no civil partnership. No legal ties of any kind.

Just out of curiosity, do you provide much of the day to day care for his children when they're with him? OK, I'll just say it. Are you a 'nanny with a fanny'?

If I were you I'd take a good hard look at my future and my finances. If you stay how much will you be able to save each month towards buying something? Would you be better off renting a room somewhere or a small studio flat? And you say you 'sold up and moved'. Would you be happier elsewhere?

Run, so fast.
You have decades ahead of you, don't waste it with someone who thinks moldy is good enough for you.

I'm basically just a lodger here I guess.

Except you don't pay rent. I don't see how any of this is his fault. You quit your job and sold your house to live off the proceeds. That's entirely on you. It would not be right to expect any share of his house.

Strangers on the internet are an uninvested, independent party. Sometimes that’s the best place to test out your own thinking and see if it holds up.

These things are never as straightforward when you’re in the middle of them, though.

It’s definitely time to put yourself and your future first. You’re in a house that embarrasses you with a noncommittal partner who is treating you like a lodger. Whatever happens to that relationship, you need to put down roots for yourself and yourself only.

Wise words.

It's concerning that you are dipping into your house sale proceeds even though you have no rent or mortgage to pay. That money should be growing not shrinking. 100% priority needs to go to more hours and more secure work right now. Then decide whether it's a relationship you want ro be in or not.

You're crying because of fear, I think. He has school age children and enough to think about. You need to sort your own stuff out quickly, then decide whether your new, sorted self wants him in your life or not. Being unable to cover your living costs is clouding your judgement.

If he has school age children, he can’t afford to provide you with the security you want. He owes it to them, not you.

It was madness to sell your home and rely on him for one when he clearly already had dependents that take priority. He probably does love you and would be hurt if you split because his desire to have a relationship you is not a reflection of his ability to provide financially for you if you split or he died.

If he does really love you, you getting a job and a flat won’t end your relationship entirely if you don’t want it to.

From what you've written, you'd be happier living in a tiny studio flat that was your own space than in a house with this man.

At the moment you have no security or autonomy. You deserve those things.

“ find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.”
“it's so hard to leave someone who declares such love for me.”
”he refuses to do any home improvements and if anything ever happened to him, or us, Id just be out on my arse, homeless”

OK, OP, so which if the above are actually true? Because a kind, caring, lovely man doesn’t make you live with a mouldy student-type bathroom, particularly when you’ve offered to pay half, or leave you living in such a state of insecurity that you could on the instant be made homeless. At the very least, I’d insist he made a will leaving you a life interest in his house, which would then go to his DC, so you would have somewhere to live if he were to pre-decease you. He seems to take the line of least resistance - it’s too much trouble to get people in to do the shower; he won’t commit to marrying you; he hasn’t written a will - so issue him with an ultimatum. It’s the only way anything will change. And if that doesn’t work, leave for your own sanity and self-preservation. Otherwise, as you have noted, you could literally be thrown out onto the street. Just don’t let him do this to you, OP: it’s time to take action, and find out just how “kind, caring and loving” he really is.

You said he has school aged children. I'll bet your half of the bills includes what they cost him when they come to stay. Also that he palms off some of the child minding on to you and that you do the majority if not all of the housework.

If any of those things are true, have a good hard think about whether someone who truly loves you would treat you that way.

Okay, I think you are mixing valid concerns with things that don't really make sense. If you were on your own you'd be paying bills. Paying half the bills seems fine, and doesn't seem to make you less secure? And living rent and mortgage free makes it easier to become independent (just make sure your investing what you would spend on rent). You say if anything happened to him you'd be out on your arse, but if you have years of rent-free living, surely you can build up a stash to provide a cushion.

Now if you hate where you live and he can't move, well that's a complaint that makes sense to me. If your location means you can't get the type of job you want, in a way that makes you more vulnerable, I also get that.

But I understand why your partner might find it confusing given there way you've framed it here, and that might have been making the conversation harder.

Well you would have needed to pay rent to live somewhere op.

Please don’t be too down on yourself. It sounds as if your last relationship put you through the mill. Your current bf is not who you thought he was. This is not a committed relationship. I’m so sorry.

Just a word of encouragement; our brains our wired to keep us safe which is why sometimes it feels easier to stay than take the risk of leaving. But now you don’t feel safe staying either because of the insecurity of your situation. Better to chose your hard and take that leap! Imagine living independently and peacefully in a lovely flat somewhere with a beautiful bathroom 💐. You are strong, you survived your last relationship and you will survive this one and you can do this!

Btw, I would keep your plans close to your chest and only announce your departure when everything is set up. Good luck.

Don't make it 6,7 or 8 years. You are not enjoying life. Make decisions to make yourself happy starting now.

You need to prioritise yourself.

It's perfectly clear that he has no intention of providing any security for you. Staying with him is against your best interests. He has forced this position on you so feel no guilt about leaving and moving on with your life.

"Just don't want to face the facts that are staring me in the face."

But, you must. There really isn't anything scary. Pack up your belongings and just go.
No forwarding contact info.
You are in a types of abusive controlling relationship. He's dragging you down. Your self esteem sounds non-existent.
If you try and talk things through, try for more, try to get him to understand your needs you will waste more time and energy and nothing will change. You'll just be older, feel worse and have less money. You've tried and tried and tried to no avail. If you can't plan your exit then just find a flat to rent now, pack up when he's gone for the day and get out. Honestly.

I think a lot of us missed this, it's quite an important piece of information I feel.

He has school aged kids. That's who the house will (rightly) be going to. You need to secure your own future accommodation.

Action not words, I'm afraid.
Love is demonstrated not proclaimed.

Interesting that you say it"s hard to leave someone who loves you, yet you don't say you wont leave because you love him?

Its understandable that it is difficult for you to break free of this situation as from everything you have written, it sounds like you are repeating a pattern. From one financially abusive relationship to another, albeit this is in a different way.

Only you can change your own situation into one that is best for your needs,, living conditions, future financial security and ultimately happiness. You can only control your own actions. Staying and continuing to hope he'll change his mind and take action when there's never been any evidence of such yet is a choice you are making.

A good question to ask yourself is if you KNEW this situation would remain the same in a years time, or five years time, or ten years time, would you be happy?

Is this relationship giving you what you actually want and need?

You are not an idiot. You were sold a dream. And now real life has started to bite you on your behind.

Better now than a few years or more down the road.

Sometimes strangers on the internet have walked down similar roads and just don’t want to see someone making the mistakes they did. Sometimes strangers can see things we might have convinced ourselves aren’t happening. Sometimes strangers can help you see the life you could have.

No-one is saying it is definitely going to be peachy and easy. It might be. It might be more of a struggle. It might be bloody tricky to start with.

But you won’t be living your life on the whim of someone else. You can maybe see that there is a lovely world out there where you don’t have to feel unsure, you don’t have to worry about someone else ignoring your concerns and you can absolutely lay down the foundations where you have a say in your destiny. There is such power and peace in that.

Some of us strangers on the internet are out the other side and are here to tell the tale. 💐

Hmm just a guess, you are doing all the housework, right?
Take all the advice you've been given, dear OP.

Love is action.

Dosen't sound very 'kind and caring' to me.

Even more reason not to be too concerned about his ‘upset’ reaction to your suggestion about purchasing a flat. He has his security. Where’s yours? A selfish reaction on his part, I’m afraid. Particularly given he’s avoiding discussing the matter entirely. It’s because in his eyes, it doesn’t affect him. Put yourself first and be savvy about your future finances.