MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

This is BATSHIT!!

My MIL eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore.

...

If he doesn’t do anything for his mom, their relationship could be permanently damaged.

She disowned her own son rather than talk to him about what she was upset about. And what she was upset about, was that he spent money that he could afford on preserving the life of a member of his (in-law) family. The relationship is already permanently damaged.

I can't imagine feeling like I had to pay money every month and every one of their medical bills for the rest of their life so that I could be un-disowned.

I hope he does know that this won't be the end of it. She'll demand more, and/or bring it up every time she wants to get one up on him.

He really should not do this. You helped your parents because they were in urgent need. If your DH starts doing this now, when will it stop?

Why??? Say no! I honestly couldn’t stay with a man who priorities his mum over his children. Especially a nasty mum. I’d be having a serious conversation about how this will damage your marriage.

You and your husband paid half your dad’s medical bills. Have you sent your parents large amounts of money for other things? Your dad was really ill - your MIL just wants you and your husband to pay for her lifestyle.

My parents would balk at the idea of me or their sons paying their bills. They’d tell me to focus on my child. Be careful with offering to pay other people’s bills and medical appointments in future.

She's damaged it with her greed and selfishness.

Some relationships aren't worth the effort or cost of saving.

Your DH has issues that he needs to examine carefully. I presume that there's a backstory involving inequality of expectations...

Your MIL is jealous of the help you and your DH have given to your DF, and her prejudice towards you is pretty disgusting to be honest.

I suggest you do not have high expectations of her and your SIL, as they are riddled with prejudice, are mean and nasty induviduals and lack decency.

What you and your DH did to help your father is amazing and I am so glad he recovered, and your MIL and SIL can not ever take that away from you and your DH.

Just be cautious with these weak minded nasty women, and tell your DH to deal with them instead.

Your DH needs to communicate with them to shield you from their atrocious attitudes, especially to keep your stress levels to a minimum.

You have absolutely prioritised your parents. But would you do the same for his in a similar situation? Do you know if mil does need support with her health problems?
its hard having so sons and you often dont get treated equally.

This sounds ridiculous, OP. That's about at least 30% of his salary!

You helped your parents through a crisis; he's proposing to support his mother indefinitely/forever?!!
Unless he earns a massive salary, that is absurd.

How does she support herself at the moment?

I can understand helping her with medical bills, as you have done for yours. But any more than that is surely too much, especially as you will soon have 3 children to support!

Did you discuss it with him, or did he just announce 'this is what I'm doing'?

I reckon hubby is behind this. He's annoyed but didn't have the balls to raise it with you OP so he's stirred mummy up and now he wants to make it even. I doubt its all MIL.
Split the bills and outgoings 50/50 and then whatever he has left from his personal income each month he can share with his mother and you keep your balance. Don't you subsidise them.

I think many of us here are looking at it from our own cultural lense and its clear that there may be more expectation in your culture to financially care for relatives. I’d simply say you’d do the same for her in the same situation and step away. But appreciate its not always that easy.

Your DH is being ridiculous.

I assume that you don't give your parents 20% of your salary regularly. You helped them in a time of need. I assume that now that the time of need is over, you are no longer helping them. I also assume that should his parents have a real 'time of need' that you and he would help them too, they just haven't had a 'time of need'. You need to point the above out to him. And ask him if he thinks you should regularly start giving your parents 20%, too. Fair is fair.

This is absolute madness. She’s essentially emotionally blackmailed you into giving her money. I don’t think I could have a relationship with someone who felt OK with accepting this (your MIL, I’m talking about)

Your mother in-law is batshit. You haven't done anything wrong. She's jealous of the time and money you've spent on your parents, though it's none of her business. How did she even know the details?

They sound controlling. Their son is an adult going to be a father soon, he can decode how he wants to spend his money. None of their business. Also, not being happy for your pregnancy news just shows how self-centred they are.

I think I’d be going down the divorce route if your DH gives 20% of his earnings away. (Is it just HIS income and not your joint income?)

His main responsibility is to you and your DC. Then if MIL has needs, then you help our.

This is pure avarice on her behalf and your DH going along with it sounds utterly mad to me.

Agree on this! Count your blessings.

Your in-laws are very selfish, being bothered by you helping your dad who was ill? Can’t get any lower than that.

I don’t understand why you need to pay for medical services as the Spanish Healthcare System is amazing, unless you’re paying to see a consultant privately and instead of having private healthcare providers you have to fork out for the operation yourselves.

With 3 children you need every euro coming your way. MIL and SIL can find another solution for their money woes

You need to run not walk to couples counseling and use that as your excuse to stop payments to the MIL until you have had time to really talk about this as a family. If my DH gave MIL 20% of his earnings (he actually used to when single and making a lot of money while she didn't due to raising them then divorce) I'd be ok with it now because she is a wonderful person and we can do it. When we had children MIL asked him to stop until we were financially viable and even now doesn't want it when offered. Children are expensive.Her attitude to it all is what makes me qustion her motives and why it isn't ok to do it. You have a DH problem if he hands it over due to her sulking and should go to the couples counselling regardless or this will keep repeating.

sorry this is pathetic so he wants to pay to have his mother in his life whilst bringing another child into the world
you need to have a serious talk

Seriously, they are batshit! You’re people not cash machines! Why are you expected to subsidise all these relatives? I understand you helping your parents due to a specific situation and I’m assuming that has stopped now due to your Dads health improving.
it sounds like MIL expects random financial payments ‘just because’. Does she need help or she just wants help cos she’s jealous of the money spent on your DFs recovery?
But this all could have been avoided if your DH didn’t overshare. Who tells their parents all their financial information? This needs to stop.

I would take a step back and leave that side of the family to your husband. You are right to focus on your family and helping your Dad. Let your husband visit his mother and sister if he wants to. They are trying to reel you into the drama but it's not your drama.

i cannot help but think that if it was the husband spending a lot of money on his parents we would have different opinions shared - particularly with the spend being on private healthcare in a country with public healthcare.

So she said you hijacked her son because you helped out because your dad was very and now she is being appeased by taking money that you need for your children?

First of all, could it be that she feels neglected by you in terms of you asking about her health? Is she struggling with something herself that she'd hoped you'd notice or ask about?

That aside, she sounds horribly unempathetic towards your father, and juvenile in the way she ignores you instead of having an adult, open conversation about this. I feel mostly bad for your husband, as it's his family - but in your shoes, I couldn't be bothered with this ridiculous behaviour. It sounds like you've extended an olive branch but they've not taken it. The ball is in their court now as far as you're concerned. Your husband might want to try seeing them face to face to clear things up.

There is no relationship, he is having to buy one, that is essentially like an escort or a prostitute.

If this is what it takes to keep from damaging his relationship with his mum, it is a pretty rubbish relationship already.