MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

another advantage of having a business adminster funds is you will all know your husband or MIL or SIl are not paying to a casion or something. lol

If you must it may be easier for the finances if you extend your mortgage and set a lump fund up for the same amount spent on the grandpas medical bills.. perhaps in a trust that will revert to you that pays health insurance or a small extra income.. .
With the understanding that this is a drain that means in an emergency your husband will not have the same family resources to help her as you did when your dad was sick.
In this way changes will be made by her applying to a business third party. With genuine bills presented rather than ongoing emotionally and financially draining uncertainty.for her and your hubby and you. It might also offer protection if her change of personality is a symptom. I knew of a lady who ordered a hundreds of frozen dinners she was allergic to.. with no freezer at home.

honestly a lump sump or a limited time payment schedule until she gets the amount is going to be better. A double tythe is not a great idea. If your husband must give her 20% blank cheque still- perhaps still do it via a business third party to deal with her bill paying etc.. with a trust that reverts to you/thekids/stays with you.

Is this needed? will she be satisfied if she knows if she has an emergency and is a month in hospital and needs help with medical bills her insurance does not cover you will work with his sister to help pay bills directly to the medical people and will look after her the same as with the other grandparent?

She has no medical emergency so it feels like she is taking from her grandchildren because she does not like her son enough to admire his helping the kids grandparents-- and apprently does not care about her grandchildren enough to fake being glad their other grandpa survived a medical emergency....

I do wonder why she isnt trying to seem like a civilised person... could she be losing her cognitive function slowly? Your husband seems like good person so assume she is usually a lovely woman.

.

@leonorrr

Neither of you “chose” your parents over your in‑laws, you responded to a medical emergency. Your father was seriously ill, hospitalised for a month, and insurance only covered 45%. That’s not a luxury expense. That’s not optional. That’s not “favouritism”. That’s basic humanity. Any reasonable person would understand that when a parent is critically ill, you step in if you can. Your siblings contributed too - you simply paid more because you earned more. That’s not hijacking anyone; that’s being responsible.

Your MIL’s reaction is not about money, it’s about control and insecurity.
Calling you both “not family anymore” because you helped your own parents is deeply manipulative. It’s also revealing: the MIL seems to believe that her son’s income should be prioritised for her and her daughter, and that the OP’s parents are somehow less deserving. That’s not cultural. That’s not misunderstanding. That’s entitlement.

And the SIL’s behaviour - excluding you from a party, ignoring calls, suggests she’s aligning with her mother’s narrative. Did yiou side line them whilst your dad stayed with you, were you withdrawn from his side fo the family and did they understand it was because you were looking after Dad?

The “fixed percentage of income” idea is a massive red flag.
A monthly tithe to his mother? For what? She’s not ill, not struggling, not asking for help with a crisis. She’s angry because the OP’s parents had an emergency and were supported. That’s not a reason to start financially supporting another household. Your financial priority must be your own children, home, and stability - not appeasing an offended MIL.

Your husband is hurting, but he’s reacting emotionally, not logically. He’s sad his family has turned cold. That’s understandable. But giving them money won’t fix the underlying issue because the issue isn’t money. It’s resentment, jealousy, and a belief that they are owed something. If he starts paying them monthly, it will become an expectation, not a gesture. And it will create a permanent financial drain on a growing family.

Your Spanish background matters but not in the way the MIL thinks. In many Spanish families, supporting parents during illness is normal, expected, and respected. Your MIL’s reaction is not cultural, it’s personal. If anything, your actions would be seen as admirable in many Spanish households.

The MIL and SIL are punishing you for being generous and somehow think its at their expense. That’s the saddest part. You helped your parents through a crisis, housed them for six months, and still included your SIL’s children in outings and gifts. And instead of appreciation, you got hostility. That’s not normal. That’s not fair. And it’s not your fault. They have no right to expect you to help support his sister, except maybe in an emergency. That is entitlement.

The answer is not giving them money, I suspect the issue is that they felt pushed out and deprioritised when you looked after your Dad and they felt relegated to the bank bench. I suspect the MIL felt she was denied access to her son as he was prioritising (quite understandably in the circumstances) your family. And money should not be the answer to this.

To appease them, I would not make a longterm financial commitment. Maybe suggest a weekend away somewhere ,self catering and if you really must, then volunteer to pay for the accommodation for MIIL & SIL. Apologise if they felt pushed out but tell them that if MIL had the same medical experience they would do the same for them if they were able.

But my take is that you need to set boundaries and not act out of guilt:

• No monthly payments.
• No financial commitments to appease hurt feelings.
• No chasing people who are choosing to be cruel.
• Focus on your own children and the new baby.
• Let the in‑laws sit with their own behaviour.

If the MIL and SIL want a relationship, they need to rebuild trust - not demand money and maybe you could do that in a short break?

Why doesn’t he just agree to pay her medical bills if she ever becomes unwell? That way she can’t say he’s being unfair

That is nuts - she sounds very greedy and has emotionally blackmailed your son into giving her money!!! What a vile woman.

Paying medical bills would have been a nice gesture. But beyond that your husband is paying his mother to maintain friendly relations with him. That's really sad OP.

Obviously it's crap because it's rewarding terrible behaviour and all those reasons too, but mainly it's just really sad.

I am going to be honest OP, I think your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law have behaved atrociously. We don’t own family members, and I would have thought they would have supported you fully in helping your parents out when your dad was in a time of need. I’m actually quite disgusted with the way that they have behaved and treated you both, I think it’s horrendous and I would be upset as well. I know none of that is helpful in terms of fixing the situation but maybe try to reach out again and have a conversation about what’s underpinning all of this and why it’s impacted them so much.

You helped your parents at a time of need. Your MIL and SIL are not medically compromised, they’re just unreasonable and mercenary. They sound v unpleasant. Your husband needs to stop the guilt tripping, the pandering to their envy and unjust demands, besides you will never repair the relationship by acquiescing to their self serving agenda. All you will do is to feed their sense of entitlement, and as time goes by you will start to see your husband as weak and disloyal. You are having a baby, you have big responsibilities and they must come first. You married to support one another. If your mother in law falls ill, no doubt HER daughter will step up and you will help and be supportive. Your father’s ill health should not be used as a bargaining chip to extract ‘the readies’ from you. Your in-laws don’t sound very moral. You are being blackmailed.

Firstly - congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I really hope this family situation isn’t impacting your health or your excitement about your pregnancy, your MIL and SIL should have at least congratulated you regardless.

secondly - your MIL and SIL have no right to your time or money. Their entitlement and behaviour is disgraceful. You sound really caring and generous - and like you said what were you supposed to do re: your dad? Just leave him with inadequate health care or support because in the future MIL might want it too?!

She seems not to be capable of understanding it works in her favour if you guys look after the older generation . f she wanted money she would think of that so i do not think that greed is the issue. She may be not thinking well at all.
Very limited thought capacity about outcomes demonstrated there. which suggests high emotion clouding the mind.

If she is working from an emotional place of fearing the in laws matter more logic cannot work. A huge bunch of flowers and chocolate or fruit basket or such maybe from a posh place with a we love you and want you to know it card may help. and something from your hubby.

My friends MIL sent a you stole my son letter to them when they were starting a family and it almost caused a rift. Instead of the content of the letter which was unhinged and very cruel to her and the son.. she responded to the emotion of anger and sadness at losss and hurt of being abandoned with flowers and cards we love you cards and a sweet letter. And she reminds her husband to ring his mum quite cleverly so he enjoys it. And her and her MIL are very close still 30 years later. She remembers sending the flowers and chocs but not why, i remember why as it was such a huge upset.

Perhaps she needs to know when she needs it she will get the same. And that her son loves her. ?

So basically your OH is being extorted by his mother with the threat being that he might get cut off! 😳

It wouldn't prove any such thing

She's not in financial difficulty due to serious illness.
It's not a short term prop up of a loved one needing support while they get better.
It's a selfish, entitled, manipulative family member who feels entitled to her married son's money which will affect you and your family long term.

You need to speak up

She's done a real number on him.

Insanity

Congratulations on your baby news! How exciting you get to grow your loving family and teach them your sweet ways in caring for others xxx

What a bitch. DH should tell her that you both have no idea why feels this way - and neither of you understand the anger at all, surely she should be comforted that if she was ill with hospital bills she couldnt afford you could look after her also?

As for the suggestion of giving money to the sister that’s beyond crazy. And he should tell her that her insane behaviour will only drive you both away.

Gross to expect someone else’s money! I think you have a DH problem.

@leonorrr

As others have said, you responded to need, and you’d have done the same for them, or would have before they showed their petty, money grabbing, jealous, resentful, spiteful side!

I’d really not want to now, but then they will feel justified in their views! What a horrible position to be put in.

Maybe just let the dust settle, have some distance, process and reflect, and just focus on your family and soon to be arriving baby. Then you can decide what to do?

Granted, it may be a bit too late if hubby has told them his intentions 🤦‍♀️

What an entitled cowbag - first post nails it. Leave them to stew and be very wary of how you move forward from now on. You are not a bank. Your are not responsible for their health and happiness. You are not your husband’s keeper.

congratulations on the baby!

So you were supposed to let your dad die so your SIL could have a new handbag - have I get that right?
I would be grateful they aren't speaking to you - long may it continue!

I agree with this.
Her reaction is so odd, I wonder how this information was presented to her. Did your husband tell her how much? The fact that you contributed? And was there any chance he was complaining about how much this was costing him?
You may have a DH problem.

He doesn’t need to share the money, he could say - if you are ever if that awful position we of course will help.

Just playing devils advocate here.

Did your husband cancel / step back from his family while looking after your parents?

I wonder how your children will feel in the future, when they learn that one set of their grandparents had to be paid to ensure having a good relationship with them?

Time to distance yourself and protect yourself from them. What a weird bunch. Imagine thinking you are entitled to someone else's money 💰 and tell you so. And be angry at you being generous. And feel so miffed you had let it spoil family relationships. Ghastly..move on. Let him deal with his parents and stay well away.

So sorry but your mil is crackers.