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Original poster

MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

308 replies

leonorrr · 15/09/2026 13:27

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

OP posts:
Rosesandthorns66 · 15/09/2026 17:00

stuffedanimalsandchocolate · 15/09/2026 16:49

In the future, just don't tell them any details of your finances or what you're spending money on

I totally agree with this.
Don't share any information about your finances or your household.

Contain4 · 15/09/2026 16:58

Has DH tried speaking to her snd his sister 1-1?

Rosesandthorns66 · 15/09/2026 16:58

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Your MIL is jealous, selfish and bitter.
Also, fancy turning the water works on to create a big drama.
Have you ever refused them any help, during illness or essential expenses?
So how can she make comparisons.
Through her behaviour, she may be trying to cause problems in your marriage aswell.
Well she has already managed to make your DH feel sad.

Unfortunately people like your MIL exist who are bitter and twisted. She obviously thinks her son's money should be spent on them only and shouldn't have been spent on your parents.
You obviously had to help your parents out.
I think you should keep your distance, now that you have seen her Jealous and mean side.

LBFseBrom · 15/09/2026 16:56

Weird.

Did she have to know you paid out for your father? I would have kept quiet about that.

Original poster
leonorrr · 15/09/2026 16:53

Picklepickle5 · 15/09/2026 16:50

Maybe she thinks for every dollar you spend on your family you should give her an equal amount.

I think so

OP posts:
Picklepickle5 · 15/09/2026 16:50

Maybe she thinks for every dollar you spend on your family you should give her an equal amount.

stuffedanimalsandchocolate · 15/09/2026 16:49

In the future, just don't tell them any details of your finances or what you're spending money on

Anyahyacinth · 15/09/2026 16:46

I can’t imagine being jealous of someone who was seriously ill.

Your DH has been clearly shown a lack of love..instead they just want a subsidy. Just awful.

I would accept the distance they’ve imposed and work on your own healing without them

EndlessTreadmill · 15/09/2026 16:37

leonorrr · 15/09/2026 14:11

Honestly, I don't know

Probably My husband Causually shares

Show quote history

This is your problem. You may have joint back accounts, but the MIL doesn't see those. She should have no idea of what you are spending, it's none of her business. And even if she knew what you spent, she doesn't know how many savings you have etc.
You have a DH problem, more than a MIL problem. He should not be telling her this detail. Sounds to me that he has been stirring things up, and complaining to her behind your back!
But in any case they sound grabby and entitled. You have no obligation to spend on any of them.

disturbia · 15/09/2026 16:33

leonorrr · 15/09/2026 13:27

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

They sound horrible just stay away from them for a while. You haven't done anything wrong.

MagicUser1 · 15/09/2026 16:33

Why are they giving you a hard time and not your DH?

Why isn't your DH telling them how ridiciulous they are? Surely this is a simple conversaiton, "Mum, you're being ridiculous. if and when you or Dad or Sister have significant financial issues or need help with medical bills, then of course we'll talk then."

persephoneee · 15/09/2026 16:31

DwarfPalmetto · 15/09/2026 13:31

Interesting that she says all this to you and not to her own son.

I didn't read further than this, and it's the key to it all.

Why didn't she say all this to Golden Balls, and not you?

TheJoyousHiker · 15/09/2026 16:21

chirrupybird · 15/09/2026 13:36

I guess your husband really needs to talk to them, he knows them better than you do and it's really him they are annoyed at. They may well feel a bit neglected while you were quite rightly looking after your dad. I assume MIL has been stewing over it for months.

Perhaps you could write her a note explaining everything and saying you're sorry she was upset but it wasn't intentional and you would equally be there for her. Does she have health problems that she hasn't confided perhaps?

I wouldn’t write any note and nor would I have much to do with them going forward. Let your DH foster the relationship and make any arrangements for meet ups, etc. Why did you tell them you were helping with your DD’s expenses in the first place ?

Keyleads · 15/09/2026 16:21

What awful inlaws.
Such presumptuous entitlement to your money.

I would make absolutely no further effort with such people until they apologise and cop themselves on.

SirenScream · 15/09/2026 16:20

Sounds like a great time to play them at their own game, ie act like they no longer exist.

AnonyMumAuDHD · 15/09/2026 16:15

FringedAnd · 15/09/2026 15:57

I think that would simply make it look as if the OP has in fact done something wrong that she needs to apologise and atone for! In the eyes of a woman who clearly feels terribly aggrieved by someone behaving well to their own parent.

Show quote history

Did you read it? ‘I am sorry’ has two meanings- I am ‘sorry for’ OR I am ‘saddened by’… here it says she is sorry they feel they way they do in response to the choices she and DH have made - and will make again for any of their four parents? It is stating she and DH are saddened by their response and the way they measure the relationship in terms of money (not the 6months of post op care…).

Original poster
leonorrr · 15/09/2026 16:09

Contain4 · 15/09/2026 15:33

Is your DH moaning about you/your parents to them?

I don’t understand why they think it’s a YOU problem and not their own child problem (well I do, it’s internalised misogyny).

They basically think you are controlling - you control the finances, you control who DH sees, you control how involved he is with his own family.

DH needs to be the one to put them right.

How often does he see his family vs how often he sees yours?

Yes, exactly. That's true.

Basically, they live in Seville, so we probably see them once every two months. My sister-in-law lives in the same city, so she sees us more often, but she didn't come to our home when my parents were there. Or in Last few months

OP posts:
ginasevern · 15/09/2026 16:03

How does your MIL know that the money came from a shared account? Why didn't she think that you helped your parents from your own money? I wonder if your DH has been saying things behind your back. Just a thought.

Trallers · 15/09/2026 15:58

leonorrr · 15/09/2026 14:18

The problem here is that my husband and I both helped my parents. We have shared accounts and finances, so they think it's their son's money being spent on my family rather than on them.

Show quote history

He has created this problem with how he has communicated then. Or at the very least oversgared with people who cant be trusted. And then he stood by while they blamed and accosted you. I would be furious with the lot of them tbh, how dare they castigate you for looking after your ill father and turn it into something all about them.

Your DH needs to give them a thorough talking to (I'd want to hear it myself) and explain to you how he's allowed it to get to the point where they blame you and not him.

FringedAnd · 15/09/2026 15:57

AnonyMumAuDHD · 15/09/2026 15:46

In order to smooth things over I would send them flowers and a letter to the effect of

Dear Mil/DM

I am sorry that you feel that we have somehow slighted you by our sharing the costs of @leonorrr ‘s father’s medical bills and his care after his recent very significant illness. As a married couple we feel the health and care of both our sets of parents is a very important shared responsibility and would do our utmost to help where we are able. This was not a gift of money, or a financial transaction, but a gift of caring for someone when they were very very ill.

We are, therefore, deeply hurt that you feel affronted that we focused on Leonorrr’s father on this occasion, when we would hope that you would instead be very reassured as to our unconditional willingness to do the same for you both when and if you and FiL/DF ever need the same. We are certain, also, that DSiL/DSis would not hesitate in also sharing in that care and related expenses at that time, just as leonorrr’s siblings did.

Because we both love our parents, we would not hesitate to do this for any of you should you be ill and need us. Again, we remind you, that this was not a financial gift. It was not a handing over of monies to them for some frivolous use and, thus, something that needed to be ‘balanced’ out by a comparable financial gift to you. This should not be seen in terms of equal effort and expenditure at Christmas. That you see it this way has, in fact, really disappointed us. It hurts that you measure our relationship with you in financial terms.

However, please rest assured that if and when either of you need the same level of care and help in the future, it will be forthcoming and we will not expect to have to justify doing the right thing by either parent to anyone else, family member or otherwise.

Regards, Mr & Mrs @leonorrr

Edited

I think that would simply make it look as if the OP has in fact done something wrong that she needs to apologise and atone for! In the eyes of a woman who clearly feels terribly aggrieved by someone behaving well to their own parent.

SixtySomething · 15/09/2026 15:55

Smokeywater · 15/09/2026 13:48

Green eyed monster - you and DH are richer than them.

This could well be th answer.
There have been threads on MN about how family fall out with a member who is better off than them.

IsItSnowing · 15/09/2026 15:51

I would stay well away from them. Your MIL is absolutely unreasonable. You and your DH have done a good thing. Sounds like you and your siblings have a good relationship and have all chipped in to help. This is something to be applauded not criticised.
Your MIL is unhinged. I assume she would like some of your money - that's what it sounds like. She is trying to guilt you into sending some of your cash her way (and your sil). Don't let her. It's not normal for someone to be upset because you help someone else in the family out when they have real need.

AnonyMumAuDHD · 15/09/2026 15:46

In order to smooth things over I would send them flowers and a letter to the effect of

Dear Mil/DM

I am sorry that you feel that we have somehow slighted you by our sharing the costs of @leonorrr ‘s father’s medical bills and his care after his recent very significant illness. As a married couple we feel the health and care of both our sets of parents is a very important shared responsibility and would do our utmost to help where we are able. This was not a gift of money, or a financial transaction, but a gift of caring for someone when they were very very ill.

We are, therefore, deeply hurt that you feel affronted that we focused on Leonorrr’s father on this occasion, when we would hope that you would instead be very reassured as to our unconditional willingness to do the same for you both when and if you and FiL/DF ever need the same. We are certain, also, that DSiL/DSis would not hesitate in also sharing in that care and related expenses at that time, just as leonorrr’s siblings did.

Because we both love our parents, we would not hesitate to do this for any of you should you be ill and need us. Again, we remind you, that this was not a financial gift. It was not a handing over of monies to them for some frivolous use and, thus, something that needed to be ‘balanced’ out by a comparable financial gift to you. This should not be seen in terms of equal effort and expenditure at Christmas. That you see it this way has, in fact, really disappointed us. It hurts that you measure our relationship with you in financial terms.

However, please rest assured that if and when either of you need the same level of care and help in the future, it will be forthcoming and we will not expect to have to justify doing the right thing by either parent to anyone else, family member or otherwise.

Regards, Mr & Mrs @leonorrr

seahorsessky · 15/09/2026 15:46

I think you all need to sit down and talk, because it seems very strange that she would suddenly be like this out of nowhere (and before someone suggests dementia, which yes is possible at her age or even younger, the fact SIL seems in agreement makes that alone unlikely); is it true that you and he haven't asked about her? Could she have had a health scare (or SIL?) around the same time as your dad?
On the face of it you've done nothing unreasonable, so that's why you need to talk and find out what's going on-if she isn't answering, ask your SIL and DH to arrange a meeting. Is she angry your husband hasn't told her about the baby straight away? Yes, he's an adult, but does she feel there's coercive control going on? Talking is the only way to sort this out, and I hope you can all get back to being a good family before the new baby arrives.

TheBlueKoala · 15/09/2026 15:44

leonorrr · 15/09/2026 14:18

The problem here is that my husband and I both helped my parents. We have shared accounts and finances, so they think it's their son's money being spent on my family rather than on them.

Show quote history

They're crazy and entitled. DH should be the one telling them very clearly that you as a family decide what you do with your money and that they should be ashamed of themselves begrudging your father getting help when he was ill. Maybe they want to get really ill as well so you can help them out?

I would keep my distance to them moving forwards. They are clearly cheeky fuckers without any empathy whatsoever. I wouldn't want my children around them.