Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

OP, I agree with others that he's not kind or loving if he's not interested in your concerns and welfare. Ridiculous that he won't address the mould. He's making sure you don't spend money on home maintenance so you'll always be considered a lodger rather than a partner in a relationship.

He's right to prioritise his children though. I would do everything I could to move out and continue seeing him if you both want that. Zero consideration for him being 'hurt' in that situation. He doesn't care that you're rightly feeling anxious about your own future.

Could you invest the money in stocks and shares? To generate some decent interest whilst also giving him the 50% bill money?

Sounds like you were looking for a Knight to swoop in and save you from your previous heartache and decided that he fits the bill.

He really isn’t your saviour. He’s a user who will always prioritise his own wants above yours. Sadly, lots of men are like this whilst declaring undying love and women only hear what they want to hear. Words are cheap and it’s only actions that count.

Realistically, how often do you give in and over compromise to keep things sweet?

Whilst you stay, absolutely nothing will change except you will grow older and be less secure.

Do not, under any circumstances, give him money for his house. You are vulnerable, he could turf you out at a moment’s notice so you should have contingency plans.

Manage your finances as if you were a single woman.

@GreatPlumBiscuit but he's a lovely man???
Clearly doesn't regard his house as your home.
Wouldn't work for me.

This is not a 'lovely man'.
You need to protect what you have in the bank and make plans to leave this relationship. Whatever you do, don't deplete your funds even more by investing in his property. Think about it - he chucks you out, or you decide to leave, or he dies - you've invested in his property and your money is gone.
He is telling you that he will never marry you, he will never leave you anything in his will. For goodness sake get out and build a happy life before it's too late.

Exactly this. Take a look at RIO mortgages.

Well marriage would improve your legal situation so maybe you aren't being so unreasonable about that. But I am a bit concerned about the shouting at you bit.

He is as bad as he sounds as he is using his emotional reactions to try to stop her from having security by buying a home of her own.

You're his lodger @GreatPlumBiscuit

You can have a mortgage if you're pensioned. It's all taxed income. Lots of banks go to 80. Speak to a broker.

Start looking for a flat or small house. He's not going to propose.

the issue is not that he wants to protect his home, that is perfectly sensible, it’s that he also objects to OP buying a home of her own. And is trying to emotionally black mail her into not doing so. That is what makes him a selfish arse ( or possibly controlling).

It’s all very well saying he loves you, but he’s not showing it at all. It’s just empty words. He doesn’t sound a nice person.

I missed that, also. So he got himself a nanny.

OP - my advice doesn’t change. A decent man doesn’t encourage a woman to quit her job and move himself into her home then refuse to talk about the situation.

At minimum, it’s time for you to focus on your own financial stability and future. He’s not going to do that.

Sorry but I think you should have mentioned his school aged children in the initial post as that will change how people view the situation. If it was a reverse and it was you with the kids in the house you owned people would definitely be saying protect your own assets, and make sure the partner didn't have a claim to them.

I think your priority needs to be finding a job so that you aren't relying on savings.

Would you have been able to continue to pay for your own property if you hadn't moved in with him? I think you need to evaluate this as you say you gave up your job which presumably has given you time to recoup, which maybe you wouldn't have been able to do had you stayed living alone paying full costs for everything.

I don't think he is as bad as he sounds and the whole financial abuse line isn't the case once you take into account his children.

I just need to know I'm not going to be left up shit creek in my later life

With kindness because I know it's going to be difficult to face reality but no one owes you financial security. Least of all a boyfriend. You have to make this for yourself.

Your partner has made his life work for HIM. Now you need to do the same for yourself and quickly!

Stop spending your savings on living costs. Definitely don't spend money on a house you don't own. Remember you have less rights than a lodger. Focus on building a financial base. You can do it!

Just don't make a man your financial plan, he has told you if anything happens to him you will need to rely on your savings so you are on your own financially. Of course he doesn't want you to move out, he will lose out financially and once you have financial stability he has less control. He giving you an ultimatum as views you establishing financial security as a threat to the relationship.

I think you might need to question why you gave up your previous home for a man, who you didn't know.

He has children. It's not control and abuse if he's protecting his children. Though you'd think part of that would be protecting their inheritance by making sure the bathroom was fixed. I wouldn't be making a will leaving the house to OP in his position either. This is one reason I will never have a relationship if I am widowed. I want to protect the assets for my children.

He was not your first husband. He was your husband, now ex-husband. There never was a second husband and that’s exactly the problem here. This man won’t marry you. He won’t invest in his own home, he won’t even let you invest in his own home. (Please do not invest in this man’s home!) He won’t make a will. He has young children - he’s not going to leave you a thing. He shouts at you when you are trying to be nice, lovely and sensible. I hope that after having read all comments, you can start putting yourself first. Focus on a job. Focus on investing your money, in a house or otherwise. Stop trying to fix his mouldy bathroom and start investing in yourself. Just do it. No talking it over with him, no discussing it with him, no asking him if he thinks it’s a good idea. Just.Do.It. Then move out. This man is not lovely, you’ll be better of without him. (And for the love God, stop hoping he’ll ruin things for the two of you. He already has!) Stop thinking, start doing. You said you’re scared and that’s understandable. But you CAN do this OP.

Some money in the bank doesn’t future proof you with financial security. You are in an unequal relationship. You need to stand up for yourself and ask him to prove this so called love for you by securing your future.

How on earth is it his responsibility to provide anything the OP is not a child

Even leaving aside the fact that he is comfortable with you being homeless if he died or he didn’t want you anymore, ( he justifies this to himself as you have savings, and he’s told you this. He won’t even feel bad about it), this is still a bad relationship. The biggest predictor of relationships failing is how couples can talk about and resolve differences ( read Gottman). And you two can’t. His emotional reactions have made you scared to even talk about differences of opinion ( the en-suite). Not only is he using his emotional reactions to control you, but he is also making clear that this is his home and property, not yours.

I was similar to you OP. Previous ‘relationship’ my Father, made me think someone who loved and adored me was someone to stay with ( and I did love him). But over time I realised what he loved was how he felt about me, and what I brought to his life. Not me.

You are in a difficult situation. It is hard to get a permanent job in this economy at your age. But you need to keep trying. Your goal is to buy a home of your own.

Stop contributing to repairs and upgrades at his -he has made it clear it’s his home, not yours, so he can pay for that. Just pay for your share of bills. Save as much as you can, stop going into savings.

It’s not a great situation but don’t panic about imminent homelessness. He probably won’t kick you out. This situation suits him. But it’s not great for you. So do keep making an exit plan. Preserving your savings is a big part of that.

He wants you to stay to share his bills
not the behaviour of a good person

after your precious experience why do you think you have allowed yourself to be financially abused again?

would not living with your boyfriends be a safer option for you?

Anyway OP I hop you got a bit of sleep and are ready to face the day with fresh resolve to build your iwn future, yourself. 💪💪

Civil partner or not you are a grown woman you are responsible for yourself a man isn't

NOOOOO!!!
Never show them this thread!
HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING
Its a form of control!
If you show/ tell you are arming them further to be controlling/ abusive
Sorry to shout but do not do this @GreatPlumBiscuit

OP, you describe this man as “kind, caring, lovely to me”. Yet, he’s not, is he? He ignores or dismisses your concerns, has shouted at you, and you are scared to raise issues with him for fear of his reaction. He also refuses to discuss marriage, wills or future provision. These are all red flags. He actually sounds quite controlling.

He got very upset when you suggested getting your own place. Not surprising when he has you there paying 50% of all his bills and household costs. I think you need to think very carefully about this. I think the idea of buying a small flat and renting it out is a good one. You would not be leaving him necessarily, but you’d always have that option. And you’d be investing your pot of money in bricks and mortar, on something that will hopefully increase in value faster than any savings accounts.

This man is not the prince you think he is.