Not wanting my messy hoarder husband to work from home?

Im almost in disbelief at your attitude towards this op. The way you nonchalantly throw in your 11 year old son has to sleep in mum and dad's room and have no access to hot water is absolutely disgusting. Shame on everyone who has allowed this. I hope your DS opens up to somene about his bleak and appalling home life 😡

You are not being unreasonable.

My DH has been a hoarder and it’s been irritating. But I’ve now got MS and increasingly finding some of his behaviour is down right dangerous

I have mobility and balance issues and can no longer tolerate the random piles of crap that appear underfoot, or not being able to sit down quickly when needed because heavy boxes have been put on the sofa.

I have to work from home on some days, but dread using the home office because things might topple out of cupboards if you open the doors

If I ask him to be tidier and put things away, he always complains he’s too busy. Oblivious that his chaos adds plenty to my pain and fatigue

When I read you let your 11 year old child sleep in your room because the 3 bed house is so full I lost all sympathy for you. Hire a skip and chuck it out. If husband doesn’t like it he can leave. I would burn my marriage to the ground for my kid. I would let this man whine and cry till the end of the earth to stop my child living like this

I agree that this is neglect and abuse.
And you are an accessory to it.

Poor boy.
He deserves so much better.

are you comfortable to say where you live? Maybe if you’re local to some Mumsnetters we could help you? If you were in a reasonable travelling distance from myself I’d happily help. I’ve been in hoarders homes with my jobs, you can’t stay living this way and your son needs his own space now x

This is appalling. You don't actually seem to realize how bad this is highlighting your lack of sex life over your child's lack of basic washing facilities or his own private space. This is neglect.

By accepting this you are abusing your son. FFS op, get a grip and get a divorce. Your poor son. I'm honestly so angry at you right now. I hope the responses you get wake you up to the fact that this is abuse and neglect of your child and that YOU are facilitating it.

Hoarders (and their unfortunate but complicit partners) always seem to live in “fixer uppers”. Ironically the people least likely to ever bloody fix up a house …

Poor poor child. I feel appalled for him.

Fucking hell. This is the pits.

I feel so sorry for your son, OP. He's on the brink of puberty and doesn't even have the privacy of his own space. He has no way of keeping himself clean properly, and not being able to bring friends to his home can make it difficult for him to form bonds with his peers.

His education will be jeopardised, too. How will he ever manage to do homework in such a cluttered environment? And his social life will be impacted, he'll never be able to bring friends home.

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. My parents were hoarders, and when my mother died (she outlived my father) it took two full weeks to clear out their house. They had been without hot water for well over a year, because the house was so messy my mother didn't want council workmen coming round.

I found my father's payslips going back to 1959 (in 2010!), my school reports going back to 1960, a host of non-working electrical items and all sorts of other crap. A lot of this stuff had been through 3 house moves. I made so many trips to their local tip that I was on first name terms with some of the men who worked there. And I have hoarding tendencies myself, I have clothes and shoes that are decades old.

HoardingUK support people in addressing hoarding issues. It would be worthwhile seeing what help they can offer.

I'd make his working from home conditional on him co-operating with a massive clearance job, tbh.

It is exhausting and so demoralising. Hoardinguk.org can offer support to families. NHS treatment is available but has a long waiting list and the hoarder needs to accept that they need help.

You need to sort your home out op, this is an absolute disgrace. Your poor son.

My first ever LTB.

This living situation is completely unacceptable, OP

I hope op is reading this comments and ordered a skip this morning. This is the most horrific thread ive ever read on here. Lack of sex life while her son goes cold without a proper bed and washes himself in a fucking bucket.

I'll add that while your dh may not mean to be cruel, his actions are making life intolerable for others.

Get rid of him for goodness sake.

Imagine a tidy, ordered environment. Bliss, isn't it?

I finally snapped with my ex.
It was not his fault he'd been made redundant but I was shouldering most of the bills and as we had no children and he was an able-bodied young man the least I expected was to return to a tidy, clean home and a cup of tea when I got in from work.

I resented him so much in the end. Couldn't stand him.

Absolutely - the kids on those hoarding shows on TV are always so clearly being fucked up by their parents - it’s awful.

OP, if you won’t leave for you, you need to leave for your son. This is child neglect and you are just as guilty as your husband for letting it happen.

Totally agree. As an adult, I had the choice to leave the messy, pig of a guy I lived with. This kid doesn't.

My dc love their bedrooms - it is their own space which is rare to have when you are a child. I couldn’t choose my dh over my dc. Your poor son, my heart goes out to him.

You are both neglecting your son. Seriously, to the point this would 100% warrant a social services referral if he disclosed the state of your home to anyone with safeguarding responsibilities. I hope he does. This poor boy, I could cry for him.

How chaotic and disgusting his environment is when he has no choice but to come back there every day. Horrific. It’s really distressing.

I can’t believe you mention lack of sex life as if it’s something you should be equally as concerned about as the fact you’re both neglecting and failing your son. This poor kid.

I know what you mean.
If they're not constantly around, you can just about keep it down to the level of - if not comfortable, hell no! - not too bad.

Before marrying dh, I cohabited with a guy like this.
We both worked but he was made redundant and he was out of work for a few months. During this time, the flat became a complete mess.

The final straw for me was coming home one day after a hard day and the living room looking as if the place had been burgled.
F*ing papers everywhere that he'd stored for years but he'd decided to sort out.
He'd done this before and I knew that they would just sit there for weeks and then just put back in the boxes.
The final straw was when I slipped on them.

I just walked out and went home to my parents for a while.
Sounds dramatic but it really was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was young, no children, rented flat so this was easy.

It's really depressing living in a constant mess and of course you can't have people around because it's such a state.

Really limits your life.

You can't clean properly either.
It's just about keeping on top of the basics.

If you can leave, do so. It's OK to say he can't help it but this is really stressful for others.

You can’t fix it. It won’t change.

im sorry. But you need to know that .

Jesus. Your son is being neglected. He should not have to be washing in a bucket! This is way more than a “messy husband”.

OP, this is really serious.

If school or anyone else gets wind of this, they will be obliged to report it to the LA and it will be treated as a child protection issue.

Are you in a position to move out with your son?

What’s your kitchen like?

You probably do have vermin, you just won’t be able to see them, or the signs (droppings etc), due to all the clutter.

This is so upsetting to think a child is in the midst of this. Really distressing