Not wanting my messy hoarder husband to work from home?

That’s not good for your 11 year old, especially as he comes into puberty. In your shoes I would tell him that this isn’t ok for your son. What if he wants to bring friends or his first girlfriend home? What about hygiene etc. I would then put in a boundary. Either you get help with this and work on letting things go, or we need to enlist the help of Social Services.

Social Services have all kinds of lower level support - it’s not all child protection and they will not remove children without lots and lots of work first or in extreme abuse situations. So please see them as a support opportunity rather than a threat.

If he still can’t change then you have two choices. Grin and bear it. Leave him.

I personally would leave as I couldn’t bear to live like that. My mental health would suffer and then I’d not be at my best for DC. Only you can know if you can live like this forever. But please bear in mind that your needs matter too. His mental health and your mental health should have equal footing.

Oh OP this is pretty bad. Hoarding tends to build up over time too (this is what I’ve seen as a daughter of 2 hoarders) - but he’s still quite a young man. What might it be like in 5-10 years time?

Any chance you can take the child and leave? You are basically living in a squat.

It's ultimatum time (should have been a long time ago!). He has one week to sort it or you kick him out and get rid of it all when he's gone.

You need to stand up for your son.

How on earth can you do this to your son? His childhood fgs. You have a choice to live like that, he does not. Children should not be forced to live like this and he will know it's not normal. I wonder if he's told to keep quiet about how chaotic his home life is?

Your DH will not change @Floogal , please get your son out of there and give him some semblance of normality for high school.

You may not realise this but hoarders are abusive. This has gone on so long and your poor son doesn't even have his own room because of your husband's filth
This is a LTB

Oh wow, this is worse than it sounded. Your son doesn't have a bedroom because of stuff? You dont have hot water?

Your son doesn't deserve this. I would be making him a room. Buy a shed and put everything that is in the bedroom that should be your sons in it. Buy him a bed as a starter. And get that room 100%sorted for your son asap.

The hot water has to be the next priority. Do you have hot water for washing up? What about heating as we go into the autumn and winter?

And if your dh wants to wfh he can only have the 3rd bedroom. He can carve out space for a laptop. He can work in amongst his shit.

Op I feel for you, I really do. I know a couple of hoarders. And the children really, really suffer in both houses. Interestingly both of the hoarders I know are solo parents so there is no partner to affect. But there is also no one else to stick up for the kids. You have to put your son first no matter how much it upsets your husband and that won't be easy. But you need to show your son that you are on his side.

Thank you!

I have been involved in clearing a hoarded property once. It was awful.

In that situation the relative accepted it because they were in a flat and were told either the family did it or the council would do it by force due to the fire risk.

We were able to save things that were truly important. But it was awful and it was many weeks of work. The relative was in hospital at the time so unable to interfere.

They now have a cleaner who is under strict instructions to report to the family if it starts getting cluttered again. Our relative is quite meek and has a tendency to do as they are told so, up to now, it's been successful.

This is way worse than you think
A nearly teenaged boy needs a room of his own, not to be sharing with his parents
You all need access to hot water from a functioning boiler system, and also a warm clean home
You really need to think very hard about leaving this man, he is ill, but it is also abusive of him to make his family live like this.
We make it very clear that illness of any kind is not a free pass to be unkind or abusive.
I personally would have left many years ago, realising I am negligent, and am neglecting my child in a house like you describe.
You can stay married, just don’t live together

There is nothing cute or quirky about this situation. Your son is being neglected at best but being forced to share a bedroom/work space and take bucket baths is really more abusive and by being passive you are participating.

This is child neglect. Move out or clean up your bloody house! Your child only has to tell someone how he's living for them to tell social and social services would remove him from your care straight away. Don't do this to your son, this is awful. There is no excuse for a child to be living in that. People must be picking up on it from the sheer smell of yous and and your clothes and trust me op you will all be stinking living like that.

You are neglecting and abusing your son.

Disgusting behaviour from both of you.

This is surely child neglect?
I honestly don’t understand OP why you think this is acceptable?
I’m surprised that the school hasn’t twigged that your poor DS is living in a hovel; it’s a safeguarding issue.

FFS OP you are enabling the neglect of your own child!

Get your child out of there or get your DH out.
But put your child first and to hell with the hoarder. He doesn't matter.

If he thinks it's kinda cute, tell him it damn well isn't. I simply couldn't live that way.

If I knew who you were, I’d report you to social services. Your poor son.

You will have seen the other messages, OP and felt under attack. I’m really sorry about that however I do think this is the moment to prioritise your child. In very different circumstances, I had a similar moment with my girls and have never stopped feeling positive that I chose them. It’s just not fair for your sonto have to deal with starting life in this sort of situation. I’m sure you know this and that I’m not saying anything that hasn’t already occurred to you. Courage, OP, you can absolutely make the right choice for your son, including by creating a really very different living environment for him. Please speak to someone in real life and make a plan for ensuring that he has a home which is a good starting point for him. I absolutely promise that however hard it is you won’t regret it. You can do it!

‘Sort your life out’ are very careful which families they cast. They don’t cast families where pathological hoarding is resulting in a neglected child. It’s a feel good show.

I feel sorry for all of you but like a pp said your son only has you to advocate for him, your h is not capable of doing so.

Op the ‘sort your life out’ show is taking applications at the moment. apply.

apart from Stacy and gang sorting it all out - you have 3 options.

1- stay as you are, miserable
2- leave with your child/ kick out DH
3- you sort the house out.

Only you can decide which it is.
if you go for option 3 I suggest you post in the housekeeping section and get support there.

I have been on a massive decluttering mission. I’m on year 2 and I’m still going. I haven’t even touched my DH spaces which are frankly grim.

start with the dining table. That’s our disaster area. And if it’s cleared I feel
so much better.
if I’m really overwhelmed I say to myself - pick up 1 thing and decide what to do with it. Bin, or put away. And go and put it away! Seems mad but it means you don’t end up with another pile of stuff to put away. Also as you go to put the thing away- ask yourself ‘where would I look for it?’ And put it there. If that place is full, see what you can remove. Ie put in the bin.

take the next thing off the table and continue. Keep going as long as you can or until the table is cleared.

if you try that please come back and let us know. Just as mess is ‘infectious’ so is tidiness.
good luck

Sending love to all those who grew up like this and suffered the damage as a result.

Take heed @Floogal

Don’t try and minimise and say this isn’t effecting your son. It is.

This op. I grew up in a dirty hoard too. It ruined me. You need to get him OUT

As the daughter of hoarders, please leave and take your son.
Your son deserves a bedroom, running hot water, no mold, and a chance to learn how to keep a home.
At this age especially, he needs privacy.

What do you think will happen when you launch your son, and he has never seen what systems are needed to keep a home running?
How does he learn cleaning schedules, routines, cleanliness standards?

I struggled terribly, for years, after leaving home because I never got shown how it should be done.
Please don't do that to your son

I think the least of your problems is your dh wfh.

Your child is being neglected. Its awful

That sounds awful & I’m amazed he is organised enough to even get a job. I could not live like that. It’s unfair on DS that he has no bedroom (despite you having one child in a 3-bed house). I think you need to separate and get DS out of there. How do you even keep clothes clean?

OP now is the time for action. You leave with your child who will be miserable living like this. Once you have left you tell your husband you will consider returning only once he has got help and done something about the state of the house. You cannot do anything else and you have to take big action for him to even begin to see that things have gone too far. Get out and protect your son. If he does nothing then file for a divorce. It is a mental illness and it’s very hard to treat but if he is willing then you might get somewhere. But you now need to put your son first and leave as soon as possible. Otherwise he will never accept there is anything wrong.