To not want LDR boyfriend to stay

If your DD2 can't cope with your DD1's BF staying overnight she really isn't going to cope with uni. Absolutely no one will pander to her issues and she will just have to get on with it. Which will probably do her good.

Does DD1 have a point? Do you baby DD2? It is totally understandable if you do, but of course, this will have bred resentment in your eldest. Honestly, it doesn't sound unreasonable to me that she wants to wake up with her BF on her bday and you've already said that they won't be getting in until late. Neither should get priority over the other, and neither is being unreasonable so you shouldnt really have to be the peace keeper.

Do you think your DD2 sometimes does things like this on purpose to get one over on DD1 and to make it known she's in charge so to speak. I personally think DD2 needs to stop being so precious. She is in for an almighty shock at uni.

The night before leaving for uni is quite a big deal and your DD will probably be quite stressed about it, so I don’t think the boyfriend should be there.

The night before your 25th birthday is not really a thing and if DD1 and BF want to spend it tougher particularly they could get a hotel. Or he could arrive on her birthday as originally planned.

In this instance I think leaving home is a big deal and you DD2 should not have a random semi stranger around so I would say he can’t stay stay on Friday night. In general however, DD2 when she returns needs to get used to the idea that DD1 BF may stay over regularly.

Telling her that her boyfriend should pay to stay in a premier inn because her sister doesn't want him in the house even though she won't see him is unbelievably power tripping bullshit frankly.

I didn’t say OP should tell her dd he can stay in a PI.

I said he can stay in one if he wants to.

He doesn’t need Op to suggest it, he’s an adult who can make his own decision.

Sounds like you have a long history of pitting your kids against each other and now that has come back to haunt you.

"DD2 just wants DD1 to put her first, which she never does and that's part of the issue " stood out for me.

On DD1's birthday.

Does DD2 ever put DD1 first?

I do think your oldest probably has the moral high ground, but as others say, it's your house - if you say no boyfriend on your birthday eldest, because youngest wanting to be the centre of attention is my priority, then you can.

Whilst there's "no men in my daughter's house if it makes her uncomfortable" would absolutely be right before everything IF it was the issue, you say it isn't - DD2 wants DD1 to pit DD2 first, on DD1's birthday.

It sounds like you have a history of prioritising DD2 to the detriment of DD1 and she probably feels pushed out of the family and very lonely. She's wanting her bf there so that she at least has someone to celebrate her birthday with her as you and DD2 will not be there. At the end of the day it's your house and your decision but if you choose DD2 over DD1 like always I wouldn't be surprised if DD1 moves out and goes low contact with you

Dd25 needs to get a hotel with the boyfriend!! And leave home!!!

Yes it's OP's house but her daughter is 25 not a teenager so 'my house my rules' isn't really the right way to do anything. Telling her that her boyfriend should pay to stay in a premier inn because her sister doesn't want him in the house even though she won't see him is unbelievably power tripping bullshit frankly.

It's a very standard message board abbreviation, it's been around for years and has absolutely nothing to do with ai.

Are you happy not to see your eldest daughter on her birthday at all @BurnoutGP? You admit you prioritise time with the youngest already and you are now refusing a reasonable request from the daughter that contributes to the house. Youngest wouldn't even see them until the morning if they are both working late.

Are you refusing to allow boyfriend to be there in the morning too to suit your other daughter? Offer to pay for a hotel so your daughter can spend her whole birthday with someone who cares enough to spend the full day. Just don't expect her to come home before you leave.

I don't think it's unreasonable for DD1 to want her BF to stay over so he is there on her birthday morning. If your DD2 is off to Uni, she will have to deal with housemates having people in and out and staying over etc.

If DD1 feels that you have always put DD2 needs before her own, this is just another example of that.

Can you pay for a hotel for your dd1 and her bf Friday night and celebrate Thursday? She won’t want to be woke up by you and dd2 zipping round the house anyway. Compromise. No one is hurt in the process.

DD2 is anxious, but I'm not sure going to uni trumps a birthday. I would ask DD1 if you could do something together e.g. take away on Thursday evening to say goodbye to DD2 and then let the bf stay on Friday night. I think it's pretty mean to refuse him to stay the night before DD1s birthday.

Both of your DDs are being unreasonable. You are fine.

I'd suggest tell them they are both doing your head in, you are caught in the middle of them rattling on about you putting one or the other first. You're not, just trying to balance their competing needs. It's reasonable for older DD to want boyfriend to stay, it's reasonable for the younger to want a quieter house for the night. It's more than reasonable for you to tell them both to wind their necks in, it's unreasonable of both of them to put all this on you.

I've asked (and told) DD1 that would prefer he didn't stay friday night. That he can come Saturday morning. She has point blank said no and gone off in a huff.

DD1 doesn’t just get to say no. It’s your house, you decide who stays and how long.

The plan was her boyfriend comes on Saturday after DD2 has left. Everyone should stick to that. He can stay in a Premier Inn if he wants to travel on the Friday.

It sounds like that allowances are made for DD2 to the detriment of the family dynamic with DD1. I understand why you’ve acted the way you have but I don’t think you’re helping DD2, her relationship with DD1 or your relationship with DD1 by always prioritising her wants. How prepared is DD2 to living in a situation where essentially her wants/needs are not always the priority?

You’ve made a decision, expecting DD1 to be happy with it is not your call and DD2 also needs to accept that too.

DD2 won't even see the boyfriend. DD1 wants to see her boyfriend and is asking for something very reasonable. You are pushing DD1 to make yet another allowance for DD2 which she feels is unreasonable. I know you want to keep the peace and avoid DD2 getting upset but is that not the main issue for DD1? You always default to pacifying DD2 to DD1's cost?

😂😂

Me too!! I basically lost interest halfway through and now don't care what the DDs do or don't do!

Bf should only stay Sat night.
Going to Uni is stressful for all and a big change.
You and dd2 need a calm night with final packing etc.
Dd1 has him coming the next day and staying then. At 25 she is old enough to understand the bigger picture.

Sounds like dd1 often gets sidelined because dd2 has higher needs. I could understand her being cross that yet again for her birthday dd1's preferences dictate what she can do for her birthday. The hotel might be a good compromise.

I'm also curious how dd2 is going to cope with uni when she struggles with one unknown person at home.

Your older DD should really be more considerate on this occasion. Going to uni is more of a big deal IMO than a 25th birthday, especially as you have explained your daughter's additional needs.

I think you should have made the decision on what was best. Asking dd 2 and telling dd1 was asking for trouble if they have form for this.