Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

I think it’s hard for things to move forward positively if he can’t/wont hear you and is unable to have a proper conversation without an emotional reaction. Your need for security is entirely reasonable and its up to him how he chooses to respond to that. His current choices have certain consequences which he may not like but he has to sit with that because he does have the option of responding differently. I think you need to create your own financial security. Buy a small property as soon as you are able. I’ll be honest- after 5 years, I think you need to more on. Not saying he’s a bad guy but you can’t be with someone who lives only on their own terms. You deserve better.

Stocks and shares ISAs are outperforming inflation ( if you invest in the right ones ) by a long shot

I don’t get the issue currently

if you weren’t living with him you’d be renting someone or paying mortgage . Simply use your money to invest in a property and rent it out or invest it as you have. Keep your money separate. His property isn’t yours and you shouldnt expect it to be - you’re simply paying your share of living g costs currently as you should be. You are two financially independent people with no joint children or anything.

What are you expecting?

But he objected to her investing her money in a buy to let, as it felt like she was dumping him!

@GreatPlumBiscuit ISAs and savings accounts aren't keeping up with inflation. Better options are to invest in a SIPP or get that buy to let. As pp suggested, see a broker for the BTL mortage.
I don't see how the partner could possibly object to a change of investment focus and claim that it's the equivalent of 'dumping' him.

He doesn’t sound great for a number of reasons but if you really do want to be with him whilst wanting some
security, use the released funds to buy an apartment that you let out. You’ll always have it should you need to move out (might need short term rental but hey go)

There are a few things here. I think it's completely understandable he wants to protect his assets. It's also absolutely right that you should not contribute to repairs, because that then risks you having a stake in the house. Does he have children? It's 100% right that his assets should go to his children, not someone who came along a few years ago.

Why are you seeking security from a man?? What if a man said he was seeking financial security from a woman? I am absolutely appalled at this concept. I am 50, and have never taken money from a man, or relied on one financially. Stood on my own two feet all my adult life. Equally, if a man came along wanting to marry me for his financial security, and was trying to worm his way into the deeds of my house by paying for repairs, I would run a mile!

However, one key difference is that I am absolutely clear about my intentions to never marry or live with someone from the early days of any relationship. I am also kind, and don't shout, or get angry or become hostile. Your partner's behaviour is completely different, and he sounds unpleasant

Absolutely sunk cost fallacy.

You need to escape. 💐

I completely agree. I cannot believe the posters suggesting she try and have some claim over is house, it’s ridiculous. If she was a man people the advice would be completely different. Why would you marry someone who has no job and could potentially take your property and leave nothing for your children. They’d be called a cocklodger! Why would you be entitled to a property where you have contributed nothing to the mortgage? The OP has had an amazing deal so far!

OP, that mouldy bathroom represents your future with this man. Something you eventually put up with because it isn't going to change, to get better, unless HE decides it will. He coasts along with the status quo, seems to have no energy for forward planning. And you will be left high and dry if anything happens to him.

You, however, have shown great strength. You removed yourself from a bad situation and came out the other side.

You say everybody loves him. Would they love him if they lived in that house paying half the bills but getting so little in return? You need a man who loves you, and loving you means listening and caring about your feelings, not just saying the right words. All the signs are pointing to the fact that he is incredibly selfish and stubborn. i mean, yes, it's his house, so if he wants to live in squalor, fine, but you have a choice. Get out and spread those wings! It might be hard, but in a year's time, you could be sinking into a lovely, clean bathtub of your own!

You're not paying half his bills... They're also your bills. .he doesn't want to marry you. That would take away from his children on his death.
What security is it you seek?
If he has school aged children, his house will go to them on his death. The needs to provide for them, not a girlfriend he's had for a few years. Why would it go to you? You had a house, which you sold. It's not his fault that you don't have a reliable job.
If he doesn't want to fix his gross bathroom (eew) then that's up to him, it's HIS house - but he shouldn't be shouting at you.

I think you’d be surprised how quickly you’ll be able to recover your situation when you’re not in this relationship. He is dragging you down by refusing to talk about finances and make provisions for you. He has children so presumably doesn’t actually want you to have any rights to his wealth. So yes, you are a lodger with contract.

Rent somewhere for one year to get you out of this relationship and I bet by the end of that year you will have a new job and a totally new perspective on the next chapter of your life. You will be able to buy somewhere just for you and find peace.

@GreatPlumBiscuit you have had all the answers here so this is just a bit of solidarity. The first relationship I went into after leaving my abusive one was… also abusive 🤦‍♀️

After that one, I did what I should have done in the first place and was single for five years, living on my own with my dc, and it was the best thing ever. No compromises, no one moaning at me, apart from my child 😂 no mess that I hadn’t made.

i do now have a lovely man in my life, but the difference now is that I’m not afraid to be alone, so I have the power to choose him. That’s really powerful for me, knowing that I am making an active choice to be here (as is he) and not just here because I need someone to validate me.

there is hope and a future for you, and you do have the power to choose yourself 💪💐💪

If you buy a buy-to-let property with a BTL mortgage it’s based on the rental yield rather than your income. Is that something you could explore?
buy something in your name and let it out until you ever need to move in. The rent pays the mortgage.

Why are you asking him, it's your money you buy a flat if that's what you want to do

Well he can’t have it all ways, he needs to be making some sacrifices and not just you.

If you don't want to be left up shit creek, then my strongest advice would be to stop paddling up it.

You're making multiple small decisions that are increasingly reducing your choices and agency to act. Stop handing over the power to men and start being an adult for yourself.

Good luck.

Stop giving yourself such a hard time! He’s a great guy but issues that you’re aware of now mean you can no longer live together. Just move out and see if he wants to continue the relationship.

You haven’t done anything wrong, just move out and see what happens next.

Stop hoping and take this for yourself
Never rely on a man for your security

Edit He knows but he doesnt care
Its how they keep control, stringing you along , keeping you in the game
He wont change

‘He shouted at me for suggesting to do up the mouldy en-suite ‘ he’s not a lovely man. Buy a flat and leave

This. People should not be encouraging OP to claim on this house, when she's effectively a lodger. She should be getting her own house, be it through shared ownership or other. 5 years with paying no mortgage should have left her able to save.

That house is, rightly, for his kids. This information should have been in the original OP, not drip fed towards the end.

You're not in a "very committed relationship". There's no commitment whatsoever. You're his lodger. (Does he have kids? What's in his will?).

So the relationship is fine as long as you pay bills (with nothing to show for it), do what he wants, ask for nothing and accept however he chooses to treat you without complaint? If you do much as make a suggestion, he shouts you down? Is this the behaviour of someone who cares about your happiness or your feelings?

Anyone can SAY they love someone. If they don't ACT like they do as well, maybe you shouldn't believe it. Do you, really? Or is it just something he says to get you to stay, accept the status quo and shut up? Does he care that you're unhappy? Does he care about your future security at all? Does he really care about anything except keeping everything the way he wants it? Actions speak louder.

OP, I was coming up 58 when I left my husband. Yes it was hugely scary, but also the most satisfying of times to be free of him, his indifference, his financial and emotional abuse and his mess. I was free to live how I wanted for once. I highly recommend it.

This man is not going to commit. He's avoidant of the subject and, bearing in mind he has kids, he probably wants to ensure they inherit everything when he dies. Stupid not to have a will though. Even if you stay, and I'd find it hard to stay in a rotting house, you shouldn't be paying towards maintenance and repairs of an asset you don't co-own. Only utilities and food, and proportional at that if he has kids living there. I'd even balk at paying towards house insurance because it's not your house.

First thing you should do is get a permanent job - no mean feat in this crap economic times. Take regular breaks from him and the house, before leaving him when you’re settled. It’s unlikely you would be allowed to rent a flat with no permanent job.

You want him to change, but he won’t, so you need to. He’s no prize but how much money have you effectively saved by living there rent-free for five years? Do you think deep down this is a reason you’re still there? I wouldn’t be wanting to marry you either, if I had assets and children.

You both aren’t even half-way to being compatible.

I have a different perspective than most of the replies here.

You are not paying his bills. You are quite rightly sharing the cost of utilities. They are your bills too.

If the roles were reversed, absolutely no-one on here would be suggesting you hand over equity to him. You wanting security doesn't come at the expense of the equity he owns.

He has school age children. Again its quite right that he isn't providing for you in a Will. Its your responsibility to obtain your own long term security.

You haven't been paying rent/mortgage for years. So where has that money gone? Its your responsibility to find more secure work so you can obtain a mortgage.

Its his house. If he doesn't want a new bathroom that is his choice. You have the choice to move out but that is going to be very expensive for you.

I think you need to stop blaming him because in terms of finances he hasn't done anything wrong.

Its a big red flag he shouted over a shower. Get your own place, enjoy his company, but be queen of your own hive so to speak; you're too old for cowtowing to some slob who wont maintain his property, surely?