MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

Can be private care in UK too. We are trying save to get my son seen for private treatment which isn't covered under NHS and our private health insurance also won't cover it. My MIL also had private chemotherapy as there was a better medication available privately and not within NHS will less side effects. So lots of reasons for medical bills in the UK too.

How awful! Is she seriously jealous that you helped medical bills ? Try not to lose sleep over this. You did a fantastic thing and she is completely unreasonable.

Presumably you’re not in the UK if you’ve had medical bills, so are there cultural issues?
Either way I would cut her off completely

OP. both you and Dh have been conditioned to think of things like this

MIL = good deserving person ... OP and DH = bad ungrateful children.

You must know this isn't true.

I am concerned about the speed with which this ludicrous scheme has come about.. Suddenly.. the woman who talks about hijacking has come up with her list of demands. 20 bloody per cent of everything he earns? plus additional private medical bills when they arise.

This has been well thought out and calculated. Designed to even things up in their eyes (which is ridiculous) No wonder your MIL wasn't pleased about your pregnancy.. that's another child your DH will have to provide for so less money available for her!!!
But what I would be him asking is.. Did your DH even TRY to negotiate with the Emotional Blackmailer who has clearly said to you that you are no longer family? She's effectively asking you to take out a subscription to resume family membership. What are the actual benefits if she graciously acknowledges you again?

Do you have a priest/vicar or similar. Maybe you should both go and see him and ask him if you are a bad person if you don't agree to do this. I guarantee they wouldn't think it was a good idea.

FOLLOW THE MONEY. Spreadsheet this. Put it all out there in black and white
Your outgoings.
Your income.
His income.
Projected childcare costs, mortgage, bills etc.
Savings.
PENSIONS. LIFE INSURANCE.
How much money is your DH left with at the end of the month? (not asking you to say any of this here, Just something for you to consider. )
Will you need a bigger car/more bedrooms for 3 children.
What if DH gets made redundant. how long would it take to save 6 months expenses? What if one of the DC needs some kind of private tuition or medical emergency..
Also have you both made a will and appointed a guardian (NOT MIL!) and do you both have a will where the money goes to the surviving spouse and children ?
Work out what 20 per cent etc would look like in real terms. net or after tax?
When is he expected to start this. I'm guessing immediately.

Does this mean that you would have to go back to work earlier than you'd hoped?
What will child care cost for 3 children if you do....
That 20 per cent is depriving you both of a lot of your future plans. Think of the benefits to your children if you sacrificed 20 per every month to save for their future needs. How would you even manage to meet those needs if you both proceed with this awful plan.

Put all this out on paper and challenge DH on every point. It will be tough but no one else is going to fight for your children and your unborn baby it seems.

Imagine if yourself ringing this MIL and saying "Yes. I am a bad person, so bad that I am not going to let you do this to my children. If you don't drop this you will never see any of us again."
Does that sound extreme to you?
Because its exactly what she is saying to you.

oh good grief, how awful. I wouldn't be blackmailed by her.

I'd make a one off severance payment, and tell her never to darken my door again.

You said you are a Spanish family. This explains much of this. Spanish mothers and sons. I'm surprised you don't understand this ?

And I note: no apology to you.

She should get absolutely nothing until she does.

She could have discussed this like an adult. Instead she threw insults about about you instead of saying 'would it be possible to get some help?'

No fucking way. She will walk all over you and ruin your relationship with your husband because she knows she can.

So his mother has been emotionally abusive and thrown her toys out the pram and your response is to validate her and give her money?!

Fucking hell.

I'd be saying not a fucking chance. If she actually needs it yes but this is just pure greed and you will resent her and your husband for it.

I think I would point out to your husband that your father's situation was an emergency, and time limited (my understanding is it's not ongoing?)

Maybe there is something about his mother's health and finances that does mean she could so with some support, but if her situation is ongoing, I think it's reasonable to challenge the 20% figure. I would ask him how he has arrived at that figure, as a starting point.

The behaviour of your in-laws has been incredibly childish. I would urge your husband to just take a moment before reacting and committing to anything while upset. Once you start giving it can be hard to stop. It has to be sustainable, financially and emotionally.

Also, congratulations :)

I find it hard to understand why the op is letting her mother-in-law jerk her around like a puppet on a string.
My mother-in-law was extremely rude to me in about 2010 and I didn't see her again until 2023, I don't especially dislike the woman but I wouldn't let her affect me.

Surely all you need to do to equalise things, is to agree to help them if they are ever in need of medical assistance too.

Agree with this.
He has been bitching at length behind your back and now is making a ridiculous and dramatic agreement.

Time to split finances and he provides his substantial pension for his mother from his side.

Sadly I think this could be marriage ending if you both don't get into therapy together soon.

You have provided massove support to your parents.
Could you put a figure on it realistically?
Then look at the figures he is proposing.

What age is his mother?
I think you need to look at figures.
20% of income is frankly enormous.

I'd like to add, normal kind parents would have been understanding and thought this was an emergency where you needed to help your father.
However your MIL is not from the normal bunch, she's outrageously mean and jealous.
However, I think you should take a bit of your money aside and save for your emergencies.

As your MIL is keeping an eye on your finances.
It's unbelievable your husband has just announced he's going to pay his mother such and such amount. Your MIL is very manipulative.
What was your MIL living on before this?
How come she needs so much from your DH now, all of a sudden?
If they don't need financial help now, then tell your DH he should help them in emergencies, when they actually need help.
Ask your husband, he will have the responsibility of 3 children soon and he has a responsibility towards them.

Yes I agree with 100%.
I think your DH wasn't happy but didn't say anything, but he was sharing his annoyance with his mother.
He has given his mother the power to be assertive and controlling.
I suspect this is considered normal and allowed in your culture. I know in some cultures the parents like to keep control.
However those parents have a jealous nature to start with. Your MIL is greedy and jealous.

Is it typical in your culture for high earning sons to send money to their parents?
Does your MIL need financial support or is she well off anyway?

Before you mentioned the 20%, I wondered if it was less about the money and more that in the 6 months your parents stayed with you, did you see less of in-laws.

But a working family with young children financially supporting their parents is unusual here.

I would tell your parents in front of him or on the phone when he can hear, don’t keep it quiet as he is happy to tell his family about your finances. Let him hear their shock and horror at his mum emotionally blackmailing him. Let mil be judged and it will hit home that his mum is being outrageous.

This is insane ! What he does is say to them that if ever in need the money will Be there for them like it was yours. .
Does his mum need money ? @leonorrr

And I wouldn’t be bringing his nieces and nephews shopping monthly. Let your DH do this with what’s left from his own salary.

I’d separate your finances if he proceeds with this and you both contribute proportionally to household costs from net salary, he can finance his mum with what’s left of his salary and you do not contribute a penny of your own money to your MIL.

So if your DH is going to pay 20% of his salary to his mum, along with paying all her bills - will he still contribute the same as he does now to the family pot to cover all outgoings, including mortgage/rent/utility bills. If he plans on reducing this, I’d strongly consider leaving him.

I've read all your posts and am staggered! This is insane. She's blackmailing her son.

Legal definition of extortion: making unwarranted demands with menaces (threats) to gain an advantage or cause loss.

A relationship you have to pay this much for isn't worth having. Why would he want a mother who charges a fee?

Your SIL will bargain to her brother over her rights to his salary next ! Then he will be working for 50% of his salary for his ready made family.

That's insane! If your husband is paying all of his mum's bills and medical expenses (which I don't understand as Spain has a 'free at the point of use' healthcare system so why would she have medical expenses?), then she has nothing to pay for and all her income/savings are hers to spend on whatever she fancies.

The fact that he is then also going to gift her 20% of his income on top of that means that your household income will drastically reduce just when you are having another baby while her household income increases massively.

This 100%.

You need to emphasise to your DH, under which circumstances you helped your father.
These regular payments which your DH is going to pay your MIL, you don't know how long these will go on for. Over time your MIL could start asking for an increase.
Each monthly payment, when calculated and the amount that will he will be annually will be huge. Any cash your MIL will have spare, I bet she will be sharing with SIL.
You should definitely point out to your DH that how dare MIL have a problem with you helping your father out in a health emergency.
You weren't the only one who helped your father, all your siblings helped.
If your MIL wants money from her son then her daughter should be contributing aswell.
But no she won't want that, she's only controlling her son.

Also with your 3rd child on the way, you will have your own family expenses.

You do have a DH problem, who over shared information with his mother and caused all this bitterness and jealousy.

If MIL needed support with her health conditions she could have used her words - the polite ones - to have asked for help.

Instead she went straight to disowning her son because he helped somebody who he could afford to help.