Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

There are multiple issues here.

You both had property, you chose to sell yours and keep the money.
You chose to quit your job and aren't really earning so presumably living off the money from your house sale and have been doing so for 5 years.
He's got kids from a previous relationship.
He refuses to fix a mouldy bathroom.

I can't see a pattern of abuse here. You chose to sell your house and you chose to quit your job. Did he stop you from getting another job and force you to be financially dependent on him? That doesn't seem to be what you've said.

If the bathroom is structurally sound, you can use HG bathroom mould spray. Are you using this regularly?

Have you been living off the proceeds of sale from your house for 5 years and that is what has enabled you to semi retire? Are those now significantly depleted? What sort of security are you looking for from this man? The proceeds of his house? But he has children.

I feel like I must be missing something because the easiest way to financial independence and security is a job, any job, and saving. If this isn't what you've been doing and instead no job and spending, this is probably why you feel in a tricky position.

Stop listening to him declaring love and see how he’s acting. People can make their mouths say anything! Actions are ALWAYS what you should heed.
He’s awful.

Because he’s shown you fake love after you told him about your last relationship you think he’s great. He’s not great at all. He’s just as abusive , controlling snd very selfish and you need to get out.

I know you love him but, on his part, these are all words. I’m a strong believer in actions speaking louder than words. What are his actions saying? I think they’re saying what mumtobabyhavoc has said. I think you would be quite vulnerable if/when anything happened to him so he’s quite wrong about your financial position. Personally, I wouldn’t spend my money improving the en-suite. Oh and he’s not being clever not making a will. Does he have children? Be careful that you don’t end up being his carer as he gets older. I’m sorry you’re in this position because I do think you love him and I expect he has good points but I also think you should be loving yourself and making provision for yourself while you can.

He can declare his love until the cows come.
home, and it means nothing! Hos actions are saying otherwise.

I fear you have another financially disastrous union on your hands here, andyoureally need tosecure your futureaway from this man.
Of course he doesn't want you buying a
property. You'll then be in a stronger position to leave him and his bullshit behind. He wants you to remain vulnerable, so he can keep you trapped in his mouldy, broken down house.
Please speak with Women's Aid or similar for some support, and start quietly setting yourself up. This man is not good for you, and you can make the break again.

If he's got kids he's not going to be leaving you his house, he'll be leaving it to them. That's why he's avoiding marriage as well.

Sort out a proper job as soon as possible before all of your savings are gone or not enough for a deposit. In your 50’s you’ll still be able to get a mortgage but, the longer you leave it, the more expensive it will be as the term will be shorter.
He’s not a kind and caring person as he hasn’t taken to consideration your need for security or a decent home. Don’t be a mug for much longer. If he’s mature and secure, he’ll understand your need to secure a future for yourself.

I think you need to accept that the life you want isn’t what your partner wants. You are essentially a paying guest in his house and he prefers the status quo and you don’t. Either accept this or move on already, the mouldy en-suite whispers to you every time you enter the en-suite, that it isn’t your home and your wants don’t count and probably never will. Base your next move on this reality.

Stop listening to 'declarations of love' and look very hard at how he treats you. You are unhappy, embarrassed to have friends to stay, anxious about raising issues, have no future security, and don't like the environment you live in with absolutely no power to change it. Thats quite ^^a miserable list. Someone throwing a few ' I love you enormously ' statements around is not worth the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think of your future.

I think you need to have a very good think about this relationship and the endgame for you. So far I get you are being kept in the dark, no real commitment, shouted at if you voice any concerns or needs and not even allowed to make your own decisions about your own money. Is that it in a nutshell?
If it is, you decide if its financial abuse and how much you want to take.

Don't be that cross at yourself - you would have had living expenses in the last 5 years wherever 'home' was so you won't have massively spent more than was simply necessary for day to day life. Now the mist has cleared and you've seen your situation through fresh eyes it's clear change is required.....and you can't change him so it must be you and your situation that changes.

As pp's have said, do this for yourself, you're worth it, you are deserving of a good life. As someone up thread said, I don't think, sadly, that your partner is that great, he just isn't quite as shit as your ex-husband and for a while that was just about enough, but not now. Good luck and stay strong.

This poor guy has been kind enough to let you move in rent/ mortgage free with only bills to cover when you were financially vulnerable and didn’t have a lot of stability to offer him and still don’t by the sounds of it when living off savings, minimal work and no assets yet he doesn’t mind and has given you a home and safety.

He has kids they will always be his financial priority and I’m sure he plans to give everything to them and rightly so.

Is your not happy leave, but he is doing no wrong protecting his financial assets

You are in another abusive relationship. It looks different to your last abusive relationship so you can't see it as such but that's exactly what it is.

Well I go think it’s fair she pays half the bills, she does live there. She’s not paying any rent/mortgage so presumably that can be saved to build up her own investments. If the income isn’t large enough to do that then that needs working on. If the op can’t afford to pay her own rent/mortgage then not sure that she can complain really

A relationship where you walk on eggshells is not a happy one. You need security for your future. If he cannot see that ,and also actively provide it/ allow you to buy a flat then he is absolutely not a lovely man.

There’s 2 issues:

• you are living in a house that you are not comfortable with and can’t change. You need to discuss this and make it clear the impact this has
• you need to gain some financial security. But I don’t quite get the issue here, you released funds from your own house - what have you done with them? Presumably you can invest them in either property, shares etc so that you have some financial security if things fall apart.

He has school age children so he needs to leave his house to them, not you. I think it's quite common in later life relationships not to get married for this reason.

You've saved money over the last five years by only paying half the bills. If you were living on your own you'd have had to pay all the bills AND the rent/mortgage. The main problem here is that you are struggling to find a job, which isn't his fault.

The only thing he's done wrong that I can see is not sort out the bathroom. Unless the bills are particularly high because he has a large property, or you subsidise his children when they're with you? If so, I would suggest to him that your share should go down.

Finding a job is your priority here. I don't think he will marry you.

I don't really understand the comments recommending leaving only to rent. This offers no real security either, although someone else would be responsible for repairs. The OP doesn't currently have a permanent full-time job. She would have to fund all the rent and bills from her rapidly reducing savings just to live, assuming a landlord was even willing to take her on.

The priority is getting a permanent job to fund the next move.

So if he died tomorrow who would inherit the house? And where would you live if that happened?

It happened to a neighbour of mine. After 25:years living with her partner he died, no will. His children, who she considered family, chucked her out of the house immediately. They didn't even let her take any furniture as they said she had no proof she'd bought any of it.

This made me really push my partner to get married after 30 years together, house in his name. He used to look like a wet dog when I suggested marriage but luckily he changed his mind.

He's not going to commit is he? He can't even commit to a new bathroom. Yes I'm afraid you have been silly by moving in with him so fast and selling your property - and why aren't you saving like mad if you're only paying half of bills and no rent or mortgage?
You are hoping for him to turn into someone he's not, and for him to fix your financial mistakes by what? What are you waiting for him to do? Marry you so you can invest your money in his house? That doesn't seem on the cards, and without marriage your money is safer in your bank account, but it's losing money each year that goes by where it's not invested in anything!

There is truth to this, but it won't address the relationship issues OP is describing. The lack of care, or being seen as an equal in the supposed home she lives in

I think OP, start making moves to do your own thing (the salaried job for mortgage etc.) If you want to keep him in your life without the current living arrangement, you can. You don't have to break up with him.

I don't know if that would work for you, if something is slowly retreating in you because you are not experiencing the care and commitment you crave. But at least by then you will have your own place ready to go to.

It will be interesting to see how he will react. He does as he pleases - protecting his assets - and you're expected to accept that. Can he reciprocate that? Or will he be sore that he will have to pay all his own bills?

@GreatPlumBiscuit stop beating yourself up and just start to get your ducks in a row. You dont have to split up, you just have to future proof your life ahead. I would quietly start gathering info on costings/rentals/mortgages. If you are using your own savings for this house though, then id be moving out much quicker. If you arent, then id be biding my time.

He just sounds like someone who floats along and also who naturally wants his assets to go to his own children. The current situation suits him.

I also know people who were in similar scenarios and ended up stuck because they ran out of money. Don't be like that. You're in an ok position now to help yourself.

Get the job and double save before you leave and have to start paying out on rent or mortgage.

Just to add to my earlier post. I’d buy a buy to let, then overpay as much as possible (using the fact you don’t pay rent to your advantage).

He wants his assets to go to his kids. I agree with him. He may be happy with you buying a buy to let. Maybe it will help you feel secure and him open up. Why did you sell your place and not rent it out?

The money is not the problem it’s the avoidant man.

The writing is in the wall here. He will not discuss things, you are on your own.

Plan accordingly.

It’s not a partnership if he is an avoidant. It’s just not.