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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask the teacher to support my other twin?

34 replies

Hummingbird233 · 15/09/2026 21:15

Am I being unreasonable to contact the teacher about this?

I have identical twins and they’re in Y5 and doing well at school. Both work hard and have nice friends. Teacher and school are great.

The issue we’re experiencing is that twin1 seems to be winning much more in the past 6 months - awards in school and outside in hobbies, and it’s starting to make twin2 feel very sad. Most of these have resulted from class/club voting or teacher selection, versus winning a race etc.

WIBU to email the teacher, who is lovely, and explain, asking if they could find something to award twin2? The school are handing out various roles within the school this term and I think it would really boost twin2 to receive something. I’m not trying to interfere with democracy, but it’s very hard being identical twins and having the direct and constant comparison.

I’d like to ask for their sake, but won’t if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
McSpoot · 15/09/2026 23:15

What if twin 2 wasn’t the “runner up”? Should they skip over that child so that twin 2 gets it rather than twin 1?

Whynottryagain · 15/09/2026 23:39

Watchoutfortheslowaraf · 15/09/2026 21:17

I don’t think you can ask them to award twin 2 something. But you can definitely email them and let them know twin 2 is struggling with confidence and self esteem at the moment and ask if there is anything that can be done at school to help support them. You could explain that they are comparing themselves to twin 1 who is doing well with awards and you are concerned that they have a negative view of themselves. But don’t ask for an award. Let twin 2 be awarded something they’ve earned

I'd probably do this, and also try to find something for each twin that is just theirs (eg one does football, one does trumpet. Or similar). Something DC2 is really keen on.

LauritaEvita · 16/09/2026 07:53

I’ve got a different consideration here: I think this would be unreasonable to the rest of the class. There was a mother of a boy in one of my kid’s class who would always be at the door asking for her son to be chosen for things because he’d been upset eg. He was crying when he found out what his costume for the nativity would be- could he have one of the main parts instead so he’s not upset? He’s been upset about not being chosen to do the art project- could he also do it? (About something where 2 kids from 30 were chosen).

She seemed oblivious that the rest of us were also often dealing with disappointed or upset kids but we didn’t think to go to the school to ‘fix it’. The teachers often gave up and just let this kid have/ do everything as they prob couldn’t face the mum going on otherwise. But this meant that other kids (with less pushy parents) will have missed out.

StillAGoth · 16/09/2026 08:44

I'm a primary teacher.

I wouldn't approach it as asking twin 2 to be chosen for something but raise the disparity with her and say you're concerned about the impact it's having on his self esteem. Just have a conversation.

There are lots of things his teacher can do to support him and increase his confidence without it being unfair on the other children or rigging class votes etc. She may also have some suggestions for you along the lines of finding something he excels or is passionate about himself.

The solution is to raise his confidence generally not to just make things equal.

Ablondiebutagoody · 16/09/2026 09:00

Ilmiocompleanno · 15/09/2026 23:15

The OP has said the school is handing out various roles this term. There iss no suggestion that all roles are decided via a vote.

Show quote history

So instead of being based on ability or how keen the student is, they should be given to the ones who's parents beg? Come on, Y5 is too old for that and it's unfair on the more able/keen kids who don't have helicopter parents.

AnonSugar · 16/09/2026 09:29

TwinklyAmberSloth · 15/09/2026 21:47

@Hummingbird233 I voted YABU but only because I also have twins. My twins are non-ID, and are like chalk and cheese.

They're now in Y6 and although there is only 1 primary class so I cannot separate them, they are very much two individuals who do well at totally different things. DS is an amazing artist, brilliant at maths, and loves reading/English. He struggles with social skills. DD is bright but not so keen on academic stuff, but is very sociable, and likes drama, dance and music.

I have had to fight hard to make sure they are seen as individuals.

Personally I'd let your twin 2 find their "thing" that they excel at and help them get noticed purely by talent, rather than asking for recognition.

I think boy/girl twins are different in this respect because they naturally have different hobbies/interests/friends.

AnonSugar · 16/09/2026 09:32

I also have ID twins and this is one of the hardest parts. My girls are 7. Their view is that everything must be fair. Twin 2 is currently not happy because twin 1 has more keyrings on her bag.

JustAnotherWhinger · 16/09/2026 09:48

I think it’s absolutely fair enough to speak to the teacher about twin2’s confidence and to ask what they can do to better their chances.

that’s not the same as asking for favours.

The quieter twin often can get missed out and the constant direct comparison every day can be really difficult and does need managing, especially when separate classes isn’t an option.

mumisfull · 16/09/2026 09:57

I think OP has already agreed that asking for an award is not the best route. I agree with the previous posters saying to have a conversation with the teacher about self esteem and confidence. As a teacher, I’d want to know if one of my children was feeling low and insecure.

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