MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

Wow and wow....
Her plan was exactly this to turn on the water works and emotional blackmail.
She's trying to prove a point that she is entitled to her son's money.

How did they pay the bills and run the household before this.
If they have the money to support themselves, then they should continue with that and your DH can offer support during emergencies. Not just hand over money on a regular basis.
If your own income goes into joint accounts to run your household, I hope that doesn't mean you will be contributing more.

They are very toxic and narcissistic people....

asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.
She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her.
Greedy CF, only because you earn good money it doesn't mean your DH's family is entitled to handouts if they're in a good financial situation. Also a CF being jealous of the attention your dad got when he was in hospital, what's wrong with her health exactly, was she in hospital too and you ignored her? I doubt it.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.
Absolute narcissists, it's only about them and what they want.

You're best off limiting contact as much as possible. They're toxic people. Also I would stop discussing with them how you spend your money, it's none of their business

Helping a relative when they’re in dire need because they were critically ill, and giving a relative 20% of your income effectively as a perpetual pension payment AND medical bills all because they threw a tantrum, despite the fact it will be of detriment to your children, are very, very different scenarios. This is absolutely outrageous Op.

What a sickening, entitled woman she is and what a spineless twit your DH is for pandering to it. If he gives in to this what is stopping her from insisting it’s increased later? Their relationship isn’t going to be damaged because he stands up to her. It’s already damaged because she’s putting him in situations where he has to. She’s causing the issues. It’s on her.

Hi @leonorrr 👋🏽

I work in commercial field so money is my thing.

Clearly conversations are happening that you are not privy too.
first thing first - you need to get to the bottom of this. A properly long sit down with kids out of the house conversation with your dh is needed.

As a "hold position" I'd agree that yes his family can have some financial help too if theres a valid reason (spoiler:there isnt) BUT keep it very vague and insists it needs to be a joint decision just as your parents were.
Be unambiguous that you do NOT agree to this 20% of his salary indefinitely.
It is an absolutely terrible deal for you as a family and potentially ruinous.
Remind him and yourself that you both have a fiscal responsibility to your soon to be three children.

Dont agree to this because you are afraid he'll resent you... think about your children and remind him to. if his net income is 5k per month thats €12k per year. That is WILD.

In 5 yrs will she start demanding it increases with inflation? Will she want 20% even if he gets a pay rise?
If he is made redundant will he stil leave to pay? If he takes a pay cut what happens?
It also doesnt address his "impoverished sister" what % of family income is he going to give away to her when she kicks off in 3 months.

This is literally blackmail.

In your shoes.... Ideally i'd arrange intensive emergency martial counselling to agree a way forward. (Like 2 x 2 hr sessions per week, not 1 hr a fortnight).

He is clearly bitching or not telling you the full story - you need to get on the same page and "solve this together"

If you are absolutely going to have to engage in this insanity please make it a fixed lump sum amount not ongoing monthly payments.
My "best and final position" in your shoes would probably be thathis family get a lump sum "settlement" equivalent of "his spends" (not total spend) on your family and once its agreed that thats it. No more.
These fuckers will be bleeding you dry until kingdom come otherwise.

I would NEVER forgive my mil if she made these demands and accepted the lump sum and I would struggle to forgive my husband if he indulged this insanity.

And if my husband did insist on giving 20% of his salary to his parents I would be threatening divorce and pregnant or not i'd be following through...

Because it is actually insane....
what he basically wants is to give her tens of thousands of euros to avoid an uncomfortable conversation/ feeling any uncomfortable feelings....
he is a husband and father ... it's utterly pathetic on his part.

Your DH wants to financially aid his mother to stop a family argument.
this is actually insane. Just wait for sil to ask for the same.
i would be speaking with a solicitor if I was you OP. This won’t end well.

So after being treated this way, your DH's response is to try to win his mother back by giving her 20% his salary? That is extreme, and he is playing right into her hand.

It's shameful that your MIL would ice out you and DH out over you helping out your father at a time that he was seriously ill. Instead, she should know that if such an extreme thing happened to her, you would do the same. But that is hardly the same as giving money out of sheer obligation with no good reason. His younger sister (so younger than 35?) can make her own money, as can her husband. THey have opportunity and time. They are NOT your financial responsibility.

An illness is a very separate matter, as is an older parent. The mistake was in ever revealing anything about your financial decisions to your MIL, which is what I assume DH did. That's immature of DH. He is a married man with kids and doesn't need to report back to his mother what decisions he and his wife make.

With another baby on the way, giving 20% of DH's salary to his mother feels quite extreme. The "fairness" in this is that if your MIL is ever as seriously ill as your father was, you will help.

What would MIL use the money for? Not healthcare? So there you go. If it's for food or clothes, then you would therefore have to give your own parents the same 20% for spending in order for that to be fair.

Your MIL sounds very coldhearted and deeply selfish to turn your father's seriously illness into a tantrum.

Your husband is a son before he's a husband and father.

He's going to deprive his kids to buy his mother's love with this stupid, self imposed Mamacita tax.

You're in a toxic marriage with some viciously greedy in laws that dislike you. If your husband caves to this crap, you may as well divorce him.

Key issue: She knows too much of your business. Someone must have mentioned financials to them? Or they asked? Either way they know too much about matters that do not concern then.

His mother has guilted him into this- that's ridiculous. Of course he would support her if she was facing unexpected medical bills in the thousands, but that is not the same as maintaining her. Why can she not maintain herself? Your mil is a selfish biatch

Wow, I am really sorry you're going through this!

It's very, very sad, but honestly, you might want to stop feeling sad, and start feeling angry!

They should be so, so ashamed of themselves! I quite literally have second-hand embarrassment for them. You are not cash machines, and honestly it is really tasteless that they somehow feel hard done by because you stepped up for your ailing father. Just as you would have had either of THEM been desperately unwell.

I don't think there is a good resolution here - this is not something that can easily be undone or forgotten. I would absolutely not be giving them any money, especially not before sitting down together to discuss things openly, getting it all on the table and seeing what, if anything, is left to salvage. I do wonder if it's utter shame stopping them from speaking to you now - if they cannot overcome that, then that is for them to sit with.

I understand your DHs urge to support his mum but her behaviour & expectation of you both is appalling. You have your own growing family to support as it is and there is nothing wrong with drawing the line x

Why are you paying medical expenses, Spain has excellent universal healthcare?

He absolutely can’t do that. The 20% of salary is ridiculous. If you share finances that’s basically 10% from you.

how is he going to maintain his share of your household finances and obligations while doing that? He won’t do either you’ll have to subsidise it which means effectively your money going to MIL or your family goes short.

its not stopping him or controlling him to point out that it’s ridiculous and not putting his family with you 1st.

As a response, I think you need to tell your husband that if DMil gets 20% of your salary and your parents are given an equal amount (given DMil wants everything equal) what will that leave you and your family unit - what are you both going to cut, to afford this?

Surely the equivalent is helping her out of she was seriously ill?

This is crazy - you don't have to justify your spending to your MIL.

I’ve read your updates and I am sorry to say that I now realise this situation has been caused by your husband. It is outrageous to now end up giving any of your income, every month, to your MIL. Why? She is not entitled to this. Nor is SIL. Did you marry on the agreement you’d support his family. That said, was it a loan to your own parents or not?

The reason this issue has come about is because your husband and/or you have been over sharing. Your in laws are greedy people, and your husband has likely been primed to overshare and be enmeshed with his mother his entire life. That is how they pick a victim. Why do they know what you paid and the private matters of your family? Do you think they would applaud you? They’re not well intentioned and shouldn’t have access to information like this. If you look back, there must be other instances too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy x.
I know you are in a difficult situation.. but this is very far from normal.

Your relationship with this blackmailing bully is already permanently damaged and she has damaged it herself. She is asking you to pay her in order to remain on good terms with her and if you don't she will disown you both and your children. She is mad.

the medical bills were steep but a one off. This sounds like a lifetime commitment.

three children and she wants to take 20 per cent of your income?

"If I stop him it might prove my MIL's accusation."

How can it prove her accusation? Both you and your DH know its not true.
It's impossible for her to "prove" what you want or don't want. It's just an assumption. So she tells some of her cronies.. so what? What is that to you?

And so what if she does use that as proof, what's she going to do about it other than rant and rave?

There is a counter accusation that could be made, that she is a greedy unscrupulous jealous bitter woman who would take the money that should be supporting her son's young family for no reason other than jealousy.

Is her wrath going to get any better when she wins the lottery from you?
I doubt it. There will be something else to complain about. In which case, why not just say a big fat NO to her now and get it over and done with.? ( no need to give answers on here, just raising points for consideration)

How has this cruel woman got you both in such a state that you would give up part of your livelihood just as you are about to have your 3rd child.
I've just remembered that she didn't even react you when you told her you were pregnant again. That is so hurtful.

Why take money away from your children's needs for a person who doesn't even give a damn about them? You still have parents, sister and brother.. so you still have family. She's hardly going to win Gramdmother of the Year award is she? I am not sure I would want my children around her, having to experience the behaviour that you DH has been conditioned to accept.

Hopefully someone will be along with better advice on how to manage this, but I think you and your DH need to re consider and ask yourselves is this the price you have to pay to have a very unpleasant woman still speaking to you and ask yourselves if it's actually worth all the suffering she puts you both through.

I'm also confused by this.

And if she has a medical emergency in the future, will your DH expect her to have saved this money?

It proves no such thing - your family had a medical emergency, if she had a medical emergency presumably you would support in the same way.

Does your MiL have some weird idea that her precious son is the only earner and spinning that you are some evil gold digger? It utterly ridiculous and you know this. If my in laws or parents had demanded 20% of one of our incomes as the price of them being “nice” that would have permanently damaged the relationship. If DH had agreed to it unilaterally then we would have had our own relationship problem.

To put it another way - if one of your children had medical needs and you paid for them and the two healthy children started whining that they wanted a big cash bonus to match what would you say to them?

You have a DH problem here. He is the one who needs to make it clear that your earnings are as significant as his, that if she had an urgent need you would support just as you have for your father. He needs to acknowledge that a mother who won’t talk to him without being paid is not a mother he needs.

Does she actually need the money to put herself on the same financial footing as your parents before or after your help? Or will this mean she’s better off than your parents?

What a nasty, spiteful old wench. And the SIL, too.

She's already told you that you're not really family. Presumably that will change when you pay handsomely every month? Like a Netflix subscription but for grandparents. Can you see it now - "Leonorrr, I'm calling from rent-a-granny. It seems you're paying too little for your subscription now. We'll need to up your contributions or your Children's right to have a paternal grandparent will be revoked".

The pair of them ought to be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

You say medical bills for your MIL. Is she also sick? Is it serious?

I don't understand, I thought you had state (free) medical care in Spain, like we have the NHS in the UK? Maybe I'm wrong about that?

Why does he need to pay all her bills?? Is she very poor? Does she struggle for money how old is she? Is she alone?

Without knowing all that it is hard to say what your husband should be doing.

But definitely he should have discussed it with you first. He has 3 children to think of. And your MIL has been very unpleasant about it all, and doesn't seem to want to know that your father was seriously ill and needed your support. If I was you I would find it hard to forgive her.

Giving them money is the worst thing he could do.

This sounds so sad. You paid for your parents care out of love and concern for them, and now your husband effectively has to pay for the love and acceptance of his family at a time when you both need support. What a horrible position they have put you both in our of jealousy.