There was a big family falling-out about 18 months ago involving one of my sisters and her partner. I don't want to go into every detail because it would be enormous, but there was behaviour from both of them that I found really hurtful and unacceptable. My sister eventually blocked me.
Since then, what has driven me slightly insane is that my parents seem almost pathologically unable to recognise that my sister has any agency in the situation. Everything somehow comes back to what I should do. Why don't I reach out? Why can't I make things easier? Why can't I think about how everyone else feels? Except I'm literally blocked.
I'm now completely excluded from wider family things. My sister can choose not to speak to me indefinitely and that is apparently just an unfortunate fact everyone has to work around. My reaction to being treated like that, however, is endlessly examined.
I'm also about to give birth. After 18 months I've basically reached the point where I've said ok, nobody needs to reconcile. If my sister wants contact, she has my number. When I told my parents I was pregnant I asked them not to tell my siblings but she did anyway.
I've now asked them not to give information/photos/details about my pregnancy and birth to my sisters. They haven't contacted me once throughout the pregnancy. I don't think they're automatically entitled to this infornatiojn when they don't want a relationship.
My mum has basically said she can't do that.
Every time I try to explain this, Mum either changes the subject and nutters something about how she has a onkno name and then eventually she said "youre so difficult i give up.” She hasn't spoken to me since.
I've spent years thinking her behaviour towards me was a communication problem. If I could explain myself calmly enough, clearly enough, fairly enough, surely she'd eventually understand what I was saying.
I'm starting to wonder whether she understands perfectly well but simply cannot tolerate anything that leaves my sister responsible for her own choices. Somehow my sister's discomfort always has to be prevented, even when preventing it means overriding me.
I'm weeks away from giving birth and I'm exhausted by it. I don't even particularly need Mum to agree with my entire interpretation of the family fallout. I just want her to recognise that I'm allowed some very basic boundaries around myself.
Has anyone had this with a parent? Did they ever reflect? What was your approach?