Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Friend inviting adult children to meet-ups.

232 replies

beanseggsbacon · 15/09/2026 21:28

NC

Not sure if AIBU so posting here for opinions.

We are a group of 8 friends. We have been friends for 30+ years. We meet every 3 months or so.

We all have children who are now aged between 16-25.

One of the group has now started inviting/bringing her three adult children.

We have a WhatsApp group with the 8 of us in it.

One of us will message the group to arrange the next meet up and this one friend will reply that they can come and so can her children.

I don’t want to meet up with her children, so I have declined the last meet up and just said I’m busy but to carry on without me.

I just think it completely changes the dynamic of the group and I don’t really want to share personal stuff that may be going on in my life that I would otherwise share with the group for their opinions etc

Two of the group also feel the same as me, but I don’t know about the others.

We haven’t been asked if it’s ok, we have just been told they are coming.

They also aren’t particularly nice to be around.

The time before last, I did go, but it was basically a monologue of them, their achievements and how amazing they are. No one else really got a word in.

AIBU?

Is this what normally happens in groups, when the children become adults? We never really all met up with the children as children.

I have a fairly dysfunctional family so don’t know if this is standard.

Opinions appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
JuliettaCaeser · 17/09/2026 17:16

Get bored thinking about my own dental crap let alone anyone’s else’s !

Pineneedlesincarpet · 17/09/2026 16:21

They sound eye-wateringly dull. Life is too short to put up with other people's children's dental crap.

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 17/09/2026 13:41

beanseggsbacon · 17/09/2026 08:46

To answer some other questions….

We all pay for ourselves we don’t split the bill.

They aren’t trying to sell anything.

Even when they aren’t there, it’s all my friend talks about really. We get every detail. Of everything they do. We even know about their dental work and doctors appointments.

Someone mentioned enmeshed. I think that’s probably correct.

Some women don’t move on from the baby phase where every microscopic detail is clucked over and awwwed when they share, even when it was just polite to begin with.

Holidaymodeon · 17/09/2026 11:05

JuliettaCaeser · 16/09/2026 07:23

Also do men get this? Or is it just women’s socials that are seen as a free for all for the whole family?! 🙄

Men definitely do do this

Mistachio · 17/09/2026 08:51

Turn it round -

“looking forward to seeing everyone on the 15th! Luckily my Shitpoke, Plopper and Keith can all make it! They’ve been getting jealous that (annoying friends DCs) get to join in the fun! Why don’t we all bring the kids along? We could end up with 23 of us so we’d better think about booking ahead”

Anonyanonay · 17/09/2026 08:47

beanseggsbacon · 15/09/2026 22:55

I think that’s the way forward.

I posted here in case I was out of touch as I would never in a million years have been invited to hang out with my parents and their friends. I was told to go upstairs and stay upstairs if they ever had dinner parties etc times have changed so needed to check it wasn’t me being odd.

Show quote history

I was the same when my kids were young. Just asked them how they'd like me hanging around and constantly interrupting their time with their friends. Funnily enough, they weren't keen and gave me space to see mine.

Original poster
beanseggsbacon · 17/09/2026 08:46

To answer some other questions….

We all pay for ourselves we don’t split the bill.

They aren’t trying to sell anything.

Even when they aren’t there, it’s all my friend talks about really. We get every detail. Of everything they do. We even know about their dental work and doctors appointments.

Someone mentioned enmeshed. I think that’s probably correct.

OP posts:
JuliettaCaeser · 17/09/2026 08:38

Then you feel mean that you are not joyfully assisting someone’s teen that struggles socially but I’m not quite saintly enough to sacrifice my looked forward to social time to do that on a regular basis.

Original poster
beanseggsbacon · 17/09/2026 08:38

I’ve messaged the 4 and we are meeting at the weekend for lunch.

I know 3 of us agree but not sure about the 4th persons opinion and I won’t mention it unless they do.

I went through our whole group chat to remind myself how this all started in the first place…

Someone suggested meeting up to go to a ticketed event, asked who wanted to go and they would organise the tickets.

The one who brings her adult children, replied with yes please, 4 tickets as XYZ would like to come too, if that’s ok? Then about 5 minutes later followed up with £X transferred for our tickets.

So they did ask if it was ok, but gave us no time to say no.

It’s not every time but I’d say, going through the chat, it’s every other.

I’ve reflected a lot on everyone’s comments and actually meeting up as a whole group I think has come to an end and I’m actually ok with that.

OP posts:
CrazyMidget · 17/09/2026 08:20

Airyfairy77 · 16/09/2026 18:47

This happened to me, I had a friend who had 3 kids and whenever we arranged to meet for lunch, or tea and cake or anything, she’d always bring along one or more child! Not telling me in advance, just turning up with them, either her 14 year old son, or 17 year old daughter, or the 19 year old daughter. As much as I liked the kids, it changed the whole dynamic of the meet up. Also I often wanted to treat my friend as I knew she struggled as a single mum but I wouldn’t as my finances didn’t stretch to treating the child/children too!! I eventually stop suggesting meet ups as I didn’t enjoy them

Some people never consider that bringing along extras - that is, people who are not friends of yours - completely changes what you can and can't talk about. It becomes a totally different evening.

I had a friend who would bring her friends - who I didn't know - along to things. No discussion, no would you mind, she would just say "Alison's coming to dinner with us tonight" and I'm thinking "I don't know Alison from Adam, but ooookay...I guess I'll be making polite small talk instead of talking with my friend about things I don't want a stranger knowing about me." And she did it all the time! I thought I was the only person who minded, but another person she was friends with mentioned it.

ADarknessOfDragons · 17/09/2026 08:19

JuliettaCaeser · 15/09/2026 21:42

Urgh I HATE this! If I wanted to talk about A level results or student houses I will talk to my own kids thanks.

We meet regularly and occasionally someone brings a young adult kid. Also it’s never the fun ones that will tag along with mum anyway. The normal kids wouldn’t be seen dead doing that.

100% this

The child I'd bring is my daughter with many difficulties who struggles with conversation and is very anxious.

I mean, I don't as she barely leaves the house and has only just turned 16. But i absolutely wouldnt.

It isn't normal.

Winger124 · 17/09/2026 07:29

My ILs do this. FIL used to moan about one of his friends always bringing their sons to things, now he and MIL never go anywhere without their youngest (who is in their 20s) and quite often the next youngest and their now family. Literally every time they go out to socialise!

Sobriety78 · 17/09/2026 06:53

beanseggsbacon · 15/09/2026 23:30

Are they invited by the group?

Or will the group ask if anyone wants to see XYZ and you reply with yes and ABC are coming too or do you all book tickets independently?

Do others in the group take their children?

Genuinely interested in how this works for your group.

Show quote history

Its usually just my kids and occasionally their friends that come along due to taste in music, these events are very much an open invitation thing anyway, other friends, colleagues, family members etc.
If they dont come I'll get asked what theyre doing instead.
I think noisy events are totally different though - its just singing and dancing and having a laugh. Nothing big or personal gets discussed and theres usually thousands of other people there too.
Going out for food or a brew and a cake is a very different matter though. The kids are 100% not invited - thats where we vent about stuff that they dont need to hear no matter how old they are

Awkwardisfunny · 16/09/2026 22:48

PennyPugwash · 15/09/2026 21:40

Stuff like this drives me insane.
My children and my friends children are much younger but a couple of years ago we were in a position whereby we had arranged to go out with another couple. Their babysitter cancelled so they messaged to say they’d just bring their child. I said no, we will just rearrange. They kept pushing and pushing and in the end I simply said, “I’m not organising and paying for a babysitter to come out with your child. I don’t even want to be with MY children tonight”
They thought I was mental!

Good for you! Who even does that??

PrettyLittleRose · 16/09/2026 22:15

YANBU. One of the women in a group of people I used to go out with for several years (up to 2 years ago,) started bringing her 18 year old daughter to everything, (she was 37 and most people were between 35 and 50, so it was weird.) I was glad when that social group broke down to be honest.

It's odd bringing your adult children along, unless other people in the group know them.

Laura95167 · 16/09/2026 22:08

I wouldnt want to meet up with my mums friends. I think its weird her kids want to come

JoyChansey · 16/09/2026 22:06

Just arrange to meet up and set up a separate group with the 3/4 others who also dislike her and her children being there.

If she gets the huff with all of you then so what? From the sounds of it, the rest of you still get on with each other.

You are free to meet whoever and whenever you want without having the entire group (i.e. her) involved.

Xmasbaby11 · 16/09/2026 19:55

My DC are not adults yet but I have found some friends (not many) just want to do everything with their kids. it's lovely in a way but hugely inconsiderate and showing lack of social awareness of how the extra guests change the vibe.

I agree with pp, stop meeting and just contact the friends you enjoy meeting. Life's too short to be railroaded into social events you know you won't enjoy for no good reason.

jdb9803 · 16/09/2026 19:54

beanseggsbacon · 15/09/2026 22:09

@WhatNoRaisins Yes! They are not nice to be around and the four of them basically hold court.

Show quote history

Which is why they don't have their own friends to go out with

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2026 19:51

beanseggsbacon · 15/09/2026 22:31

Yes

Show quote history

So what if she does ostracise you, you don't like her anyway!

Freud2 · 16/09/2026 19:43

beanseggsbacon · 15/09/2026 21:28

NC

Not sure if AIBU so posting here for opinions.

We are a group of 8 friends. We have been friends for 30+ years. We meet every 3 months or so.

We all have children who are now aged between 16-25.

One of the group has now started inviting/bringing her three adult children.

We have a WhatsApp group with the 8 of us in it.

One of us will message the group to arrange the next meet up and this one friend will reply that they can come and so can her children.

I don’t want to meet up with her children, so I have declined the last meet up and just said I’m busy but to carry on without me.

I just think it completely changes the dynamic of the group and I don’t really want to share personal stuff that may be going on in my life that I would otherwise share with the group for their opinions etc

Two of the group also feel the same as me, but I don’t know about the others.

We haven’t been asked if it’s ok, we have just been told they are coming.

They also aren’t particularly nice to be around.

The time before last, I did go, but it was basically a monologue of them, their achievements and how amazing they are. No one else really got a word in.

AIBU?

Is this what normally happens in groups, when the children become adults? We never really all met up with the children as children.

I have a fairly dysfunctional family so don’t know if this is standard.

Opinions appreciated.

Thanks

I would think exactly like you. I have a friend who lives a way away now and I only see her about twice a year. I was looking forward to our last meet up and at the last minute she said her daughter (25) had a day off and fancied coming. I was a bit annoyed for as you say, the dynamic would have been totally different. I made an excuse and cancelled. I did tell her on the telephone afterwards why and she thought I was being unreasonable - and that if my son had wanted to come she would have been perfectly ok about it. Probably the last thing my 26 year old would have fancied!

bananaobama · 16/09/2026 19:24

Did you post about this before?

i wonder if your friend is somehow hiding behind her kids? Is something going on ? Failing marriage or career? She doesn’t want to discuss so using kids and their wonderful achievements as a decoy

Goditsmemargaret · 16/09/2026 19:21

Ok I absolutely do NOT do this but when I started seeing my now DH he would do this, no question.

He just could not imagine a reality where anyone would not be honoured to be in their (fairly obnoxious) presence! I thought his perspective was adorable but oh so misguided, it actually led to some very awkward situations where I had to say "what the hell were you thinking, please leave and I will see you all at home".

Momager1234 · 16/09/2026 19:18

HazelHedgehog · 15/09/2026 22:47

My teenager son will often drop me off or pick me up after meals out, cinema etc and would maybe have a drink or quick chat (we share a car), is this normal ? I am wondering now if its annoying to my friends ?

This would annoy me...I also have a friend who does this and it's really irritating to have to chat with teenagers at the end of a lovely grown up evening. I also think that people too often say things like this are fine but it really winds them up.

Lotsofsnacks · 16/09/2026 19:15

beanseggsbacon · 15/09/2026 23:12

Actually, you are right.

She is very outgoing, will work a room and talk to anyone. Seems very friendly and an extrovert to new people.

Nothing is really off limits conversation wise though, but is an over sharer rather than a listener.

In our group setting, will make digs at you for things we may share about our children. She’s complicated. If she bought her daughter a £200 handbag, we’d here about it for 2 hours, if I bought my daughter a £200 handbag she’d make a sly dig.

Show quote history

Why do you want to be in a friendship group with an aggressive attention seeker who takes over all the time?

Id stop messaging on the main group and just see the other 3 nicer ones only going forward. Sounds like the remaining ones hang on the Queen Bee’s every word, and darent speak against her! Don’t be like them, move on

Swipe left for the next trending thread