I need some outside perspective because I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being realistic or whether I’m rejecting myself on someone else’s behalf.
I have a 9-year-old autistic son who is non-verbal. His needs are obviously significant, but day to day he is generally a happy and manageable child. He toilets independently, dresses himself, eats independently, is learning more self-care skills, can swim and ride a bike, and most of the time if I tell him not to do something, he listens. He goes to a specialist school and sees his dad regularly.
My fear is more about the future. I have no idea what he will be like as a teenager or adult. He may continue progressing and become quite independent, or things could become much harder.
I should also add that I have good financial prospects, so if he does need significant support as an adult I would expect to pay for carers, respite and whatever help is needed. I’m not expecting a future husband to become my son’s full-time carer.
My partner knew my situation from the beginning and still wanted to marry me. He proposed and seemed very sure about us.
Then his family and friends got heavily involved and started telling him that being with me would make his life difficult because of my son, that he should have children of his own and that he could have a much easier, more straightforward life with another woman.
Since then he has become extremely conflicted.
He says he loves me very deeply and that I’m a very good person, but it now feels like the argument is basically that the only reason to choose me is love, while everything practical is a reason not to.
And that has really got into my head.
Part of me is now thinking maybe I should be the one to leave him.
What if my son becomes much harder to manage during puberty? What if my partner chooses me now because he loves me, but ten years from now regrets it? I would hate the thought of him resenting my son or thinking his family had been right all along.
I don’t want to feel like I have talked somebody into choosing the “difficult life”.
There’s another part of this which is probably why I’m struggling so much. This is now the third man who has seriously considered marriage with me and where my son has ultimately become a major reason not to go ahead.
It’s starting to make me wonder whether maybe I simply shouldn’t remarry until my son is an adult and I know what level of independence he is likely to have.
I say that with a very heavy heart.
I’m only 36. The idea of potentially spending another decade alone because I have a disabled child feels incredibly lonely and, if I’m honest, quite unfair.
I want companionship. I want a husband. I want someone to build a life with.
But I also don’t want to wish a difficult life on anybody.
At the same time, I keep thinking: surely he is an adult and this should be his decision?
He knew about my son before proposing. He has actually experienced our normal daily life. My son isn’t currently impossible to live with, and financially I’m in a position where I can plan for professional support and respite if his needs increase.
So am I being sensible by considering letting him go?
Or am I effectively deciding that my son and I are something no man should reasonably choose, and doing the rejecting for him?
WWYD?
Would you leave someone you loved because you genuinely feared they might regret choosing this life later?
Or would you tell him that he knows the reality, the future is uncertain for everyone, and he now has to make his own decision?